I Love Meryl Streep

It's been a busy couple of days. Christmas was wonderful of course. I took some time to reflect what Christmas is really about, which is obviously the story of Jesus' birth. I think I honestly can say that I have never really acknowledged the real story before. I got some neat gifts; more than I actually needed or expected. Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunty Laura came over for Christmas dinner, and it was super nice. Dad finally told them about my going to Church at Rockyview, and how him and Alex were not far along to join me. From what I was actually told, they seemed to take it well. So, who am I to complain? I guess I was being a little silly, because I shouldn't care what they think. I am happy with where I am going, and my life. But they seemed content with the fact that I am, infact, attending Church from my own free will. And, I guess they should be. I think they are still worried about my dad. I think there are things he has done in his past that I don't, nor will I ever know about. On one hand, I am curious. On the other, I think I would probably rather not know.

Grandma and Grandpa told me about their trip to Jeruslam with Aunty Laura and Uncle Daniel. I was so intrigued, and I thought it was so neat. I have decided that some day, I am going to go to Jersulam. There would be SO many neat places to go, and so so so much history of Jesus and the bible. It would be such an incredible spiritual experience. I am going to go! Someday, it will happen.

Today actually went a heck of a lot better than I was expecting. When I got into work, all I could think about was whether or not I was going to make it through the day without wanting to blow my own head off. Luckily, it went by fast. We passed time by cleaning table after table, dancing through the crowds of people, and eating junk food! It was good, even though it was a long day.

I am looking forward to this week.

Birthday = Perfection

I had the perfect birthday.

I sort of ended up seperating them into part A,B,C, and D. And at the end of each one, only one word came to mind: Perfect. It was wonderful. I had Tanya and Kj over when the clock struck twelve to begin my birthday, and we had the best time on youtube watching retarded game show videos. Then I slept for like seven hours, and got up, cleaned ma room, and did some laundry. Breanna came over and we talked, and then Tanya picked us up and we went for Wendy's and to Sunridge. We went home, and I got ready for my Birthday dinner. I got a couple of other presents, and Kj's present which I will talk about in a second. It was SO nice to have everyone together and to be able to catch up and just talk and laugh. We spent literally three hours at Boston Pizza. It was neat! Thanks to Nicole, we had a limo pick us up and take us to cowboys and then we danced danced danced the night away. It took us like 26732234 years to actually leave cowboys though because the coat check girl failed. I felt bad for her, though. Then it was chaos getting into cabs, but finally it all worked out. So, by the time I got home, I was exhausted. And could not have possibly been any happier. LOVE you guys!

My boyfriend and I got eachother the exact same christmas present. The same frame and everything. Same brain? I think so. It was super cute. I like the pictures Kj put in mine more than the pictures I put in his, so he can change those up if he wants to. And then, at the bottom of this bag I see this tiny box. And the first thing I think is, what on earth is possibly small enough to fit in a box like that? But my hands start shaking, and I look at him for like a millisecond, and I know this is important. So I open it, and what do I find? Yeah, it was a ring. My goodness. I immediately blush so hard, that i'm pretty sure my face probs looked like a tomato. Not that Kj would have seen that, because I couldnt look at him at first. I knew that if I did, I would burst into tears. I had to force myself not to cry, but I don't think tears were needed for him to see how happy I was. Kj explained to me that it was his mom's old ring (I love his mom. I love her. She is fantastic.) and that they talked about it for awhile and he decided it was something he wanted to give to me. It's simply to solidify our relationship. It's a promise that everything will be okay when he gets home. And I was just speechless, and completely overwhelmed. I have never been given something so meaningful, ever. I just... it's perfect. The ring is beautiful. And I know that at the end of the day, I'm still his only. And it will still be like that when he comes home in May.

And everything is perfect just like that. I don't even have any more words. I love you, so much.
Thank you.

Busy, Busy, Busy

It's been a pretty crazy week since I last wrote. Even though it hasn't been quite a week. Who cares.

• Friday I had to work all day, and it started off with a really bad day. I was bummed out 'cause I couldn't do the outreach and spread God's love with Kj and Steph and everyone else. But I soon realized that I had another purpose that night, and so that was defs cool and I embraced it as much as I felt I could.
• Saturday was Kj's Open House. It was super neat. I got to see Chels! And she gave me a SNUGGIE for a Christmas present. I was like, fantastic! Good stuff. I think my favorite part was just turning the music up full blast and dancing in Kj's basement. And both his parents were drunk and they made me dance with them even when no one else was. My goodness. I love his parents.
• Sunday was lovely. Alex and dad came to Church. ALEX AND DAD, YES. I was so excited. I couldn't believe they wanted to come, but as if I was going to complain. And they both liked it. I had a feeling they would. It was a turning point. Then that evening I had my staff Christmas party, and Kj came too. I was glad to be able to show Kj the people I work with and have fun with them. And it made me want to go out dancing so bad, BUT, that will have to wait one more day.
• Yesterday I was supposed to go shopping with Jenny. But she got sick, poor thing. I went with Kaleigh to her bank, and then she bought me a red dress for my birthday present. NEAT. Then Kj came over, and we had to go early to sit at the Olive Garden and wait for the rest of my family. It wasnt even busy, go figure. It was a really good night. Kj and I were seriously constantly laughing.
• I think God set up the talk Kj and I had last night. Perhaps it was for my benefit, but who really knows. I know that I needed it. Kj leaves in less than three weeks now. I was having so much trouble wrapping my head around it, and when I did, all I could do was cry. And last night when we were chilling and he was being cute, what did I do? Yes, I started to cry. HOWEVER, I did a friggen good job of hiding it. Anyway. It was hard. It is going to be hard. And I am scared. Mostly, I am scared to say goodbye. But at the same time, I think I'm ready for it. And I am super super super excited for Kj. This is going to be such an amazing experience for him. I will be able to do a lot of focusing on me and my life, and God. And when he comes home, it's up to the both of us to make it work. I think we can probs do it. :) That guy is mine, and I love him.
• Dad told us a really neat story about Rick. It actually blew my mind. I really hope that Rick can get his life together.
• The time has come, to put my strength to the test.
• My birthday is tomorrow! WOW.

Being Alive

When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just
to know you're alive.

Well... I am feeling sort of odd tonight. I am in a weird mood. I feel really happy on one side, because, well just LIFE. Life is good. But there is an ache in my heart that my brain is not really processing. I think that I am thinking too much. I need to just be. I can't believe my birthday is in 6 days. I am getting so old. I have a very busy week ahead of me, with A LOT of celebrating. Celebrations for my birthday, and for Christmas, and most importantly, for the birth date of God! But my goodness, I feel like I am getting old. Time has certainly caught up with me. Actually, no - No, it just keeps running. I can't believe it's almost the start of a new year. I can't believe Kj leaves in less than a month. Its our nine month today, even though I dont really know why we even go by this anniversary anymore, when clearly we have been together since the dawn of time. Just kidding, but still. Holy. It is time to start making some decisions about where I am going to go next with my life. But I seem to be having trouble making them, and I know exactly why. I must work on that.

Oh boy. I feel like spontaneously combusting. I feel so alive, and yet there is a nagging. I feel like i'm on the brink of a huge change. Which, for obvious reasons I am. But it is more than that. I can just feel it. I guess I need to pray about it. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. I feel off right now, but I need to let it out somehow. Thus, the rambling. I think maybe I need a hug or something. I don't know. I don't know about anything right now - Except God. Because he is the consistancy in my life that I desperately crave for and need . I don't really have it anywhere else. Well, that is not true. In a few places, I do. But sometimes it's not where I really need it to be. I need Him now, more than ever. I need His strength, I need His direction. I need consistance. I think that is perhaps, a huge inner problem of mine. I have been struggling with keeping something, anything consistant my life since I was a child. From situations, to hobbies, to academics, to people. Or maybe it's them being consistant with me. I don't even know what I am trying to say. I don't understand why my brain does this. It always over thinks to such an uneccesary level. Over analyzes. But I think I am having a realization. I have never had anything consistant in my life. The good things are always changing, leaving, falling apart, becoming unimportant (except obvs my family and few friends). And I mean, of course to an extent that is life. Those things will happen. I think maybe it has happened so many times that it has caught up with me. But God won't. He will ALWAYS be there. He is unchanging, incorruptible, unfathomable, undying in His love. He won't ever leave, or go away, or change unless I am the one to will him away. Lord, I need your consistancy. More than anything in my life ever before, I need this to keep me strong.

I think I need to cry, but the tears aren't really coming out. So I think I am just going to try and calm myself down in a different way. Or else, I will wait for the tears to finally come. Because sooner or later, everybody needs an escape. God is my escape. My friends are my escape. But tears - Well, they are my physical escape.

Take it All

"For once you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord." Ephesians 5:8

O Holy Night

It is ten days until my birthday. I am excited to spend time with my friends.
It is twelve days until Christmas. Twelve days until Jesus' birthday!
Friday night was so funny, up until Tanya started puking.
We went to Cross Iron, and jammed in the car. I got some yummy icecream.
And then Tanya took the wrong way, and we were on our way to Red Deer.
Luckily, we got that corrected.
Then we went and got pizza and headed back to the house.
SO FUNNY. And then Tanya had to go and give herself alcohol poisoning.
And even then, there was funny moments there. I think she learned her lesson.
I have missed those girls nights. We need to start having them again.
More often. Minus the out of control alcohol drinking, LADIES. ;)
Saturday I worked the dumbest shift of my life, but it was fun with Olivia there.
I love her.
And then in the evening, I headed over to Kj's. We just chilled out and talked.
I have not grown, by the way. We checked! So, go home.
Then Steph came. Eventually Kj's parents came back from their Christmas party.
So we talked with Darlene for like a million hours.
It was really nice.
Found out something pretty cute, plus funny. My goodness.
I am excited.
Church, was of course, fantastic. Some of the songs were so full of energy.
It was such a wonderful feeling, and thick with the Spirit. So good.
It made my heart and my soul feel peaceful.
I want a baby. :( Right this second.
I am so excited to be a mom, and have a husband and a family.
I hope that I don't have to wait too many years for that. I know I'm only 19.
But still.
Today was a pretty laid back day, I got to have a nap.
Then mom and I made supper, and decorated the Christmas tree.
I made her listen to the same Christmas CD three times over.
The house finally looks like it is back in order. Mostly. Which is nice.
Lord, thank you. You know what for.

