One more thing!

http://wwwamy-lifeasilearnit.blogspot.com/

I just changed the name a bit. Thats the actual link now.

It is time!

I have a new blog, y'all. It's called Life As I Learn It

http://amy-lifeasilearnit.blogspot.com

Follow me. :) I won't be using this one anymore.

Thoughts, you can go home.

I can't stop thinking about it lately. I don't know why because I've been doing so well. Sometimes I feel like it's not fair that we can't share that part of ourselves. I understand why, and I am all for it but it is driving me crazy right now. I just want it to so bad and I know that I have to wait. I am okay with waiting, because I know how special it's going to be. But I can't seem to get it off my mind, and i'm going mental.

And on a related note, we fail. And I am going to do something about it because it needs to happen.

ughughugh.

Life as I know it

"So it's strange, I think I realize

how much more I love you when

I'm away from you, strange how

distance does that too. But it makes

me know a little more how much I

want to be with you forever."

Someday, I am going to marry you.

This is our fate, I'm yours.

Thank you, Lord.

I'm never letting this go

I am so happy with my life. Of course I go through struggles, and I have shit that I deal with.
But I am happy.

Thank you God for granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I've never applied that quote to my life, and I now I understand it completely. Thank you Lord for blessing me every single day. Thank you for being my light and way of life. Thank you for changing me to strive to mimic your son. Thank you for forgiving me when I fall away. Thank you for loving me.

Conviction and revelation

He said to me, "Ask me why you chose to make that decision?" So, I asked. He replied, "You were searching for the approval and love you have never given yourself, because you have never allowed yourself to open up to me long enough to show you that you are beautiful." Pins could be heard dropping in my silence. Memories began to flash at a hunrded times per second. And then I realize, this is the truth. This is what I have allowed to happen. And I cried, and cried, and cried. But then the reshaping of my heart began, and I was thankful.

What goes up must come down

Sidenote: The weekend was fantastic. Snaz was lovely, and so was my UB work party.

I have had a couple of really crappy days. Well, today is not over yet. But yesterday was awful. First of all, I woke up to one of the worst self esteem days I've had in a very long time. This has not left yet. I'm sick of myself. I want to change it, but I am too lazy and that makes me really angry and upset with myself. For example, I'm sitting here right now eating chocolate when I could just as easily be eating cucumber. I worked yesterday and that went badly because of this one person I work with. I have tried and done so well with finding the good in everyone, and today I realized this is the first co worker ever that I haven't liked. I get a bad vibe, and they make me extremely uncomfortable. Plus, the way they talk and act is rude and vulgar. I don't like them, and I am going to talk to my manager and ask her to not schedule me with this person. That added a measurable amount of anger to my day. By the time Tehillah came around, I was having a rough time getting into worship because all of a sudden it hit me that I have not yet been able to forgive myself for the things I've done in my past that I regret now. I thought I had let these things go and I just layed it all down for God. I did do that, but I never really personally forgave myself. So right now I am having a lot of trouble coping with this. I know that I need to really let go, but the guilt is overwhelming. The sickness I feel in my stomach won't go away.

Needless to say, yesterday was really bad. Today has not been as bad. I am better in the sense that it's easier to smile and laugh. I am not, however, any better on the inside. I feel like I'm fighting a major internal battle with myself. I am trying really hard to come to terms with everything and move on. But I feel like it's going to take a little time. Today I was supposed to work, but I called in and even though I couldn't get anyone to cover my shift, they let me stay home because I started crying on the phone. I am feeling a little overwhelmed just simply for the fact that I have been very busy and haven't been able to stay on top of all my reading and note taking. I am going to take this evening to get as much of that done as I can so I can focus on my two essays due next week. I am now curled up in my sweats and Kj's sweater (who has been an unstoppable force of support, mind you. Steph, too.) and once I am done this blog, I am going to start on my Sociology. Then, tonight I am going to watch Glee which hopefully will cheer me up (and I'm sure it will because its the Britney Spears episode) and then I will go to bed. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I have faith.

I also need to go to the doctor for a few medical reasons that are really starting to bother me. Oh, and did I mention that on top of that all, I also am right in the middle of my period? Yup.

