If You're Up For It

You know what?

I feel fantastic. And it's because God worked so much in me today. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like that's not how I feel. I read what I am writing, and my previous blogs, and I can see Him changing me. It was the weirdest thing. This morning I woke up, and Kj offered for me to go to church with him. At first I wasn't sure, I feel awkward easily. But... It's like, my whole body was telling me to go. Something in my heart was tugging at it to just dive in, and go. So I did. And then the service talked exactly about what I fear the most, what I struggle with in my faith the most. And I knew I was meant to hear that message. How can I follow God and do everything he asks of me, when it could lead me straight to trouble and hardship? I've never been able to cross those waters. I have ALWAYS stopped at what is comfortable and easy for me, spiritually. And, before today, I never had any indication that it was a problem. Today changed that. As I grow in faith, that changes. He pushed me today, in my heart.
And I know now, that it's time to step it up.

And I know it must look and feel weird for the people that are closest to me, more particularly my best friends and my parents. Part of me worries that they will start to shy away from me because I'm becoming more spiritual. But I can't deny something that is so profoundly becoming a part of me. And I hope, hope, hope that they will be able to accept me for my changes. I'm still the same person. I can still act like a retard, and make mistakes, and swear, and do things that I probably shouldn't. The only thing that is changing is how I live for myself, and God. I hope they know that. Today really showed me the potential that Kj and I have together. You told me that if I felt anything, or if He confirmed anything, that you wanted me to tell you. So, I am telling you right now: We were sitting in that church, singing, and I all of a sudden just felt that I don't have to be afraid of where we are headed as a couple. I can do this, if you can do this. If you're up for it, let's get it right this time around. Let's be happy, and be together. I dont know what the future holds, and for now, I dont care. I don't know what I was being so stupid about. The two of us have been through more personal changes then I can count. So, here is one more.

Halloween was... good? Or... bad? I can't quite decide. I cried a lot. I had so much pent up emotion. Tanya's mom was fantastic, and let me cry on her for probably an hour. I just needed desperately to finally let it out. And I'm glad that it was courage to tell Kj everything I needed to, even if it maybe wasn't the best way to say it. It's like a tradition that everything comes out when one of is drunk now, haha. Not really. But actually. Anyway. The party. It was fun. I had a good time, even if no one else did.