And now, a new week begins....

Secret #3

It's quite simple, really.
I'm head over heels for you.

I Am Good

He loves me.
They both do. :) !!!

I worked until 10:30 this evening,
and I work at 8 in the morning tomorrow.
Fan- friggen- tastic.

I need to do some Christmas shopping
And do a little life saving. I'm excited.

God has made me glad. I am happy.

Greater Things

I hope my strength rains down enough for this. I am scared.
I am scared.

Everything In Between

It's beginning to get easier. Just, everything. In general. I can't believe how much easier it is when I just ask to be graced with strength.

Today, I talked to mom about Curch. We talked a little about how forceful grandma and grandpa are, and how that's effected all of us as a family. And I told my mom that I am pretty sure that if I hadn't of had that forcefulness, I probably would have started going to to Church earlier on in life. But my grandparents just turned me off of it. Like they have my brother and father. I told mom how much better Rocky View is. I told her that I want to get involved, eventually I want to become a member of the Church. She told me that was my choice. And I could hear it in her voice that she was only partially okay with it. So I just told her that I thought she should know, because its an important part of my life now. And I told her that I want dad, and Alex to go. Because I know better than to ask her to go. She said very bluntly that she is not into "organized religion." But today helped me open up a little. It's the first step, so I'm glad.

Kj and I spent some time together finally. It's been nice to be able to see him more often than I expected, but it's still not quite the same because it's never time alone. I finally was able to tell him what I had been needing so desperately to talk to him about. It was hard. But I asked God to help me with my words. And he did. So I am really glad. And I hope that things can be different now. I really do, because it was hurting me so much. I love you. I hope that everything I said made sense. And then we just chilled, and it was really nice. Church this morning was good, I really related to the message this morning, and it just felt like a breath of fresh air.

I can't believe this friggen weather. LIKE, SERIOUSLY? It looks like we live in Alaska. I LOVED NEW MOON. So good. I am getting really excited for my birthday. And for Christmas. I love being filled with this joy. I hope the reno's are done soon. Mom is gonna lose it soon. Love it. I love my family.

My Heart Will Choose to Stay

Being sick is really rotten. It first of all, not only physically makes you feel uck, but it
puts you in a downer mood. So, that being said, tonight was another one of those nights. I was in a very dark mood. But a really neat thing happened. I was home alone, and I knew I needed Jesus. So I went upstairs, and turned off the TV, and all noise makers. The house was completely silent, so I just listened for a few minutes. And then I started to talk to God. At first I felt stupid, because I was talking outloud to myself, and then I remembered that we live through faith and not by sight. So I talked. I asked Jesus to listen and comfort. It was very emotional and I felt very overwhelmed. But I knew He was there, because everytime I asked a question, or asked if He could hear me, I would get goosebumps. Everytime I came to a conclusion, a right one, the goosebumps would be all over my body. And it only happened then, otherwise I felt really hot. I was honest, and confessed how I had been feeling about things, about situations. I let it all out. I asked for peace in my heart, because I felt I was too overwhelmed and crying. Then I got on my knees and prayed. I saw something out of the cornor of my eye, it looked almost like smoke, and it physically made me jump. Nothing was there, but seconds later, I had another full body goosebump moment. And then I started to smile again, and laugh. For no reason! And then I realized it was because the Spirit was deep within me, settling into my heart. And now I feel full of peace again. It was so neat. I love you, Lord. Thank you for all of the grace and salvation you have given me. You just prove to me over and over that you are infact, very much there. Through faith, through everything, I am yours.

Every blessing you pour out, I'll turn back into praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be your glorious name.

PS. DEFS EXCITED for mine and Tanya's date to New Moon tomorrow night, plus Tanya's mom making us a Hot Totty. Lol. Will be good. :)

SICKNESS, PLEASE GO HOME. Kthxbye.

Beside You

God, help me remember the right words you put in my head tonight. Please.
Also, please heal my knee.
Otherwise doctor tomorrow.
I can do this. Dont be afraid. I shouldnt have to be.
And the words you want are out of reach, but they've never been so loud.
Lunch date with Steph tomorrow, I'm excited.
AGH. God I love you.
I also love you.
My birthday is in 22 days.
I get paid tomorrow.
I'm sick of this pre- period emotional spurt I've been on. Definitely sick of crying.
No more please.

Yes.

I just gotta say, thank you.
Even at the end of the day, when no one else is there
You are.
And I can find peace in You.
You can stop the sobs I cry, and the hurt in my heart.
The one that I have complete trust in, and total faith.

"In me you may find peace. In this world you will have great trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Hello, Hello Baby

• Thursday evening was fantastic, even though the Awards Assembly was SO long. Sleeping over at Chels' was lovely. We got a chance to talk and just hang out. I DEFS missed my best friend.
• Friday Tanya and I got to go play in the snow! That was fun, even though it was seriously crazy icy outside
• GOT MY LAPTOP ON SATUDAY. My favorite part of that day, besides getting the laptop, was Steph just out of the blue telling me she loved me. I needed that so bad. Thank you. Satuday was not a very good day.
• Church today was, of course, fantastic. So good. Kj's friend Desiree got baptized, and it was so cool to watch. It made me so excited to continue my life with God, and to eventually get baptized as well.
• The photoshoot went very well! Got a few really good shots. Then we went to the Harley Davidson Diner, and the owner told me I might be able to take weddingg photo's for her sons wedding next august! SO NEAT. Im gonna practice new techniques and stuff. That would be so friggen neat.
• FSSHFSSHFSSHJKJKJKJKJKFSSHFSSH. OMGOSH. JK IS KJ BACKWARDS. ahahaha. kjkjkjkjkjkj.
• I need to either work on my confrontation skills, or learn to stop being a nutcase
• I'm excited for my birthday, and to spend it with people I love
• I love christmas carols
• I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE JESUS.
• It bothers me so much. Cant you just read my mind? It cant stay this way. Im trying, you know? Im trying...
• I looooove my laptop
• 'cause I'll be dancin...

Show Me Your Teeth

I am very quickly falling in love with Lady GaGa's new album. Even though a couple of the songs are really, really weird. I just love listening to her sing. My goodness.

Mom is driving me mental right now. It's really hard being who I am, and having her accept it. She doesnt understand. Last night she was pissed right off at me because I went for a walk, and was convinced I wasnt going by myself. When I kept telling her I was by myself, she then turned her tactic to, "Well, there must be something wrong if you are going for walks all by yourself at night" Im like, SERIOUSLY? Go home. People are allowed to go for walks by themselves, at night, without something being wrong. I JUST LIKE THE FRESH AIR, OKAY? Geez, lol.

It was SOOOO nice to hang out with Chels. It honestly doesnt feel like she had been gone for that long, but I know it felt different to her. I'm really greatful for the talk we had, it was so easy to be open and relate. Tonight I will see her again, because we are going to see Awards Night, 'cause Kj is getting an award (who I am oddly seeing a lot of lately, also. Not that i'm complaining). It should be good.

Church in three days! (GOD is FaaAAAAAAntastic!)
New photoshoot in three days! Lookin' forward to both.

Holy

I was having an off day right from the get go. The pent up emotion from last night, and the bad dream that was filled with Evil and Demons had taken a toll on me.

I dreamt that I was with what seemed to be a bunch of people from Lifeforce on Kj's team. It was supposed to be them, but it didn't look like them. Kj wasn't there, but I was. We were somewhere, not in Calgary. It felt like we were close to a body of water, but still I did not see any water. There was one girl, and a Demon went into her body. We were all standing on the street, and then she was on the ground, and her eyes were wide, and the Demon wouldn't get out. All of a sudden, I looked down, and there was a baby in my arms. The baby was Demon possessed. It was crying out in such an evil, but desperate way. All of us were walking, and it started to pour rain. The baby wouldn't stop crying. I wanted to set it down, because it was making me feel sick to my stomach, but I could not let it out of my arms. Then the rest of them were gone, and I was walking up a road with the baby by myself. I started to scream out to God, I wanted him to heal the baby. Everytime I screamed His name, the sky would flash with shapes, kind of like fireworks. It was last for a second, and then leave. I just kept screaming, and then I woke up. I was shaken by it.

The only time I felt happy was when I was in Church, and able to sing out to Jesus. The rest of the day, I could only half pay attention to what was going on around me. But this evening, I finally stopped and really listened. I asked him to affirm my strength for what is coming. I was so overcome that my knees gave out, and I just was on the ground and was crying. But I knew He was there.

I love you. I am not going to give up on you. I am going to be here until you are set free. I promise you that right now. Even if that means you hate me by the end of it all.





We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus.
The greatness of mercy and love at the feet of Jesus.
And we cry Holy, Holy, Holy.
And we cry Holy, Holy, Holy.
And we cry, Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb.

I Want Your Love, And I Want Your Revenge

I want Lady Gaga's voicebox switched with mine. Also, I would like her body. Thank you.