Chicken salad is wonderful

I just realized that the only kind of meat i'm into right now is either chicken or turkey. Isn't that weird? I've been such a meat person my whole life, but I am kinda off everything else right now for some reason.

So I was on the bus home from school and was, as always, jammin out the ipod. And for whatever reason, I always always forget that I have that "note" application on there. Every few months I remember again (for example, the last one I wrote was in March, oops). I was looking through the very few of them and there was one that was written almost exactly a year ago on the first day of fall. I had written briefly how I was scared to say goodbye. HA! That is so weird to think about how scared I was for Kj to leave. Now he's been home for over five months and sometimes I forget he even went. I guess it's because now it seems like such an insignificant amount of time compared to the big picture. I guess when I put myself back into that time I remember how long it was. But life is moving too fast for that. And besides, we are going to have a new obstacle to start on pretty quick. Well, in a year. But that will come quickly.

School is going so well. Oddly well for me, actually. I have never been into this as much as I am now. It is a little strange, but that's okay. AND. I have decided on what I want to do... ! I'm going to apply December 1st so that I will get in forsure! I am excited for next semester so I can do French and finally not feel like I'm partially cheating the system since I don't have that last 30 level. As much as I feel like a University student, there is part of me that doesn't because I am only in Open Studies AND because I still have that one course to do. But, by the next beginning of the school year, that all will have changed.

Snaz is tomorrow and I am so excited! I CANNNNNT believe this is the third time in a row that I'm going. That's so crazy! I love those kids so much, and they are finally starting to really know me and trust me. Which, is good! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun, and the kids will love it too.

I have been cranky lately, and I think it's because it's that time of month coming up right away. Hopefully these mood swings will end soon, I hate being cranky.

One more thing

I should also bring attention to the fact that I am blessed with the best possible man on earth. This evening we went out for dinner because its our year and a half officialeee ('cause unofficially we've been together since the dawn of time. Just kidding, but seriously) on Friday, and he bought me roses. So we had a lovely dinner, then we went to walmart and spent eight years busting a frickin' tit in the toy section. Yup, that's us. When I got home I opened the letter he wrote me, and it was just filled with lovely things and it was beautiful. I feel so blessed to have such a modest, loving, and functioning relationship. He is so good to me, always. I just love it, I love him. He's everything to me.

Drum roll, please...

Okay, ladies and gents. Picture this: Amy Johnson, is sitting right in the midst of her University, Laptop plugged in, and her books covering every inch of the table that she is currently occupying. It's hard to imagine, let alone be the very truth of. I can't believe I'm here, and it makes me so happy. It has been a very long time since I have liked to learn, but I am loving it so far. I realize that I am only into my first week of school. I also realize that at the end of the term it is going to be hell. But the fact that I am here is proving myself wrong. I thought that I would never get the motivation back to further my education. At the back of my mind, I knew I needed to in order to live a decent life. But I was frightened that I would never get here. It only took me a year! Every day I am coming closer to reaching my goal of picking an actual major. Whether that be a diploma that will eventually turn into a bachelor, or going straight into a bachelor. I am, for once, excited to be challenged. I feel like I am more than ready to be challenged mentally, and I am sure emotionally, too. I feel right here. I feel like I should be here, and that I deserve it. It is such a good feeling. The newest chapter of my life has begun, and I am moving forward!

I dreamed a dream

WOW. I love Mount Royal. The atmosphere is so great. Everyone is so nice, even the people that I thought wouldn't be. My professors are great. I haven't met one of them, but the other two I like. I LOVE my sociology class. I had no idea that it was this fascinating. Infact, for the first time in my life, I feel like the knowitall of the class. I put my hand up and answered like every question my prof asked because the reading we had to do I re read AND made notes on. Holy frig. It is so interesting. If it stays this good, I might end up applying for my BA and majoring in Sociology. The facilites in the school are awesome, like the gym. They provide so much help and sessions we can take. They have a chapel, and a place you can go for to pray and there are people on campus that we can talk to. There are also faith groups I can join and stuff, and I think that is fabulous. I'll have to check out the chapel. And the classroom sizes are so ideal, as opposed to trying to learn with 200 people in one class. Although, that would kind of be cool to experience. I love it. I know that the school work hasn't even started yet, but I love it already. I can't wait to finish my french in the second semester so I can get started on an actual degree. Ah. So good, y'all. :)

