One more thing!

http://wwwamy-lifeasilearnit.blogspot.com/

I just changed the name a bit. Thats the actual link now.

It is time!

I have a new blog, y'all. It's called Life As I Learn It

http://amy-lifeasilearnit.blogspot.com

Follow me. :) I won't be using this one anymore.

Thoughts, you can go home.

I can't stop thinking about it lately. I don't know why because I've been doing so well. Sometimes I feel like it's not fair that we can't share that part of ourselves. I understand why, and I am all for it but it is driving me crazy right now. I just want it to so bad and I know that I have to wait. I am okay with waiting, because I know how special it's going to be. But I can't seem to get it off my mind, and i'm going mental.

And on a related note, we fail. And I am going to do something about it because it needs to happen.

ughughugh.

Life as I know it

"So it's strange, I think I realize

how much more I love you when

I'm away from you, strange how

distance does that too. But it makes

me know a little more how much I

want to be with you forever."

Someday, I am going to marry you.

This is our fate, I'm yours.

Thank you, Lord.

I'm never letting this go

I am so happy with my life. Of course I go through struggles, and I have shit that I deal with.
But I am happy.

Thank you God for granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I've never applied that quote to my life, and I now I understand it completely. Thank you Lord for blessing me every single day. Thank you for being my light and way of life. Thank you for changing me to strive to mimic your son. Thank you for forgiving me when I fall away. Thank you for loving me.

Conviction and revelation

He said to me, "Ask me why you chose to make that decision?" So, I asked. He replied, "You were searching for the approval and love you have never given yourself, because you have never allowed yourself to open up to me long enough to show you that you are beautiful." Pins could be heard dropping in my silence. Memories began to flash at a hunrded times per second. And then I realize, this is the truth. This is what I have allowed to happen. And I cried, and cried, and cried. But then the reshaping of my heart began, and I was thankful.

What goes up must come down

Sidenote: The weekend was fantastic. Snaz was lovely, and so was my UB work party.

I have had a couple of really crappy days. Well, today is not over yet. But yesterday was awful. First of all, I woke up to one of the worst self esteem days I've had in a very long time. This has not left yet. I'm sick of myself. I want to change it, but I am too lazy and that makes me really angry and upset with myself. For example, I'm sitting here right now eating chocolate when I could just as easily be eating cucumber. I worked yesterday and that went badly because of this one person I work with. I have tried and done so well with finding the good in everyone, and today I realized this is the first co worker ever that I haven't liked. I get a bad vibe, and they make me extremely uncomfortable. Plus, the way they talk and act is rude and vulgar. I don't like them, and I am going to talk to my manager and ask her to not schedule me with this person. That added a measurable amount of anger to my day. By the time Tehillah came around, I was having a rough time getting into worship because all of a sudden it hit me that I have not yet been able to forgive myself for the things I've done in my past that I regret now. I thought I had let these things go and I just layed it all down for God. I did do that, but I never really personally forgave myself. So right now I am having a lot of trouble coping with this. I know that I need to really let go, but the guilt is overwhelming. The sickness I feel in my stomach won't go away.

Needless to say, yesterday was really bad. Today has not been as bad. I am better in the sense that it's easier to smile and laugh. I am not, however, any better on the inside. I feel like I'm fighting a major internal battle with myself. I am trying really hard to come to terms with everything and move on. But I feel like it's going to take a little time. Today I was supposed to work, but I called in and even though I couldn't get anyone to cover my shift, they let me stay home because I started crying on the phone. I am feeling a little overwhelmed just simply for the fact that I have been very busy and haven't been able to stay on top of all my reading and note taking. I am going to take this evening to get as much of that done as I can so I can focus on my two essays due next week. I am now curled up in my sweats and Kj's sweater (who has been an unstoppable force of support, mind you. Steph, too.) and once I am done this blog, I am going to start on my Sociology. Then, tonight I am going to watch Glee which hopefully will cheer me up (and I'm sure it will because its the Britney Spears episode) and then I will go to bed. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I have faith.

I also need to go to the doctor for a few medical reasons that are really starting to bother me. Oh, and did I mention that on top of that all, I also am right in the middle of my period? Yup.

Chicken salad is wonderful

I just realized that the only kind of meat i'm into right now is either chicken or turkey. Isn't that weird? I've been such a meat person my whole life, but I am kinda off everything else right now for some reason.

So I was on the bus home from school and was, as always, jammin out the ipod. And for whatever reason, I always always forget that I have that "note" application on there. Every few months I remember again (for example, the last one I wrote was in March, oops). I was looking through the very few of them and there was one that was written almost exactly a year ago on the first day of fall. I had written briefly how I was scared to say goodbye. HA! That is so weird to think about how scared I was for Kj to leave. Now he's been home for over five months and sometimes I forget he even went. I guess it's because now it seems like such an insignificant amount of time compared to the big picture. I guess when I put myself back into that time I remember how long it was. But life is moving too fast for that. And besides, we are going to have a new obstacle to start on pretty quick. Well, in a year. But that will come quickly.

School is going so well. Oddly well for me, actually. I have never been into this as much as I am now. It is a little strange, but that's okay. AND. I have decided on what I want to do... ! I'm going to apply December 1st so that I will get in forsure! I am excited for next semester so I can do French and finally not feel like I'm partially cheating the system since I don't have that last 30 level. As much as I feel like a University student, there is part of me that doesn't because I am only in Open Studies AND because I still have that one course to do. But, by the next beginning of the school year, that all will have changed.

Snaz is tomorrow and I am so excited! I CANNNNNT believe this is the third time in a row that I'm going. That's so crazy! I love those kids so much, and they are finally starting to really know me and trust me. Which, is good! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun, and the kids will love it too.

I have been cranky lately, and I think it's because it's that time of month coming up right away. Hopefully these mood swings will end soon, I hate being cranky.

One more thing

I should also bring attention to the fact that I am blessed with the best possible man on earth. This evening we went out for dinner because its our year and a half officialeee ('cause unofficially we've been together since the dawn of time. Just kidding, but seriously) on Friday, and he bought me roses. So we had a lovely dinner, then we went to walmart and spent eight years busting a frickin' tit in the toy section. Yup, that's us. When I got home I opened the letter he wrote me, and it was just filled with lovely things and it was beautiful. I feel so blessed to have such a modest, loving, and functioning relationship. He is so good to me, always. I just love it, I love him. He's everything to me.

Drum roll, please...

Okay, ladies and gents. Picture this: Amy Johnson, is sitting right in the midst of her University, Laptop plugged in, and her books covering every inch of the table that she is currently occupying. It's hard to imagine, let alone be the very truth of. I can't believe I'm here, and it makes me so happy. It has been a very long time since I have liked to learn, but I am loving it so far. I realize that I am only into my first week of school. I also realize that at the end of the term it is going to be hell. But the fact that I am here is proving myself wrong. I thought that I would never get the motivation back to further my education. At the back of my mind, I knew I needed to in order to live a decent life. But I was frightened that I would never get here. It only took me a year! Every day I am coming closer to reaching my goal of picking an actual major. Whether that be a diploma that will eventually turn into a bachelor, or going straight into a bachelor. I am, for once, excited to be challenged. I feel like I am more than ready to be challenged mentally, and I am sure emotionally, too. I feel right here. I feel like I should be here, and that I deserve it. It is such a good feeling. The newest chapter of my life has begun, and I am moving forward!