I am so excited for Dinner + Concert + Cowboys (maybe?) tomorrow. NO, JUST KIDDING. Today!

Church in two days! "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world ." John 16:33

Love, love, love. I am SERIOUSLY going to overflow with love I have pouring out of me for everyone. It is sickening. I LIKE IT.

Im SO excited to see Chels tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my aunt so much. She makes me happy.

Lord, thank you. Holy. This is fantastic.

You know that I want you, and you know that I need you. I want your love, and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance. Want your bad romance, want your bad romance, want your bad romance.

Ra Ma Ra Ma MAaaa

• I have 1,017 in my account. That's more than I have ever had in my life! Holy!
• I am going to be praying so hard for you. I love you. You know you can come to me with everything and anything at ANY time. No matter what.
• IM SO EXCITED TO SEE MY AUNT.
• 4 days until Church. Holy. Could ya come faster, please?
• Im excited for Kelly Clarkson on fridayyyyy, and saturday too.
• KJ, YOU STILL owe all four of us a special blog each. And mine still gets to be the longest, because I say so. :) And they have to be nice!
• LOOORDDDDDDDDD, you make me happy. :)
• Thanks for the talk last night.
• Im excited to see my US ATENDEE BEST FRIEND.
• Lady Gaga is friggen weird. But I love her!

EIGHT MONTHS.

Holy, Lord.

Tonight was absolutely wonderful. Today is Kj's and mine eight month anniversary. We decided we would meet downtown and hang out. It was lovely even from the beginning. We walked for like eight hours because Kj wanted food and was determined. I think we seriously ended up walking down every main street in the downtown area. Finally, we settled on Eau Claire Market. We just talked, and joked around, and it was sooooo good to spend time with him.

Then we went and got coffee from Tim's, and decided to go to Princes Island Park. It was BEAUTIFUL. The wind died down, and the street lights were out, and it felt like we were something out of a movie. We were a couple, and it was so nice. Finally, our topic turned into the most important one of all, GOD. We stood on the bridge and appreciated how beautiful the night was. And then I finally was able to show Kj how far I have come, even since the last time I saw him. I was almost bursting with emotion and joy. We talked about his trip, and about me, and how much God was in my life. I dont think he was expecting it, because it even brought him to tears. And we hugged, and it was just right. Everything was in its perfect element, and it was perfect because God was there, and it was right. We were for the first time in the year and a half we have been eachothers significant either, able to open up about the only thing that stood in our way, which was our difference in spirituality. But now, I dont think it will ever have to be an issue again, and I am just SO thankful. I could feel God watching over us, feel him in me, and it was fantastic. ahhhhhhhhhh. And then Kj and I were just laughing so much, and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much because we were both so happy. God made us glad, he filled us with SO much joy, and we were glad for what we had with God seperately, and for eachother, and for everything!

We walked more, and we prayed for the people around us, and for us. It was beautiful. I started crying because it meant so much. And then we continued to walk downtown, and just were silly and in love, and we did it all through the Lord, and it was fantastic. It was wonderful. I am so happy.

I love this. I love it.
I could not possibly be filled with anymore happiness.

My Story

Yesterday's service was one that really spoke out to me. And honestly, they all do, because REALLY knowing God is still something new, and I am thirsty for knowledge and the passages all the time. This sunday, it was about telling your story. The pastor spoke of how everyone always loves watching movies or reading books that are real stories, because we know that they have at some time and place happened, and it makes us all that more intrigued. And then we read from Acts about Paul speaking to King Agrippa. Paul had been in jail, and he had finally been given the chance to speak for himself. So Paul did exactly what all of us need to do. He asked the King to just simply listen. And then he told his story of coming to Christ, and how it happened. The pastor spoke of how we often see two sides of Christians. Either they are very quiet, and like to fly under the radar to avoid confrontation and because they don't want to upset anyone else's beliefs. And then there is the other side who are VERY opinionated, and in a way ig norant to anyone else's beliefs. Neither is the right way. For the right way, is just simply to tell your story. By telling your story, you are telling the Lord's, and no one's story is more or less important than anothers. Because in the end it all means one thing, and that is to live through Jesus. Then the pastor asked all of us who were willing to tell our story whenever the Spirit called for us to, or for anytime it was brought up in conversation, to stand. Almost everyone in the service stood. It ended with communion, and that was the first time I was able to recieve communion knowing I really believe, really feel Him, really know him.

I want to tell my story. It's not finished yet, because for me, it just recently began. But I have a story. I will not be ashamed for what has happened to me.

This is my testimony.

I was brought up in a family where the awareness that there was God was always there, but it was never enforced except when in the presence of my grandparents. That was because my grandfather was a pastor, and my grandmother loved God just as wholly as he. While I had always believed in God, I never gave it a second thought. Reading the bible was not important, worshipping him or praising him was something I definitely never did. The passages that my grandfather would read to me went in one ear, and out the other almost immediately. For me, prayer was the extent of my faith. This was a good start for somebody who was young. But, never did it progress from that. As I entered my teenage years, I also entered a life that was completely avoident of the Lord and what I knew to be right. I engaged in sexual immorality, I put foreign and bad substances in my body, I swore and cursed the Lords name in vain, I lied, cheated, broke the law, and was very disrespectful to my parents. On the outside, I was still such a sweet girl. But that is the raw truth of it. I was taken advantage of, manipulated, lied to, corrupted with, and in return, had no idea what was right, and what was natural. For a couple of years, I was unstoppable, out of control, and broken.

I eventually left my rebellious years behind me, and comfortably fit into a life that was better, yet still not fit to follow the Lord. I began to become more aware that God could easily be a part of my life, yet still the barrier was up. Church was something that I went to on a very rare occasion, and often times I only appeared at my grandpa's church once a year, if that. But somewhere along the way, I lost my way entirely for a second time. Part of it was my own fault, and part of it was from the influence and actions of another person who caused me great pain. It took until I hit rock bottom to finally see that He was infact still there, because I had lost all faith in Him, and in myself. I despised Him for the life I had been given thus far, completely ignorning all the blessing and grace I had been given. I stopped praying almost altogether. And when I did, it was only for me, and not prayer for others. I was selfish. And then one night, like many before it, I felt as if I would not make it to the morning. I lied on my bed, in darkness, and I let grief wash over me. I had been broken so fully that it was hard to even function through a day. I called out to God, sobbing. I asked why he was doing this to me, and I asked why it was so hard to smile. And then, a voice told me to wait, a voice that did not come from my own mouth. It was inside my head, and yet it felt as if it was spoken out loud. For the first time, God had spoken to me through my heart. And for the first time, I chose to listen. I fell asleep, and when I woke up again, I felt something different. It is unexplainable to this day. And right then and there, I knew something had to change.

It took many months after that to actually begin this change. I had proved myself incapable to God to be able to do it alone, and soon there was a man whom I became very close with. Without even knowing it, this was the person that God had given me the chance to change my life with. I believe now, I would never have come fully to Christ without him. I was inspired and completely awed by his love for God. I wanted so desperately to be a part of it, but I was afraid AND ashamed because I did not want to rely solely on faith, and certainly not on something that I could not see. I doubted his power and his love. So, in the beginning, I watched from the sidelines as God worked in him and with the people around him. And as I fell in love with the man, who's own faith grew into something incorruptible, eventually something began to change deep within me, too. I fell back in love with Him. The Lord himself. It felt as if the door had been opened, and I made the adamant choice to walk through it. I took the big leap of faith, literally. I began to listen instead of ignore. I began to talk about Him, and began to voice the words I was unable to verbalize for so long. I came out of my double life that I had so naively been living. I recongized right away that I had thought I knew who I was, but in reality, did not. I was aware that I thought I was Christian, only to find out I could know nothing until I knew Him. I began to believe wholeheartedly in His love, and because of that, my faith was restored. He restored me, and gave me His grace. He washed away my sins, and broke and convicted me of what I knew all along was wrong. I acknowledged myself as a sinner, and began to live through Him and for Him. Emotion and love for God began to pour out of my heart unlike ever before. For those reasons and more, I began to experience Him on a whole new and personal level.

He has answered countless prayers, and given me real and solid signs to show that he is there. Today, I am new, and whole, and live only for God, and for all that he has done. Now, I can happily say that MY faith and my love for the Lord is incorruptible. He died for me, for the sins of everyone. I know his Love, and I know HIM, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

And You Will Find Infinity

• Work thursday was brutal. Work friday was phenomenal. Work saturday was pretty decent, but close was fantastic. I LOVE MY CO WORKERS. Love, love, love, love them.
• I am soooooooooooooooo excited for Church. AH, Sunday, could ya come any faster please?
• I'm a little sad that I had to miss the Back Alley tonight, but I am so exhausted.
• I'm excited to visit Darlene and Keddy. I love how I am going to see my boyfriend's parents, and he is not even in the province. That is fantastic. They love me (I hope). He should love me, too.
• My feet hurt.
• My boob is so itchy. Its because I left the key for my lock in my bra, and now I am having an allergic reaction. UMMMMMMM, GO HOME.
• Need sleep. Need.
• And take your time, to trust in me, and you will find infinity <3
• LORD, thank you so much for answering that prayer. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Insanity

I am sitting on the living room chair, in the kitchen. Infront of me is a table, beside me on one side is a dishwasher, on the other side are lamps, and a dresser. Just behind me is a book shelf, and a vaccuum. Needless to say, the house is utter chaos. I had takeout Chinese food for lunch that spent half the night outside on the deck because we couldn't reach the fridge. My mother is breaking out so bad that her nose looks twice the size it should. She is rudolf. And I, am just about to spend 10 + hours at work. After in which, I will come home, immediately go to sleep, and then wake up and do it all over again. I've never heard my dad talk to himself so much in my life.

