Faith and Understanding.

Wow.

Last night was really a turning point for me. In a lot of ways. It's weird how sometimes, the shoulder you use to cry on comes from the most unexpected of people. Granted, Justin has done a lot of really rotten things to me, and to people I care about in the past. We both have come a long way from them. Sometimes he says stupid things that piss me off, or piss people off that love me. But speaking to him last night with such openness felt like a genuine breath of fresh air. It's like they say about how sometimes hearing things from an outsider point of view, or maybe just the right person, is the only way a person will see. I spent four hours talking on the phone with him. And really, that's always how it is. We have never once, in the almost three years of knowing eachother, run out of things to talk about. Some of it was completely pointless. Probably just to make me feel better. And it worked. But I got hit hard last night.

I'm sitting in my living room, on the couch, watching my mom watch TV.

But I am not even really here. I am completely engrossed in thought. So I am just going to write. I am thinking about the things he said. About life, about dealing with situations, about never being able to know whats going to happen. I think that this is a problem I have. I search for an essential truth. I dig, until I really know. I don't like to be in suspense. I never have. I think that I have always thought that I could somehow help my future along. But Justin said that not one person can prepare for what the future holds. And he is right. No one knows what is going to happen. I have to live, and get hurt. I have to live, and get hurt until it pays off. And some day, it will. It is right now. Sometimes I am so weak, and at the same time, I have strength that no one knows. A strength that not any person on this earth knows about, other than me. I am the strength that my friends can't make for themselves. I am the strength for a person who feels like they can open up to me. I am their strength. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to use that own strength on myself. Sometimes I am able to. And sometimes I am not. Where does strength come from? Does it come from faith, from experience, from understanding, from learning? Where does your strength come from? For me, it is all of the above. It really depends on the situation. Sometimes, I cannot rely solely on my faith for the source of my strength. And I don't blame myself for it. That is just who I am. A lot of my faith comes from the strength I have learned to give myself from experiences; both good and bad. Maybe I feel the need to talk about my faith because it has come up in conversation so often between my boyfriend and I, between Justin and I, between a lot of people lately.

It is so hard to explain how I feel about my faith. I know that I have it. I know that such a huge amount of it comes from God himself. I know that at the end of the day, where there might not be anyone else, there is Him. He watches over me, and He has helped me overcome more situations with clarity than I can count. I have seen a lot of people be influenced by god in the most indescribable of ways. But it is a different kind of experience for me. Because of that, some people mistake me for someone who does not take religion and faith very seriously. But they are wrong. This is me; Sometimes I lie in bed at night, and all I do is cry. And it's because I feel so overwhelmed by Him, by something I can literally feel inside of my heart that He wants me to do. It can happen at random, but mostly it happens when I pray. It's like a tug at first, and then a complete clearing of my head. Like all the stars have aligned, that all is in its place. And I can see what I need to do right infront of me. My heart slows, and I know that He is there, that he is listening. My hands will start to shake, and then there is a calming. Everything is numbed down, and I feel Him. At those moments, I think clearly and in the most mature and understanding way. I have flashes of knowledge and understanding that I did not have before. I have perfection. That, is my faith. That is my God, that I have known since infancy. Years and years of experience have shown that is what he does for me. I don't think I've ever told anybody, or even written it out before. It is such an emotional, private part of my life. It is beautiful in every single way. It's something that I share with Him, and only Him. It is what it is.

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth, until you learn to lie
You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes, just open your eyes...
And see that life is beautiful.