I know it's inconvienent that I can't drive, but I love taking transit to and from school. I like the time to reflect and to just walk and observe people. A lot of the time I hang out with God, too. Today I was on my way home and had just got off the bus downtown, and I had to pull out my earbuds for some reason. I heard this jazz music, so I followed it and got to hear this fantastic live jazz/funk/soul band. I was thinking to myself what a blessing it was to hear them. They gave me shivers! At the end, I went up because I saw that they were giving out cards. I grabbed one because I wanted to know the name of the band, and then I looked on the back and there was a small message from the lead singer. This is what it said:

music is what liberates people from within
In it's tones are the keys to life & death
I went to the mountaintop
I saw that I am but a child of God
I am a musician
I am going to play for God
Lord, thank you for the oppertunity
I promise to do my all to uplift,
to illuminate and to transform
the consciousness of humanity to divine truth

SO, SO NEAT. God most definitely set that up for me perfectly. I love it. I am going to email this guy, and tell him that. And tell him how wonderful his band is, too. 'Cause they were great! God is good.

I am learning the Glee version of "I Dreamed A Dream." Well, Breanna and I are learning it seperately, and then we are going to sing it together. Maybe we'll put it on Facebook if we get good enough at it. I love it. It is such a powerful song.

La di da

I wish I was writing on these more, but I really don't have much to say! Things have just kind of been same old around here for the last bit. On September 4th I celebrated my two year anniversary at Urban Behaviour. I think that is crazy. I can't believe i've been working there for so long. I would have never in a million years thought I'd still be here a year ago.

Tomorrow is orrrrienatttionnnnnnnn. I am getting so excited. I cant wait. I was supposed to be getting up early today to pick up my school books, but that didn't happen so now I am just going to do it tomorrow when I'm there. It's labour day today, and I have to work. But it's time and a half I think! Which is neat. Im only doing four hours, but it will be like getting paid for eight. Beautiful. And then I have Tehillah tonight. I think I might be just going by myself, because Steph and Kj are both probs not going. Oh well! I am there to meet with thaaaa lord anyways. I don't mind going by myself once in awhile. Last night I went to change my shirt and my hand was way up high, since I'm so tall y'know, and I scraped my knuckle on the light in my room and now it is very sore. ALSO, Kaleigh and I went for a walk in the rain the other night, and I scraped by toe because I was trying to splash her and it didn't go so well.

Pavement = 1, Amy = 0. Fail.

Slap in the face

So, last weekend was phenomenal. I had the best time with my best friends. I cannot believe that the four of us have been best friends for 6 years now! That's incredible! That means I've been living in Calgary for 6 years. Time really flys by. Lady Gaga was so, so so so so amazing. She did such a fantastic job. It was by far the best concert I've been to. I am so happy that I can look back on last weekend and know there was never a bad moment. I feel so appreciative towards the girls because we have made it so far, and through so many changes. That's some serious commitment right there! And we have done it even though there were fights, though there were periods where we barely talked or didn't talk at all, though we have our own lives to balance. But the thing that has always stayed is that we have perservered through it. I know there were times when all of us were just ready to give up. But we didn't. We've always worked it out. And I think we are coming into a season where everything is finally okay again. There is peace where there used to be tension. I am so grateful.

Last night was a really heavy night at Tehillah for me. I just have felt so spiritually dry lately. And it's so hard because I know what I am doing wrong, but I just can't seem to get out of the rut. I just want to be close to God again, like when it first all happened. I can't believe its been almost a year since I accepted God into my heart. At the end of October of last year. That's crazy. I've got some stuff I need to work out with him. Right now it seems like he has decided I need to be given the silent treatment which I am not liking so much. Frig. I need to set my priorities straight.