God, for the love of everything that is Holy, help us.

You Got Me

• I struggled a lot today with my self esteem and physical appearance. It's usually not too much of an issue. I don't know what it was... I am just feeling... repulsed.
• I CANT BELIEVE BIGGEST LOSER. GO HOME. I WANT TO BOYCOTT YOU NOW. :(
• My parents were on my nerves today, and I am doing my best to not be disrespectful.
• I'm here. I have always been here. You can open up to me.
• I love you, but this is hard.
• My breathing issues are coming back.
• I'm excited for tomorrow night. Superrrr excited.
• My thoughts are constantly on You, and what you have done for me. You've answered prayer after prayer. Give me strength to live for you, and through you.

The Whole Earth Shakes

Haaaay, Kj.
I think you're cute.
AND, I love you.

Hosanna In The Highest

You broke my heart for what broke yours.
And you will continue to break my heart for what breaks yours.

Last night, literally, changed my life. It is the turning point of my life with God.
I just can't believe it took me this long.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My goodness. The last couple of days have been pretty full.

On Friday I worked, and then Kaleigh and Tanya slept over. We hardly even did anything. We watched homevideo's of junior high, and of my birthdays. We picked out changes in ourselves. It was crazy to see how much has changed both physically and socially for us. But I am so glad for the memories that I can look back on, now.

On Saturday I got up, and I was feeling sick to my stomach from nerves 'cause of this thing Kj had invited me to. I always get that same feeling... I just feel so uneasy when I'm anxious, even if there is nothing to be worried about. I really need to work on that. Some sort of calming ritual, lol. Good luck with that, Amy. Anyway... Tanya dropped me off at his leaders' house, and my heart was seriously pounding so hard. It was nervewracking, knowing I was about to meet this group of teenagers that Kj is becoming so close with. But they all were wonderful people. I feel so happy for Kj because I don't think he could have better people to accompany him on this trip. They are all such a strong support system for eachother, and each of them were totally different. It was so neat to see.

Kj came over afterwards, and we just kinda hung out. That's probably the first time we have spent any real time together since he started bootcamp. I felt really happy to be able to finally talk one on one, and just be together. After going days and days without seeing him, especially on a busy week like the last one where there wasn't a huge amount of communication either, I get really restless for him. But this is a really good test to see how I am going to be able to handle it once he leaves. So far, I think I'm doin' pretty good, save for the exception days where I'm off my game and get emotional. I'm trying not to complicate things. And I'm trying to keep my head clear. I really am. I know my heart. Just trying to take it step by step. I love him.

They talked about that in church this morning. But about taking it step by step in faith. It's about actions speaking louder than words. You can call yourself a christian, and say that you are full in faith, but are you living out those words? That was really interesting to me. Because that's exactly what I did for so long. I said one thing, but never acted accordingly. I pretended. That is changing. And I am really glad. I'm already excited for next week, and this time I'll actually bring my bible so I can follow along. I'm glad that Steph went with me. It was nice to have someone else there while I am still getting used to the church. But I think I might have finally found some place that I'm comfortable in. It actually gets me excited to get up on sunday mornings, and praise God for everything he's done, and will do. It's so good.

We are finally putting the laminate on the floor. My parents worked ALL day. Once I got home from church, I helped clean the basement because my aunt is staying overnight down there. It will be nice to see her. Anyway, it's about 3/4 of the way done in only the living room so far. We have a loooooooooooooooooong way to go. It will look so nice after it's finished though. My mom and dad have worked so hard for this. I hope that it gets easier to get everything done, now that they have the hang of it. Im going to try and help as much as I can.

I am going to be very busy this week... I have 41 or possibly even more hours. I work monday through saturday, with INSANE like ten hour days. Our biggest event of the year can just go home right this second. I am going to be the textbook definition of a zombie by saturday night. I'm wishing myself luck for this one. Oohfta. Sorry if I am a little incommunicado, espeically for the later half of the week.

I'm Weary

FIRST of all, since when did it become thursday? Where has the first part of this week gone? What have I even done this week? This blows my mind. It feels like it should be monday, and it definitely isn't.

So tuesday I went for coffee with Steph, after much grumbling and complaining on both ends. Somehow we managed to make our way to sunridge. FUNNIEST thing happened while we were on the C- train. This drunk native guy, he looked pretty young, comes up and asks us for change. We of course say, no. And then thinking he would just swear at us and then leave, no, he continues to talk. "GOSH, you girls are pretty. YOU. and YOU. You are reallllllly pretty. Gosh, I wish you could be mine. GOSH you girls are pretty. I need another drink." Something like that. He must have said it like ten times. In the meantime, Steph and I are like half laughing, half feeling the need to run away. It was a good time. And then we sat in the food court, and talked. About a lot.

Yesterday I was really grumpy. This is what happens, ladies and gentlemen, when Amy has her monthly friend. But it was weird, because in the morning I was fine. Mom and I went out grocery shopping and I conned her into buying things we didn't need. But I decided I wanted to have a nap before work. So then I woke up at like 3:30, and was realllllllly grumpy. And I called Kaleigh, my poor best friend who has influenza. Get better you little nasty. Atleast it isn't H1N1, dear. Then work. Again today... SO DEAD. The manager from Cross Iron Mills called, and told us they were only at $400 dollars. Okay, seriously? In UB world, that is like... not good. At all. And we only did like $1800, or something. Baddddd. So it was dead all night. I bought the boys french fries, and now they have to love me for the rest of their life. Brandon made this robot costume out of a box, and that was super funny. All in all, Brandon and Greg managed to get me out of my grump. Props to you both for that. Thaaaank you. :)

I got home and didn't really know what to do with myself. I started reading, but then felt restless. So I watched Passion of the Christ. Haha, I know. Of all the movies. But I figured that now that I am learning so much more about scripture and the bible, watching it now would give me more of an understanding. I cried lots. That's no surprise. It was really good, though.

I really need to shave my legs. This is what happens when you have a boyfriend you never see (and apparently the communication is a hit and miss as of late, also). You don't have to worry about these things. Which is a good, and a bad thing at the same time. avhauihfiuaojvioahfhwa. Im confused. He did, however, ask me to go to his leaders' house on saturday. Which is really lucky, because this is the first saturday in awhile that I havent worked. It will be interesting. Dont understand why they all want to meet me. I'm like... Well i dont know, but whatever.

Gotta keep movin' on. Even when things are out of whack, and confusing. Clarity will come with time.

PS. I don't even feel you anymore. :(

It's A Choice, Not An Attitude

I feel exhausted of how I am living my life. I feel exhausted for living in mediocrity, and living in sin. How many times have I expressed my frustration, spent nights crying over something I still have done nothing to change. I know that I'm not ready to take that final step, yet. But I feel it coming. I feel my life starting to make sense again. And I definitely feel that sense of urgency to change it. It begins with God It begins, more importantly than anything or anyone, with living for him and through him. I am done being ashamed of what I believe in for the sake of others who do not. Because I, too, have spent many years living a double life. On one hand, I wanted to call myself Christian and pretend that I knew what that meant. But I had no idea. Not until recently. And on the other hand, I wanted to be able to speak freely with my personal experiences with God. But I wasn't able to speak out for myself and tell people what I truly believed in, other than saying, "I believe in God." Seriously, what does that even mean? It means nothing unless you have a foundation to run with. Whyyyyyy did I do this to myself for so long? It's not wrong for me to believe in Him. It's not wrong for me to love what He can do for me, and for other people. It's not wrong to have someone to always turn to, in any dark moment.

And then, it continues with my future. I am so much smarter then I let myself be, simply because I am unmotived and lazy. I am so lazy. What do I want? I want to finish the courses I need to go to university. I don't want to go to a college. I want to be in a unveristy, and I want to study something that makes me happy. I want to get a degree, and do something for me. I need this. I need to start getting my life together. I can't yet. The barrier is there, and it stands in my way. It feels like a physical disability. But this new year, things are going to change. I just need to make that final sprint. I have to. I have to do it for me. I have to prove, not only to the people involved in my life, but even more importanly to myself that I am worth this. I am going to change everything about myself. I am going to shape who I am, and still find time to be me. I WILL NOT compromise who I am for anything. I will always be me, no matter what. No one can change that. I'm going to do this. I am, I am, I am.

Another Tuesday

• I CALLED IT.
• I'm excited to have my coffee date with Steph. I haven't seen her in like a year, and I miss her. Imma pray for her sibs' (that makes me laugh) that they all get better soon.
• This hot chocolate I made is soooo goooood.
• UM, could you not? :( Kay, thanks.
• Ugh.
• Last night was SO neat. I'm just filled with so much emotion because of it. Oh my gosh, it was good.
• I miss my family. Don't wanna wait another 7 months. SO EXCITED for Aunty Denise to come.
• My tummy hurts. I need some ibuprofun. I BE PRO FUN.

If You're Up For It

You know what?

I feel fantastic. And it's because God worked so much in me today. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like that's not how I feel. I read what I am writing, and my previous blogs, and I can see Him changing me. It was the weirdest thing. This morning I woke up, and Kj offered for me to go to church with him. At first I wasn't sure, I feel awkward easily. But... It's like, my whole body was telling me to go. Something in my heart was tugging at it to just dive in, and go. So I did. And then the service talked exactly about what I fear the most, what I struggle with in my faith the most. And I knew I was meant to hear that message. How can I follow God and do everything he asks of me, when it could lead me straight to trouble and hardship? I've never been able to cross those waters. I have ALWAYS stopped at what is comfortable and easy for me, spiritually. And, before today, I never had any indication that it was a problem. Today changed that. As I grow in faith, that changes. He pushed me today, in my heart.
And I know now, that it's time to step it up.

