It's A Choice, Not An Attitude

I feel exhausted of how I am living my life. I feel exhausted for living in mediocrity, and living in sin. How many times have I expressed my frustration, spent nights crying over something I still have done nothing to change. I know that I'm not ready to take that final step, yet. But I feel it coming. I feel my life starting to make sense again. And I definitely feel that sense of urgency to change it. It begins with God It begins, more importantly than anything or anyone, with living for him and through him. I am done being ashamed of what I believe in for the sake of others who do not. Because I, too, have spent many years living a double life. On one hand, I wanted to call myself Christian and pretend that I knew what that meant. But I had no idea. Not until recently. And on the other hand, I wanted to be able to speak freely with my personal experiences with God. But I wasn't able to speak out for myself and tell people what I truly believed in, other than saying, "I believe in God." Seriously, what does that even mean? It means nothing unless you have a foundation to run with. Whyyyyyy did I do this to myself for so long? It's not wrong for me to believe in Him. It's not wrong for me to love what He can do for me, and for other people. It's not wrong to have someone to always turn to, in any dark moment.

And then, it continues with my future. I am so much smarter then I let myself be, simply because I am unmotived and lazy. I am so lazy. What do I want? I want to finish the courses I need to go to university. I don't want to go to a college. I want to be in a unveristy, and I want to study something that makes me happy. I want to get a degree, and do something for me. I need this. I need to start getting my life together. I can't yet. The barrier is there, and it stands in my way. It feels like a physical disability. But this new year, things are going to change. I just need to make that final sprint. I have to. I have to do it for me. I have to prove, not only to the people involved in my life, but even more importanly to myself that I am worth this. I am going to change everything about myself. I am going to shape who I am, and still find time to be me. I WILL NOT compromise who I am for anything. I will always be me, no matter what. No one can change that. I'm going to do this. I am, I am, I am.