Summer has gone by so quickly. It feels like Kj came home yesterday, and summer was just starting. But tomorrow is September 1st! I just finally ordered my textbooks, which is a good thing because I start school in 9 days! Well, 7 if you count the two days of orientation. I am getting so excited for this. I know it is going to be hard to balance school, and work, and my personal life. But I do have faith that it is going to work out. And I know that atleast I still will be involved spiritually because I will be continuing to go to Church, and Tehillah, and I am becoming a permanent youth leader at Steph's church this year, too. It is a lot of commitment, but I want it.

It's weird growing up. Today I spent like eight years on the phone with my credit card company, cancelling stuff and finding out information about my actual bank account. And about halfway through I thought to myself, "this is stuff I've been watching my parents handle." and it's strange. I know that I've been dreading turning 20, but I think I am also excited. I think that I am finally starting to appreciate new responsibilites.

I know that these next few years are going to be pivotal. But, I think I am ready for it now.

Today I am doing nothing with my life, which is okay, because I need to recouperate anyway. I somehow was plagued with a cold. Kj insists it wasn't him because I had different symptoms in the beginning, but I think it was him. Because yes, I've been going around and kissing many others besides him. Except, not.

GAH!

I did something awful to my back. And I have been getting awful back spasms for the last two days, and it has hurt for the last four. And I want it to get better, RIGHT NOW. Before I cut myself.

I have to work all this week, but it will be worth it because come Friday morning, I will be Edmonton born with my girls, and we are going to have a fabulous weekend! We are going to see Gaga, which I am SO STOKED for. And then shop, and hang out with my party animal cousins. AH. So excited.

I am almost done my secular music fast! I have until Tuesday. Im not sure if I have to go all day Tuesday or if Im done starting Tuesday, so I guess I'll see when the day comes. I'm really proud of myself for doing this, and it has really helped. Im happy with it.

I am so worried about Chad. I hope he can find himself again.

I LUHH YOU BOYFRIENNN.

Whiter than snow

Today is August 17th.
I am starting a fast, but it's not one of those no food fasts. I'm fasting from secular music. Basically, that means when I am at home or in control of the music I listen to, it is all worship music. Of course I cant do anything when I'm at work or with other people. But this is a chance for me to get focused with God. Last night at Tehillah really hit home, and there are things I need to change. I need to make him number 1 again, because life has been getting in the way. This is the first fast from anything that I've done. And I hope this will be a small step to being able to make fasting a consistent thing.

Also, I am starting my own personal diet TODAY. I have failed at it. And I am tired of looking the way I am, when I know I can look better. It is a personal goal of mine, and it has to start right now.

Hey, I'm in love.

It's no secret anymore that I hope I spend the rest of my life with him.

It was fate that brought us together; God's will.

And every day I just love him more.
Sometimes I kind of feel silly because of it.

Everything that was exciting about him when we first started seeing eachother even, is still just as exciting and beautiful now .

I honestly am treated like no one could ever compare, and that is a great feeling.

I always feel on the top of the world.

And I am so blessed that it's overwhelming.

I'm growing up!

These are the things in my life that are currently making me unfreakin'believably happy, also makes me feel good because I am growing up a little bit!

- I freakin' have God!

- I am in a long term relationship that I could absolutely not be any happier with. And my friggen boyfriend is beyond wonderful.

- I have great friends.

- I am starting University in less than a month. :)

- I have my learners, finally! And I am finally starting to be able to actually operate it.

- I applied / probably will have my very first credit card by next week.

- I love my life.

Overwhelmed

I can do something to change the world.
I can do something to change someone's life.
I am more than this.
God, give me strength.
I think I just got a glimpse of my fate.

Don't listen to them when they say you're just a fool,
just a fool to believe you can change the world

Happy Birthday boyfriend!

Breathe in. It is such a good thing that God has given me the heart to just let this go, because I think you are being a giant cow. Nonetheless; Love eachother. Of course, God's like, kay you need to stop being so angry. There should be no room in my heart for hate. I just am really disappointed in you. Breathe out.


That aside, today is Kj's 19th birthday! He loved my birthday present, and that makes me beyond happy. I put my heart into that, and I think he knew it. Looking back on it, it makes me realize how much has happened in the almost three years that we have known eachother. Half of that time we have spent dating. Actually, more than half of it. That is craziness! I love him. I hope he has a good day, and an even better year.