And I know it must look and feel weird for the people that are closest to me, more particularly my best friends and my parents. Part of me worries that they will start to shy away from me because I'm becoming more spiritual. But I can't deny something that is so profoundly becoming a part of me. And I hope, hope, hope that they will be able to accept me for my changes. I'm still the same person. I can still act like a retard, and make mistakes, and swear, and do things that I probably shouldn't. The only thing that is changing is how I live for myself, and God. I hope they know that. Today really showed me the potential that Kj and I have together. You told me that if I felt anything, or if He confirmed anything, that you wanted me to tell you. So, I am telling you right now: We were sitting in that church, singing, and I all of a sudden just felt that I don't have to be afraid of where we are headed as a couple. I can do this, if you can do this. If you're up for it, let's get it right this time around. Let's be happy, and be together. I dont know what the future holds, and for now, I dont care. I don't know what I was being so stupid about. The two of us have been through more personal changes then I can count. So, here is one more.

Halloween was... good? Or... bad? I can't quite decide. I cried a lot. I had so much pent up emotion. Tanya's mom was fantastic, and let me cry on her for probably an hour. I just needed desperately to finally let it out. And I'm glad that it was courage to tell Kj everything I needed to, even if it maybe wasn't the best way to say it. It's like a tradition that everything comes out when one of is drunk now, haha. Not really. But actually. Anyway. The party. It was fun. I had a good time, even if no one else did.

Darling, When They Tell Your Story.

I feel like I've been writing this blog for other people. But that's not what this is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be for me, so that I can have these memories. I need to stop writing it wondering who will and won't read it. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. These are my personal thoughts, and I shouldn't be ashamed of them no matter what they are...


I am having so much trouble sleeping right now. Still dreaming every night! I can't remember my dream right now, and I wanted to share it. I should just start writing them on here... Too much effort. But getting to sleep, and staying asleep is a pain in my ass. I don't know what it is. I just literally cannot turn my brain off. It is not because of a certain thought; it is just in general. It's kind of like having ADD before one goes to sleep. I just jump from one thought to the next so fast. One triggers another, and so on. It is seriously so frustrating. Must find a technique to better my sleeping habits. I need the sleep.

I can't believe I worked 1-close the last two days. Not that it's such a mind grieving task. I'm just not used to it. My boss asked me if I am looking for more hours, and I said yes. So, I suppose that means I'mma be getting more and more of those nasty shifts. I need to remember to take of f the concert night, and Kayla's birthday. And truthfully, the shifts really aren't that horrible. I don't mind them. As long as I'm working with the right people. I can only take Colleen in small doses. She is just.. too "in the face" for my liking. The only thing I will give her credit for is that she is a damn good boss. She knows how to run our store, and she is the ONLY manager that has been able to do it properly. It is not an easy job, either. So, props to her for that. I LOVE the upbeat atmosphere. It's my favorite part about my job. Colleen says I am the most optimistic and happy person she knows. And I want to be like, "How is that possible?" I do like being happy. It makes life 100% more enjoyable.

Next on my "I can't believe" list, Halloween is in two days. WTF. When did this happen? How is Halloween in two days and I still don't have a costume? What do I want to be? However! Jenny and I are going shopping today, and hoooopefully *fingers crossed* I will find something that doesn't cost a million dollars. Because I think everyone around me, including myself, might shoot me if I wear my rag doll costume for a third year in a row. Haha. It's a good costume. I don't know what they all are complaining about. I don't feel very excited for Halloween. Maybe there just hasn't been enough hype. I don't know. I'm sure it will be a blast. I could care less how many people show up to the party. I get to spend it with my best friends, and Kj (Minus the Jenny best friend, in which I will miss terribly. Little nasty). And I am pretty excited to see Kj. It will be two weeks on saturday! I think that's actually the longest we have gone without seeing eachother, well, ever. Unless you want to include the month we didnt see eachother last summer when we were "seeing eachother". That probs doesn't count. So yeah. It's weird. But I'm not suffering, so that's a bonus! I think that being able to text fairly regularly is a big help on that basis. God continues to give me strength in that area, and in any area that requires strength. He is blessing me with SO much of it that sometimes I don't even know how to handle myself. It feels like a burden has been lifted right off my chest, and I am not used to that. He is giving me the chance to live my life without fear and regret. Right now, I couldn't ask for more. It's wonderful. It seems now that I was a wimp before. Well, not a wimp. Just.. less strong? Lol whatever. I WENT OFF TOPIC. The point is... Halloween. It'll be interesting. I'm kinda more excited just to decorate with Tanya, Breanna and Kaleigh. Let's get a bottle of wine and do it up! Haha. Fsshh.

I am so proud of Jenny for making it two whole years with Cody, today! It actually doesn't feel that long to me, unless I really stop to think about the memories of when they first were dating. Then it seems more like two years. But on the whole, it doesn't. I knew they'd end together until there was some sort of apocolypse. I've been right so far. Wish I could have a two year anniversary. The longest I've made it is eight months, LOL. I fail at life. Cares. I will someday. Today is Jenny's day.

That is all. :)

It's Tuesday.

• I must have had some serious lapse in judgement to agree to work from 1 - close today. Somebody should just kill be right now and be done with it. I am going to die. Brandon is working, though, so I will hopefully alteast get some entertainment out of today.
• Thank you for the talk last night. I know how stupid and confusing that topic must be. Well, I dont really know, but I can definitely imagine. I needed to tell somebody that, and I'm glad it was you. I'm always here. You can't get rid of me.
• I miss you! We were supposed to have a sleepover like twice, and it never happened. Gtfo. Let's go have coffee soon, okay?
• I'm walkin' tall against the rain.
• I'm so happy for you and your continual healing! I can't wait for the day when the cancer is all gone. Everybody will be so happy for you, and with you.
• I still need a costume. But I don't really feel like going to find one.
• Help my heart be great.
• My passion in photography is growing so much.
• I miss playing music.

• God.

Secret #2

I'm not sure I can do this.

Psalm 61.

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer

From, the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher
than I.

For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your
wings.

Secret #One.

I can't be who you are.
I can't be who you are.

It's 4:39 in the morning, and I like to ramble.

My throat hurts so bad. Maybe that's why I'm awake right now. I would much rather be sleeping. When you wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn until the realization hits that you are not tired, it opens up a world of possibilites; most likely of which is that you will continue to lay in your bed and let your thoughts take over. That is exactly what I did. So now I am sitting (laying... whichever) in a puddle of thoughts ramming through my head. Ramming? Does that word work in that sentance? Im pretty sure it doesnt. My brain is too lazy to figure it out. I just keep wondering what in the world is possessing me to still be awake. I mean, other than the obvs reason. Again, I would just like to point out that my throat hurts. I just had a yogurt tube. Is it sunday today? It is. Haha, oh Amy. Just wait until your count down starts at 18 weeks. I am excited to start at a gym, and learn how to cook with Jenny. Dangit, Brandon will be disappointed that we didn't meet up in our dreams to fight crime. And I was all excited, too. :/ Oh just kidding, I'm too busy with my eyes open instead of closed like they should be. I am still dreaming every night. It's been like this for weeks, now. I should really start a dream journal and record these vivid and completely random thingers we call dreams. Honestly, though, I am not sure I have enough motivation in the morning to be able to write about my dream first thing. I am like zombie girl in the morning. Ma hair is like zombie girl, too. Ouch my throat. I'm pretty sure imma brave it out and get the h1n1 (R2D2) virus vaccination. One of the girls from my work called in sick today because she went to the doctor and they told her she had symptoms of Swine flu. I will die if I get swine. I have zero immune system. So, therefore, the only logical thing to do would be to eliminate the possibility of getting it. Me and daddy are going to get it, I think. My feet are hanging off my bed right now. OH HAY, I'M GODZILLA. And speaking of... Quail was mentioned in the bible again tonight when I was reading. Did you guys know that I am trying to read the bible? It's hard. The pages are thin. But the title was "Quails from the Lord" I lol'd so hard. Even though I hate the word quail, and it should not be used as a replacement term for fail. A fail is a fail. A quail is a bird. Plain and simple. I have been listening to the same song on repeat for like an hour now. Should probs change it. But too lazy. Oh goody. It's five now. How have I been writing this for almost twenty minutes? It seems like it was like four or something. Oh, there are lingering thoughts on my brain that I should not be thinking. They need to gtfo before they mess me up. The last thing I need is to become emotionally unstable because I got caught up in something that had no meaning in the end. God knows I have worked hard to be at the point I am today. And He's the only one who knows how hard. My ear is so itchy. My room is dark, and I do not like. I reallllllllllllllly want to see Paranormal Activity, but there is no way on earth I am going to do it without Kj there. It isn't going to happen. I won't sleep for a week afterwards. Mmmmm... Sleep. I would like to do that, now. Especially since I have to be awake again in four and a half hours so I can go to friggen brunch. I am just going to sleep all day if I don't sleep now. That's how that one will work out. I am craving Timmy's. And subway. Mmmmm, food. Why do they always make the number on an alarm clock red? Why not blue or green or something? Because when it's red, and you look at it out of the corner of your eye, it looks like devil eyes. Ahahaha. Or like some sort of animal. That's not even funny, but I'm busting a tit laughing. My throat hurts. I miss you. I need to stop talking now that I have sufficiently wasted a half hour of my time writing this very long ramble. Oh good, now I have a second part to my title so it doesnt have to just say "it's 4:39 in the morning." My back hurts.

