Being Alive

When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just
to know you're alive.

Well... I am feeling sort of odd tonight. I am in a weird mood. I feel really happy on one side, because, well just LIFE. Life is good. But there is an ache in my heart that my brain is not really processing. I think that I am thinking too much. I need to just be. I can't believe my birthday is in 6 days. I am getting so old. I have a very busy week ahead of me, with A LOT of celebrating. Celebrations for my birthday, and for Christmas, and most importantly, for the birth date of God! But my goodness, I feel like I am getting old. Time has certainly caught up with me. Actually, no - No, it just keeps running. I can't believe it's almost the start of a new year. I can't believe Kj leaves in less than a month. Its our nine month today, even though I dont really know why we even go by this anniversary anymore, when clearly we have been together since the dawn of time. Just kidding, but still. Holy. It is time to start making some decisions about where I am going to go next with my life. But I seem to be having trouble making them, and I know exactly why. I must work on that.

Oh boy. I feel like spontaneously combusting. I feel so alive, and yet there is a nagging. I feel like i'm on the brink of a huge change. Which, for obvious reasons I am. But it is more than that. I can just feel it. I guess I need to pray about it. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. I feel off right now, but I need to let it out somehow. Thus, the rambling. I think maybe I need a hug or something. I don't know. I don't know about anything right now - Except God. Because he is the consistancy in my life that I desperately crave for and need . I don't really have it anywhere else. Well, that is not true. In a few places, I do. But sometimes it's not where I really need it to be. I need Him now, more than ever. I need His strength, I need His direction. I need consistance. I think that is perhaps, a huge inner problem of mine. I have been struggling with keeping something, anything consistant my life since I was a child. From situations, to hobbies, to academics, to people. Or maybe it's them being consistant with me. I don't even know what I am trying to say. I don't understand why my brain does this. It always over thinks to such an uneccesary level. Over analyzes. But I think I am having a realization. I have never had anything consistant in my life. The good things are always changing, leaving, falling apart, becoming unimportant (except obvs my family and few friends). And I mean, of course to an extent that is life. Those things will happen. I think maybe it has happened so many times that it has caught up with me. But God won't. He will ALWAYS be there. He is unchanging, incorruptible, unfathomable, undying in His love. He won't ever leave, or go away, or change unless I am the one to will him away. Lord, I need your consistancy. More than anything in my life ever before, I need this to keep me strong.

I think I need to cry, but the tears aren't really coming out. So I think I am just going to try and calm myself down in a different way. Or else, I will wait for the tears to finally come. Because sooner or later, everybody needs an escape. God is my escape. My friends are my escape. But tears - Well, they are my physical escape.