I had fun yesterday for Breanna's birthday too. The club was so so lame, but she had a good time and that's what mattered. Tonight Kj is having a get together of sorts at his house. We'll have a fire and stuff. It will be neat. Tomorrow we are floating the bow with a bunch of our church friends. So excited for that! It is going to be so much fun, and those people are just so wonderful.

Do you wanna die happy?

I watched the movie 2010 today. As much as I don't believe in it, the thought of the world ending scares the crap out of me. I mean, ultimately I know where I am going when I die. But, still. I want to live my life first. I want to experience all those human things. It is so crazy to think that in two years, the world could be over. In one day. That is too much for my brain to handle.

We dropped Karina off today. I had a great time with her, but I am a little happy to finally have some time alone. Just me time.

Both Chad and my Uncle John are in the hospital right now. I am praying for them both. It is scary stuff, for two completely different reasons.

I am obsessed with this song by Madonna with David Guetta and Lil Wayne. It is so good.

My love's a revolver.
I let it bang bang.

Dynamite life.

I have been failing at writing blogs. Get on 'er.

Karina has been here since Saturday, and today is... Tuesday. It has been a really good time! We have been doing lots and busting a tit every 0.5econds. It's been so nice to catch up. She really opened up to me, and it was heartbreaking but good at the same time.

I am so excited for this weekend. It is Breanna's birthday, and then Kj's! I am excited for his present. He makes me happy. He said something tonight that made me really, really, really happy.

I am having the hot flash of my life right now. I feel like I have menopause.

I love you, GOD.

The "C" button on the keyboard is sticking.

"I like Jesus. He can stay."

AMEN. Life got in the way for awhile, there. I got distracted. That's okay, though.
He still loves me.

But especially after last week and tonight, I defs have refocused.

VBS ftw.

Today was the first of day of helping out at my grandpa's church for VBS. It was cute! I'm really glad Steph can help me out. It's nice having someone else there to interact with, as much as I love my grandparents. And this kids were pretty responsive to it, so that is good, too! We went to Denny's during our break and it was lovely.

I have been having a rough couple of days. I don't know why I am getting so emotional and upset over this stuff, but I am. And I am not going to apologize because it is how I feel. I know what I need to do, I just don't want to.

My dreams are scaring me. But not in a BOO! kind of scary way. In a... what is my sub consious trying to tell me kind of way. What is God trying to tell me?

What is changing in me... ?

Not tryin' to rewind

Well.

Yesterday was Stampede day. In the morning I went to the Stampede breakfast at Sunridge with some of my co workers, and it was actually a lot of fun. I love those people. And I went with a pretty random group of people to the actual Stampede. Me, Kj, Steph, Jordan, Nikkie, Chelsea, Breanna, Britney, and Lei. Wait, what? Rewind, freeze: Jordan and Nikkie? Yes. We hung out with them the whole time. It was weird. But, it was a weird good. I think that the ice has finally been broken completely. And for the first time in over two years, I felt comfortable around Jordan, and Nikkie for that matter. It was really, really neat. I was able to joke, and laugh and talk. It was actually really cool to see Jordan and Kj hanging out and Nikkie and I were able to just talk. That part aside, Stampede was a heck of a lot of fun. Went on some rides, ate too much, busted a tit a few times, shopped. What else is new. Except when one of the rides broke down and there were ambulances and cops. It was scary. I refused to go on any rides after that. But I am glad no one died.

I don't know. I feel like I am still proccessing yesterday. It was pretty monumental for me. It almost feels like relief. It's been one of those things in your life that you are always unsettled about because there was never closure. But now I feel like that I have that, so if it was that I never saw Jordan or Nikkie again,, or alteast not for a long time, I wouldn't feel that unsettling. I don't think that's going to happen though. I feel like there is more coming, and I hope it does. I know that I can handle it now. And thank you, God. For being with me. I love you more than anything. Help me be a light, always.


PS. I have a terrible feeling about something, and I can't find the words to tell anyone or explain it.