Fa La la la

• It's ma birthday in exactly two months. I'M SO OLD.
• There has been a ton of miscommunication between us both. Maybe there still is a little. But I have missed you more than you even know, and I hope that the last couple of days mean that things are getting better. Atleast, that's how I have taken it... :/ Let's stay friends. please?
• I'm getting excited for christmas and it is not even Halloween yet. There is a problem with that.
• I got twenty bucks in a Halloween card from my grandma today. Imma use it for breakfast with the girls on sunday.
• Super excited for saturday. AND NEXT SATURDAY. Halloweeeeeen, wooooo
• Hey, I love you girly.
• That song will always be for you and me. Regardless of the past, and the future. You still have a place in my heart. That song always strikes a chord. Always.
• I should really try and think of something solid to write about instead of having these random one liners.

Sun Flowers

1. I had a lot of fun with you today. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you. Your history is so deep and interesting. Thanks for the laughs. :) Needed those.
2. Maybe it's completely the opposite of what I thought. Maybe it's the other way around. The thought of that bothers me, but it's not something I can ignore.
3. My brain is on overload. Fantastic.
4. I was such a retard when I was a kid. Holy smokes.
5. I walked so much today. I didnt even go anywhere significantly interesting. Infact, mostly I hung out at work. I am lame.
6. I'm happy for you. I really am.
7. Please just talk to me. I need you.
8. I miss you. Can we please hang out soon? I miss us being able to talk about the stupidest things and laughing about nothing.
9. I can't give you what I know you want.
10. I've lost 3 more pounds. I should try just not eating more often.
11. Help me understand.
12. You're making my stomach drop.

What Does This Mean?

It's time for me to just write. I feel overwhelmed. But at the same time, I don't feel a sense of total unhappiness. I am not unhappy. I just feel overwhelmed by my life. Since I could walk and talk, I have been the girl that wants to please everyone. I physically cringe at a sad face, or a tear. Especially if it is my fault that I caused it when a person was undeserving of it. I have spent my entire life trying to be the person that everyone loved. And usually, that's how it was. My personality was what came through when everyone saw me. I was that big loveable teddy bear that people could come to for their problems, or for a good laugh. But lately, I don't feel like myself. I feel like part of me is acting. Because I have to. I don't know if its because I'm not sure if people, or more particularly the people I love, won't accept me, or if it's because I don't know who I am. I think it's partially a combination of both. But I honestly have never felt so confused about who I am as a person. I feel like I'm in effing junior high again. You know those awkward and uncomfortable years where you try to figure out what you are into, what you arent into, who you are, what you believe in? Apparently, I am having a repeat of that. I know that I'm a good person, a go- to person. I'm a listener, and I'll sit and listen to people's problems for as long as they want me to. But I can't seem to stop and listen to myself. I avoid the problems I feel, or think of. I avoid them, and pretend they arent there. Eventually I do that so much that I dont know which are problems, and which are realities. And then at that point, I've been doing that so often that I don't know how to fix them. Or change them.

Well, You Know.

• Nasty, disgusting, gross rodents. COULD YOU PLEASE GO FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE? OKAY? Okay. THANK YOU.
• Oh honey, you better take a good long look at where you have put yourself. You're becoming someone that no one wants to be around. You think you are so much better than us, but you don't even know what the meaning of "better" is. Get real.
• I have a kankar (is that how you spell Kankar?) sore on ma tongue, and it huuuurts.
• I probably shouldn't be thinking the things I am thinking right now.

• Mmm, whatcha say. Mmm, that it's all for the best? Of course it is...

Here Goes Nothing...

Another day, another new realization.

Today marks the beginning of Kj's training for Africa. I can't believe it's here already. But I can say that I feel much more prepared to be there to support him now then I did before. I could hardly support myself on this subject. I am so proud of him for getting this far already. I remember when this trip was nine months away, and thinking that it felt so long. I remember feeling scared. And now here we are, with less than three months until departing day. And the training is the first big step. I am so excited for him to meet and start bonding with the 10 other people he is going on this trip with. Oh gosh. Today is just such a big day for him. I think about how far I've come mentally and emotionally in a week, and it seems weird how I felt before. It seems I've come to terms with so much. And although in the future it could be bad or good, it's okay with me now. But, I guess I am just glad that I am able to take days to make these changes, instead of taking months like I would have if I was the old me. I am so thankful for the strength god is providing me. I don't think I would, or could be as strong otherwise. And not only him, but the absolutely unfailing support system of my friends. Especially from the select few, and they know who they are. I am thankful for them, too. Bring it on.

Bring it all on. I am so ready.

PS. I know how hard it is. Believe me, if anyone does, it's me. I promise that it will be okay, whatever happens. Just don't forget that I am here. A ten minute walk, or a phone call, or a text away. I love you.

Let There Be Light.

Everything happens for a reason. And I absolutely can do this. My last wall is down, and it's time to just live, and remember that I am not alone. I can't hold back. I have to live my life as it was meant to be lived. I have to stop looking, and just be. One day at a time.

Help My Heart Be Great.

Today is thanksgiving. I think a lot of people take this day as a day of great food. And its left at that. But behind all of the good food, which was fabulous... there is such a deeper meaning.

What am I thankful for?

In reality, there are so many things I have to be thankful for. So much has changed since the last thanksgiving, the last time I really thought about what I had. But sometimes it really hits you. I think today it has. Granted, these last few weeks I have not been happy. On the inside. There is a lot of changing and adapting that I am going through for myself, and for who I am. But when I take that aside, I can't remember the last time I've been this content with my life. I have such wonderful friends and family to thank for that. I have so much, a lot more then sometimes I even realize.

Turn the Lights On

There are so many thoughts in my head. Please make it stop.

Take It From Me.

I have things to think about. I need to re evaluate who I am, and what I want and need. And I need to do it now, before I become anymore unhappy than I already am.
No, I'm not pushing anyone away.

Day and Night

I can't believe how fast time is going. I always knew that the summer would go by fast, but I thought that once the end of August hit things would kind of slow down. How wrong I was! I can't believe we're already into October. It's fall already. It's so beautiful outside. Everywhere I go, I just feel like I could stay there and look and experience for ever. I wish I could freeze time. To right now. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Change is fast approaching in so many different ways, and because time is going so fast, I'm having trouble adapting to it. And anyone that knows me already knows that I have trouble adjusting to change as it is on a regular basis. I feel like I am constantly telling myself to just take a deep breath and go with it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like being busy, and having things to do.

But it's always just like... UGGGGHHHHHHHH.
If that makes sense.

I guess the best thing I can do right now is to keep telling myself to breathe, and just go with it. Deal with the things that are stressful one baby step at a time. If I complicate things, I will only make everything that much harder on myself. Breathe.

What Can I Say.

• So, Snaz was fantastic. I forgot how much fun it was! So glad I went.
• I definitely needed that perspective. I feel so stupid for feeling sorry about something I shouldn't be feeling sorry for. I need to get over myself.
• I have to stop having nights like that. They are getting me nowhere.
• I miss you.
• Buck up. Just... buck up.

12:05, September 24th, 2009

I have just come to the most terrifying and beautiful realization of my entire life.

Its 30 Degrees Today.

• So, first of at all, WTF. Kaleigh and I go through all this trouble to catch the effing mouse that was in the basement, release it into the wild (aka, the complex) and then an HOUR later hear ANOTHER ONE. Like, is that mouse really that smart that it found its way back, or did we just have two the whole time. Either way, NOT IMPRESSED. Go home. You're like the cat that came back, except the mouse. Gtfo.
• Kaleigh needs to wake up.
• I'm excited to get my hair cut tomorrow. Buddy who did it last time fucked it up.
• I'M SO WAY EXCITED FOR SNAZZZZZZ. Friday, could you get here any faster?
• It's supposed to be 31 degrees today. Yesterday was the first day of fall, and today we might hit record breaking temperatures. What IS THIS?
• I'm borrrreeeeddddd. I want to go outside.

I Can Take Pictures.

I did my very first homemade photoshoot yesterday. This is one of my very favorites, unedited.

As long as you love me

I can't believe today is six months! This is our first big anniversary. I look back, and it makes me smile how far we've come from a year + ago until now. We're nuts. I've never known of such a weird couple. But it fits, perfectly.
I'm so happy. And my fingers are crossed that he is too.

Ssss, Ahhhh.

As weird as this is to say, I miss you, and everything you stood for. I miss seeing you every day, and for that one period of the day that could always cheer me up.

Life Goes On

God, give me strength.

And The World I'm In, Makes Me Delirious

1. I had an actual, legit conversation with my parents today. It was good. We talked about how my upgrading (Or lack thereof) is going, and sort of made a time frame up. It's going to take me two years to do all my upgrading. And I think that's okay with me. A lot of people wait years and year before they go back. I think that two years is acceptable for me. It's enough time to give me a taste of the working world, and to get all the upgrades I want done, and at the same time it's not too much time that I decide that I dont want to go back. Because as simply as I can put it, I want to do something fantastic with my life. And the best way I can start that is by going back to school. But I need some time to explore, and to just do what I need to do.
2. I've decided my mom was also right about my financial situation. I really need to start saving. You know, I know that people don't need a lot of money to be happy. But at the same time, they DO need money. From the way I am going, I'm going to be terrible at keeping a living. I am glad, though, that I atleast have a job that I for the most part, don't hate.
3. I'm excited for work tomorrow. It's gonna be super cool to have a DJ there! PLUS, I got to buy a new cute dress that everyone loved on me. Even though it's really short and not really something I wear...
4. I have the worst period cramps of my life. It feels wrong. Something doesn't feel right.
5. I'm really tired of not being able to take a full breath. What is going on with my breathing! I've turned into Tanya!
6. I love how I found out Patrick Swayze died from a number of status' I get to my phone. Good lord.
7. Wooooow. My six month anniversary is in three days. I love you.
8. I enjoy fake nails. I've had to replace most of them, so now I'm glad I spent the 13 bucks on the pack of 36. Makes them last longer.
9. So I'm with my mom and my dad in the kitchen today, and I'm talking to mom about my cramps and how I am positive that if I had any idea what labour cramps felt like, this would be it. And dad comes in, and he's like, "Oh, you're pregnant?" (yes, jokingly, he's not THAT big of an oaf.) And I'm like, "Oh, forsure. Even though that's not physically possible." And dad's like, "What, you don't have a WOMB?" And I'm like, "No dad, I'm not having sex." What an idiot.
10. I think it's a little funny that the wool has been pulled over your eyes.

In The End, It's All Nice ... ?

Drugs.

It's such a broad subject. Usually there are only two sides of the spectrum. People are either for it, or they are against it. There aren't many who are in the middle. Atleast not many that I know of. Today really opened my eyes. I was out with Steph and Kj, and we realized a girl we went to school with was in the same park as us. Eventually, she made her away over to where we were, and sat to talk. But she was... demented. It was like watching something out of a movie. She had all of the effects, all the actions, all the words of someone so completely high that they could barely function. She talked about a "universal thing." In some aspects, I could catch what she was saying. And on another level, when I stopped thinking and just listened to her, it was hard to keep my head up. I couldn't even force myself to look her in the eyes for more than a second. I just couldn't do it. It made me feel like puking. I thought I was used to seeing people acting unlike themselves. A good example of that is growing up with my father. Being a pot head for what, 37 years? Save the few years he didn't do it because I was young, and again when Alex was young. I don't think I have ever been pushed into such a hard perspective in my life. It was like all of a sudden, it all clicked. I remember so many times telling myself that I would never try bad things. And, I mean, I have for the most part stuck to that. The one experience I had with a scary drug was enough of a reality check. But it's like... you wonder how people can live like that. I am so curious of what they see, what they feel, how they think... What is life like when you are always on a self induced high?

It's so scary to watch.

Today made me remember a movie I once watched, called "Requiem of a Dream." It was one of the most screwed up movies that I have ever seen. And at the same time, it was so emotionally charged and so completely raw that I remember not being able to take my eyes away from the TV. How do people choose to live that way? Why is it so good? Is it because they are scared of their own life, of their self... That they don't know how to live? Are they insecure, and seek comfort in a high that will allow them to feel just as they want to feel? Or are they just looking for a "one time" good time... And then somehow get caught up along the way? How do they wake up and can feel how physically sick their body is, and just continue to abuse it until there is nothing left of them.

Why?

I think that I have made a life choice, starting today, to not involve myself with drugs. I know that I can't promise and hold myself to it yet, but I am going to try. Knowing me, I have such a terrible habit of saying one thing, and then doing another. But even the thought of getting high on weed, and then by some chance starting to do it every day makes me feel like vomitting repeatedly. I think about the times I have been high on weed, and I feel gross. I never want to look at myself in the mirror and see what I saw today. See what I see on a regular basis, just by looking at people I have never seen or met before. Who have never made on impact on my life until the second I look into their face and say to myself, "They are fucked up on something." It makes me sad. I have seen enough. From people I know personally, and from people that I don't. And I don't want to be one of those occasional/ and or recreational pot smokers. I don't want to encourage it.
It's a life choice, and it's something that I want to stay far away from.

And then there's nights that never end...

I can't believe we had to end up telling Kj about our fundraiser. We thought we had this so cleverly planned out. Or, atleast in the beginning stages... But such as life.

I'm excited to do this. Very excited.

Faith and Understanding.

Wow.

Last night was really a turning point for me. In a lot of ways. It's weird how sometimes, the shoulder you use to cry on comes from the most unexpected of people. Granted, Justin has done a lot of really rotten things to me, and to people I care about in the past. We both have come a long way from them. Sometimes he says stupid things that piss me off, or piss people off that love me. But speaking to him last night with such openness felt like a genuine breath of fresh air. It's like they say about how sometimes hearing things from an outsider point of view, or maybe just the right person, is the only way a person will see. I spent four hours talking on the phone with him. And really, that's always how it is. We have never once, in the almost three years of knowing eachother, run out of things to talk about. Some of it was completely pointless. Probably just to make me feel better. And it worked. But I got hit hard last night.

I'm sitting in my living room, on the couch, watching my mom watch TV.

But I am not even really here. I am completely engrossed in thought. So I am just going to write. I am thinking about the things he said. About life, about dealing with situations, about never being able to know whats going to happen. I think that this is a problem I have. I search for an essential truth. I dig, until I really know. I don't like to be in suspense. I never have. I think that I have always thought that I could somehow help my future along. But Justin said that not one person can prepare for what the future holds. And he is right. No one knows what is going to happen. I have to live, and get hurt. I have to live, and get hurt until it pays off. And some day, it will. It is right now. Sometimes I am so weak, and at the same time, I have strength that no one knows. A strength that not any person on this earth knows about, other than me. I am the strength that my friends can't make for themselves. I am the strength for a person who feels like they can open up to me. I am their strength. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to use that own strength on myself. Sometimes I am able to. And sometimes I am not. Where does strength come from? Does it come from faith, from experience, from understanding, from learning? Where does your strength come from? For me, it is all of the above. It really depends on the situation. Sometimes, I cannot rely solely on my faith for the source of my strength. And I don't blame myself for it. That is just who I am. A lot of my faith comes from the strength I have learned to give myself from experiences; both good and bad. Maybe I feel the need to talk about my faith because it has come up in conversation so often between my boyfriend and I, between Justin and I, between a lot of people lately.

It is so hard to explain how I feel about my faith. I know that I have it. I know that such a huge amount of it comes from God himself. I know that at the end of the day, where there might not be anyone else, there is Him. He watches over me, and He has helped me overcome more situations with clarity than I can count. I have seen a lot of people be influenced by god in the most indescribable of ways. But it is a different kind of experience for me. Because of that, some people mistake me for someone who does not take religion and faith very seriously. But they are wrong. This is me; Sometimes I lie in bed at night, and all I do is cry. And it's because I feel so overwhelmed by Him, by something I can literally feel inside of my heart that He wants me to do. It can happen at random, but mostly it happens when I pray. It's like a tug at first, and then a complete clearing of my head. Like all the stars have aligned, that all is in its place. And I can see what I need to do right infront of me. My heart slows, and I know that He is there, that he is listening. My hands will start to shake, and then there is a calming. Everything is numbed down, and I feel Him. At those moments, I think clearly and in the most mature and understanding way. I have flashes of knowledge and understanding that I did not have before. I have perfection. That, is my faith. That is my God, that I have known since infancy. Years and years of experience have shown that is what he does for me. I don't think I've ever told anybody, or even written it out before. It is such an emotional, private part of my life. It is beautiful in every single way. It's something that I share with Him, and only Him. It is what it is.

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth, until you learn to lie
You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes, just open your eyes...
And see that life is beautiful.

Time After Time

Camping was wonderful. I had such a great time. Probs drank more than I should, but at this point, I had too much fun to regret it. It was so nice to just get away from everything. I took like a million pictures, as per usual. And it allowed me a lot of time to think.

Sometimes, I'm not sure I can live up to what you expect of me. I know, it's not even like you have ridiculous expectations. You've never asked for me to be anything more than I am. But I see the the things you say, write, say, or feel. And I feel inadequate. I'm not sure I can get rid of it. And if I can't... Nothing good will come from it.

There is a difference.

I don't know how to talk to you about this, but it needs to happen.

I'll get him hot, show him what I got

1. I think I am going to have to skip out on the first part of this evening. As much as I love Morah...
2. I have never met you. But I know I will at some point. I am praying for your recovery, and for ease during your tough road ahead. I know exactly what it is like to watch a family member to go through medical problems time after time. My Aunty Donna suffered from cancer three times, as well as a tumor in her stomach before it finally ended her life. But from what I can tell from you, God has certainly been watching out for you. I know that He has a certain plan for you, just like all the rest of us. I can see just how much your family loves and cares for you, and somehow, it brings me to tears every single time something happens to you. It seems like your brothers only weakness is you. He cares so much, and though I think you know that, it is heartbreaking to watch. And your mom, she is the very same. I have heard about all of the trouble you have gone through, and how much it affects her. And it is hard to hear, even though this family has been a part of my life for such a short time in the big picture. Until I meet you and talk to you in person, I wish you the very best of luck for the beginning of your chemo. And just like many, many others, God will hear my prayers for you, too. You are anything but alone.
3. I am excited for the girls' night tonight, even though I might not spend the night. It will be nice to spend time with everyone.
4. Jenny JUST texted me, and said that she just saw a lebanese man with smaller ears than me, and I DEFS LOL'D. So good. I miss you. No more fighting.
5. I am back to being obsessed with Poker Face. Such a good song.
6. CAMPING IN FOUR DAYS. We went and bought food today, and stuff for our alcohol shots. I'm friggen excited.
7. That is all, for now.

Tickin' like a time bomb

Secret.


I lied.

'Cause I wanna make it right.

Kj and I have been through a lot.