And I'm on my way to believing

I bought the cutest pink summer dress from Le Chateau today. Oh my goodness. And it's a small! I couldn't even believe it. Seriously, the last time I bought a small was probably grade ten or eleven. And I mean, technically its only because its one of those dresses that are tight fitting in the waist and then flowy at the bottom. 'Cause if it was tight fitting all over there is no way I'd get myself into a small. But it feels nice, it makes me feel better about myself. I had a good self esteem day today, which is also nice to have once in awhile.

I found out that I actually don't work on Friday, so I get to go to Stampede with Kj and Steph. And whoever else is coming, I haven't asked Steph who else she invited. Is it bad to wear a dress to Stampede? I want to wear my new one so bad! I am excited to go on some rides, but I am going to try not to spend too much money. Oh! And! On Friday morning I am going to meet up with a bunch of my co workers for the Stampede breakfast at Sunridge.

Work is all of a sudden better right now. But I know that is temporary. Something will happen and I'll be unhappy again. For now, though, I am content. And I seriously love my co workers. Tony is my absolutely fav right now. Holy frig.

I need a hair cut.




Because none of it was ever worth the risk;
you are the only excpetion

Best week of the year, always.

My goodness, it's been awhile. I am home from my family reunion! It seriously was such a beautiful week. We had the best weather, and I love my family so so so so much. It also meant a lot to have Kj there this year. We certainly got stared at a fair bit. I think my family likes to see me happy. Ah, I love them. I wish I wasn't home, as bad as that sounds. I wish it lasted longer. It was just beautiful. We did a lot of stuff, went into town, went on hikes, swam lots. I did the biggest fail of my life, and was walking on the logs and fell down doing the splits. Lets just say I have some very purple bruises in places you should never have to have them. Good lord. Despite that, I had an amazing week.

On anther note, you need to go home.

It is June 30th...

And I got my learners! HAHA. Finally. After being able to get it for 6 years, no big deal. But atleast I finally have it.

Went to the zoo today, it was fun. Not sure it was worth 19 dollars though. I can't decide.

I have so much to do tomorrow.

That's really all I have to say. :)

Oh Mr. Sun

I love sun.
I love tanning in the sun.
I love Tehillah, and live CD recordings.
I love ET.
I love Jesus.
I love the song "Find Your Love" by Drake.
I can't wait for the zoo tomorrow.
I can't wait for Sylvan lake on Thursday.
I can't wait for youth on Friday.

I CANNOT wait to leave for my family reunion on Sunday! AIEEEEE.

She just wanna dance

The last couple of days have been fabulous, despite my official deciding to quit my job. I haven't quit yet, I am going to try and find a new one first. I'll have to suck it up until then. Unless I just can't take it anymore, which could very well happen too.

ANYWAY. Friday I worked, and then Tammy and Breanna were having this little party/shindig so Kaleigh, Tanya and I went. It was so much fun and we didn't even do anything! We just took silly pictures and watched everyone play flip cup and beer pong. And we laughed a lot too, because seriously those people are so funny. Paige and Breanna maaaaake my life. Then yesterday I had to work all day which I did NOT enjoy until the very end because I love the people I work with. I was so frustrated by the end of the night that I needed to vent, so I called up my BFFF'S4LYFE and we walked to Timmy's and sat in there and busted a tit the whole time. Oh gosh, we were being so dumb and it was hilarious. LOVE IT. Then Kaleigh went home 'cause her aunt was in from Ontario but Jenny and Tanya came over and we played rock band and then had an INTENSE conversation about life. About everything. We stayed up until 3am talking. It was crazy, but so, so so good. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that good. And then today! Church, which was of course lovely. And we (Jenny, Tanya and I) were supposed to go to Sikome but it's still closed, so we ended up driving around the city for an hour and then went to Prairie Winds and just soaked up the sun. And ate. It was fantastic! I have had so much fun with them. I love you three.

I can't believe the lake is only 7 days away, AIIIEEEEEE. I am so excited that I can't handle it.
I hope this week goes by fast.

Tomorrow Breanna and I start our 5 day a week gym plan. But it kind of fails because we can only go 4 days this week because she leaves on Friday. Then I leave on Sunday, so we can't start it up again until I get home the week after that. BUT, atleast we are set on it. I really want to get healthy/lose some weight. I really need to.