Spending that 24 + hours with him was eye opening for me. What the magazines say about distance is good, about needing to be able to be independent; it's all true. We have something different. Part of that is because Kj isn't like a "normal" guy. For the most part, I can't even compare him to any guy. I think that's why initially, I fell for him. We don't spend a huge amount time together, because both of us have lives, with things to do and people to see. But it makes the moments we do share all that more special. It's always those, "wow" moments. We are probably the weirdest couple in some people's eyes. But it's always been that way for us. We either look like we shouldnt be together, or we look like we've been together for years. Some people don't seem to realize that just because we aren't always touching or in physical contact doesn't mean our feelings aren't strong. On the contrary, we both know that when it comes down to it, it's him and me. And that's it. On the other hand, some people see us, and they wonder how a couple who have only been together officially for just over five months can have such a strong understanding and connection. If you asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I could tell you that we've been through a lot, and then try to start from the beginning. But that would be pointless, because there is just so much.

For those of you who read my blog and don't know, Kj is going on a mission trip to Malta and North Africa in January of 2010. It's something he has wanted to do from the second he heard about it. And really... No one, or thing will stop him from going. He will make it happen, because that's the kind of person he is. I have always been a supporter of him going to Africa. Right from the get go, even when he worried about me and how I would adapt. And to let you in on a little secret, when I first found out, my heart dropped probably about as far as it is possible for a heart to drop. But you know... I'm not scared of what's going to happen when he gets home anymore. Because I will still be me, and he will still be him. Undoubtly, this trip will change him. And Kj will be modified, in a way. And both of us will have to adapt. We have watched each other go through entirely life changing situations, that were difficult to say in the very least, and because of this, we have learned about each other inside out. But just like I have the utmost faith in his ability and incredible drive to do good all the way in Africa, I have just as much faith back home for me, and what happens afterwards. I didn't have that before. For months, I worried about loosing him. And then all of a sudden I realized that he is always going to be in my life in some way, whether that be in a relationship or friendship form. Having him in my life at all is more than important to me; it's everything. You wouldn't be able to understand unless you knew him personally. It's still four months away, but those four months will go fast, and I think we both know it. Deep down, I know that how we feel about each other is enough to get us through it all. It hasn't failed thus far.
He's always t w o s t e p s a h e a d of me in the thinking process when it comes to stuff like this. But knowing that, now, it is a matter of making the right decisions and choices, of being who we are and being able to accept each other exactly for who we are. It's a matter of understanding even if it's hard, and of learning to just take it day by day. It's a matter of fighting for what we need, and what we want.

And more than anything, I think it's a matter of remembering where we are coming from, and where we have the potential to go.

Circle of Life

Holy, absolute PERFECTION.

Disney's, the Lion King - Hands down, the best experience I have up to date of a live performance. Wow, wow, wow wow wow. I could go on for hours about this broadway show. It was so incredibly well done that I have no words for it. Every single thing about it was phenomenal. I had chills that started at the tip of my toes and spread through my whole body, enough to make even my lips quiver. I probably was either crying or had tears in my eyes for 75% of the show. The opening, and the ending were both so powerful that I found myself holding my breath once the lights went out. I have to say that my favorite casted character was Rafiki. My gosh, the lady that played the character was astounding. And boy, could she sing. Ah. I get chills even thinking about it over in my head. The ensemble did an INCREDIBLE job with the music. It wouldn't have been half as good without it. And, of course, the singing. There were no wrong or sour notes to be found. I... God, it was just so good; the lights, the set, the props, the costumes, the dancing, the singing, the humor, the emotion, the universal effect. Every character was portrayed perfectly and convincingly. This is something I am never going to forget. As a child, and even now going into adulthood, the Lion King is my favorite disney movie ever made. It was the very first movie I went to see in a theatre, when I was only four years old. It feels like such a blessing to have been able to see this. As much as I wanted to see it when I first heard about it, I knew I wouldn't have the money to go. But thanks to Kj's mom, whom I am now eternally in deft to, I was given the chance. I walked into the Jubilee expecting nothing like what I saw. It was one of those, "wow" moments. Seeing that performance made me realize just how much I miss performing. I want to get into it again. Obviously, I am nowhere near a level that would suffice for broadway...

But I want to do something.

And one week and 5 days later...

I'll make this one short and sweet.
I am so exited to see ma boyfriend. Period.

Ashlynn Rain, this one is for you.

I thought I may as well write a little before I go to bed. Yesterday was another full and exciting day with my cousins whom I love dearly. We slept in until like noon, and then headed back over to our grandparents house. We watched like 18 episodes (Or not quite) of CSI. Grandpa took us on our annual trip to Eau Claire Market. That lasted about ten minutes. At any rate, it was long enough for us to get some candy at the candy store. Caramels, yogurt covered raisins, chocolate covered raisins. Mmmm. How I am 18, I have no idea. We got home, played rooke, which seems to be the famous game around there, and then went out for dinner at this place called...

Samosa Grill - It is east indian based. I was admittedly not at all looking forward to it, as our last endeavor to a restaurant based on a very different ethnicity did not end very well. It was called Saltan's tent and it was... Well, this is getting off topic. I was pleasantly surprised by this place. It wasn't too bad. I mean, I wasn't raving or thriving from it afterwards. But it filled me up, and the food was pretty decent. I think it's one of those things you sort of have to acquire a taste for, like chinese. I would go to it again, but it's again, not one of thise places I'd eat at every week. The bread they served was my favorite. Oh, and the coke was ridiculously cold and that was SO good (And of course, the one thing I do thrive about just happens to be coke). My favorite dish was the butter chicken. That stuff was some good chicken, man. I'll definitely give 'em that.

Moving on, parents took Alex and I home to get our stuff because we were spending the night our grandparents. We got there, and then I made dad go all the way back because I forgot my sweater. And I wasn't about to borrow my grandma's sweater like dad suggested I do. I'm sorry, It just wasn't going to happen. Grandma tried to bribe me into joining her ladies choir again yesterday. "I swear, if you join, young people will be popping up all over the place." Yeah. Still isn't going to happen.

Speaking of joining choirs. So, a couple weeks ago I was browsing Calgary for extra curricular choirs I could maybe join. I came across the Calgary Girls Choir. I send in my information, and basically said that I was looking for a choir. They called me back yesterday. The ladies name was Meghan. She said that she hoped someone had gotten ahold of me, and that they were doing auditions next week and to call. All of a sudden, I don't want to call. I don't know if I should bother, I don't know if I'm good enough. I'm wigging myself out with the "what ifs." So, at this point... I don't know whether to call. But I NEED to make a decision.

After dinner, and the hubub about going back to the house for my sweater, it's time to go to a movie. Grandpa pays for all of us. Sara, Emily and I went and saw...

The Ugly Truth - SUCH a good movie. I mean, yes, it is a chick flick. Yes, it is a cheesy romantic comedy. But it had that hook. It was raw and hilarious, and made you want to laugh, scream, cry and smile all at the same time. Now maybe I am just a sucker for movies, and I give good reviews easily, but I just can't help myself. People overrate movies so much these days. They pick them apart because they have nothing better to do. Seriously... these people went into this movie because they saw the potential. And so should you. You little nasties. ANYWAY. I recommend any girl who is a sucker for a good love movie to go to this one, with or without your man. It's a gooder.

Last night was my favorite with the cousins. After the good movie, I almost got ran over by a van. Oh, yes, that was fun. Everyone was killing themselves laughing while I screamed at the van. To it's back, of course. As if I have the balls to yell at the people in there to their face. We got home, changed into our pajamas, and immediately went outside. There is this hill type thing behind our grandparents called a BURM. Weird, I KNOW. But that's what it's called. So anyway, we went up there and were being goofs. We walked along the burm to a playground near by, and played on the playground. I was on the swing. The stars were out last night, so I just stared at them. Dreamy, right? We only had a limited amount of time, or the girls did actually, because of their dad, so then we walked back. We layed down on the burn right behind the house and just looked at the stars. And talked. It was good. Finally, we surpassed our alloted amount of time, and uncle Matthew came out and made us come back in. I went to the close the gate and crush the palm of my hand in between it. Oooh, that felt greeeeaaat. I went into the freezer and took our some frozen pees. No, idiots, I didn't eat the pees. I used them to ice my hand which was throbbing and swollen. I woke up this morning to it being bruised, and I'm pretty sure its bleeding under the skin. Which means I broke a blood vessel. I'm good. What can I say. So, we're all sitting around the TV, watching Family Guy. Alex has the remote, and Sara wants it. Here is the conversation which has Emily and I in tears.

Sara: Can I have the remote?
Alex: There's not any left.
*Blank looks*
Emily: What?
Alex: There's not any milk left.
Emily and Amy: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Sara: I asked for the remote, NOT FOR MILK.
Alex: Oh... I thought you... Oh *passes remote*
Emily and Amy: HAHAHAHAH
Alex: Stop cackling! You'll wake up the grandparents
Emily and Amy and Sara: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Today, I had to skip out going to Cross Iron Mill because I had to work at three. I went and saw the girls on my break to say goodbye, and then they ended up coming to my store for a visit because grandpa and grandma wanted desert. It was nice. After work, I went out with six of my co-workers to Moxies for one of the girls birthday. Eden turned 20 yesterday. It was really nice. I found out that we are all very loud and laughy when we are together. I'm glad I went.


LASTLY. I got a text message from one of my best friends early this afternoon. He found out that a girl I went to junior high with, and was friends with, died yesterday. Nobody knows how, yet. I couldn't believe it. Jenny mentioned that it was the first person of our graduating grade 9 class to die. It scared me a little. Tonight my prayers will be for her, her family, and her friends. Rest in peace. And speaking of God... Well, you know what I am asking to be answered. I'll keep it just between us. Please.