I am so tired from being out in the sun all day. It drains you, guys! Right now I am doing some mad laundry/ clean up of my room because it's a disaster. What else is new. After that I am just going to be really lazy and go to sleep early so I can get up for the gym in the morning.

Mmmm, life. No big deal! <3

I've got a wish

Today was lovely! I finished Part B of my diploma, and that is a relief. Finally I don't have any more school work to do, until September! Anyway, and then I got home and did a little tanning. I conned Kj (except not really, he was perfectly willing) into hanging out and he came over and we went to Prairie Winds with mom and Alex. It was so hot! But it was neat just relaxing and hangin'. Once we got home we decided to be lazy until supper, and I tickled Kj for like 2378473 years and it was soooo funny. I was laughing so hard at his laugh, it was the cutest laughing ever. My goodness. And he made my bed for me because I was too lazy. What a guy. :) We went for a bike ride after supper, had to go fill up my tires, and Kj did it for me because I fail at it! It was cute! It rained part of the way home, and I almost ran into a bench, no big deal. Then he went home. But we had a cuuuuuute goodbye tonight. I need more of those, they are my favorite.

He's my favorite. I love you baby.

Whadddup, Toy Story 3?!

BEST MOVIE EVER. TOY STORY 3. HOLY CRAP. SO FUNNY.
I was like belly laughing the whole thing. It was so, so so so good.
That`s forsure the best movie out of the three.

I also loved tonight.
Tanya, Kj and I sat in the car outside of Kj`s house for two entire hours just talking.
We once again spent 34783924 years talking about our dating history.
Kj and I were meant to be together. It`s just as simple as that. Haha. I love it.

And I love you guys, too.

Got Jesus?

SO GOOD, you guys. So good.


Today was neat. I went out for coffee with Steph, and bought raspberries and matching plants for Kj and I! I was joking with him that these are our first plants together and that he should be excited. We are even going to name them. I am excited! Haha! Also, I love him. Incase that wasn't already evident.

Tehillah was really good tonight, too. It was a reflection night forsure.

Here are a couple of other pictures from the March for Jesus.

I am really quite sleepy, so imma go to bed.

PS. MUST SEE TOY STORY 3 ASAP.

March for a little somethin' somethin' called GOD.

Miley Cyrus is so pretty, and has the body I want, and it is really depressing. :( Like I know I am supposed to just love myself for who I am, but this has always been a struggle, and it makes me so sad. I just feel so bad about myself after watching her at the MMVA'S. Like, go home. I just want to feel good and confident about my body and myself like she is. And I don't feel that.



March for Jesus. Absolutely incredible. It was a huge turn out, I am sure there were atleast 1000. Maybe even more. I would not be surprised. But we all just screaming and loving God. At one point everyone was just chanting "God Saves" and it pretty much made me cry. It was one of those shivers up the body moments. It was SO good. I can't wait until next year to do it. Will upload a picture or two once Chelsea has put them on Facebook.



I miss my man. I hope I get to see him SOON.

I found myself in You

I cannot wait for the March for Jesus on Sunday. Only like a day and a half away. I seriously have not been so excited for something in forever. I am going to pray so hard for people to just flood in, and for the gates of heaven to just be opened up to people. I have such a good feeling about this. I am beyond excited. This is going to be WOW.

Today has been such a productive day! I got up, and went out for brunch with Stephanie at eleven. We ate at Phil's, and it was lovely. Then we went over to Lei's house and took his dog Spirit for a walk. Finally, my mom picked me up and we went pant shopping with Alex because I told him he was not allowed to wear the jeans he has anymore. They were like 453243y inches too short for him. Found a pair! As soon as I got home from that, Tanya picked me up so we could go to the alteration place because she didn't want to go by herself. Afterwards, we just waked around the mall and SOMEHOW I ended up spending money that I wasn't planning on spending. How this always happens is beyond me. Then when I got home, I had enough time to change again, spent like ten minutes on the computer, and then rode my bike over to youth.

It was so good! We did a bible study on intimate relationships with God. The kids are so cute because they haven't really spiritually matured yet, so they are quiet. So a lot of the time Sheldon, Greg and I were explaining stuff. It was really neat to be able to have enough knowledge to really speak out and feel confident that I was saying the right thing. I love these kids, even though I barely know them. Stephanie called me a "tentative leader" but I am thinking about becoming a an actual one. I feel called to it, all of a sudden. Just working with kids, young adults. I really want to become a part of it, and I am so excited. And Greg was talking about starting an actual worship service every once in awhile, and I really want to be a part of that. Whether it's singing, or playing an instrument, or whatever. But I want to actively be involved. I really do. And I guess if God wants it for me, He will make it happen. I am going to start praying about it.

I've had an abnormally productive day. It feels good, though. I just want tomorrow to be over so it can be Sunday. I don't care if no one else is going, I am. I don't want to miss this.

God's amazing. Really.

Yeah, and this is why I believe in God.

So, no big deal. Talked to Kj on the phone for 2 and a half hours. I actually didnt believe him when he said it. It didn't feel like it. The first hour was bad, and I just kept crying. But by the end of it I was coming out with crazy revelations about what happened to me last night and I probably experienced every emotion possible in one conversation. And then we just talked about random/normal stuff. It was good. I feel at peace again. Thank you, Jesus. I love youuuuu. That was fricking crazy. HOLY. SO GOOD. I love that I can go from feeling that I have no faith or hope, and then two seconds later I am hit with this crazy burst of joy and love. But seriously? The next time you want me to get a slap in the face, can we please not make it seem like I am about to become the next victim of the fourth kind with the mummy mouths? That would be fantastic.

Oh, and Kj, I love you, too.
I like us. And thank you.

PS. Im enjoying the fact this is my third blog of the day.

It smells like fish tank everywhere in my house.

I like that Tony and my brother were the ones to make me smile the most today. It's kind of neat that they are both people that I didn't expect that to happen from. Tony hugged me twice today because I felt sick and was down! He is so cute, and I love him! He is one of those people that I feel like I have known forever. And I think we kind of connect better then he does with the other people that work at UB. Other than maybe Sarah. He really makes me smile, and I like that about him. And ALEX, of all people, decided to not be a twit for once and we have been joking around and busting a tit laughing since I got home. I think that now he is getting older our relationship will be better, and I am excited for it. I told him I am taking him shopping tomorrow whether he likes it or not because I refuse to let him wear the jeans he is currently wearing. Good Lord.

If it wasn't already evident, I got off work early. And I am happy about that. I am going to go play rockband with Alex while I wait for Kj to call me, because he said he would. Hope he does, love that guy.

Is it possible that i've gone crazy?

So... Last night I kind of went crazy for a couple of hours. I decided that I needed to break up with Kj because he will eventually find someone better anyway, and I wanted to walk away from God. Which, in reality, I don't want to do. It was so scary. I felt out of control. I wish I could explain my thought proccess over this blog, but it's so hard to explain. It will be hard to explain even in person. I was just already feeling down, and then, I dont know. It was like an enemy was in me. Perhaps that's what it was. It was a horribly rough night. I've never experienced anything like that before. I think the best comparison I have to it is what it would like to maybe have depression? Maybe? That would be awful to have on a regular basis. I am still really unstable from it. I feel better, and I no longer want to dump my boyfriend, or pretend that God doesn't exist. But I still feel... uneasy. I think I am scared it's going to happen again. UGH, SO CONFUSED. God, help please? Your silent treatment is driving me mental. I need something. :(

I am supposed to work from 1 until 10 today. I hope they let me go home early. Gah.
I hope I recover from this really soon. I enjoy being happy a lot more.

Can't find the words to say.

I am having a crappy day.

I feel so off, and down. I really don't even know why. I'm so frustrated with work. I want to quit, but it feels like home at the same time and I like to be in a comfort zone. I don't want to start all over, not when I have been there for almost two years. I don't know what to do, and I am afraid to talk to my boss because I hate confrontation. Urban Behaviour doesn't make me happy. The people do. Some of them, anyway. And God's been like, "Hey Amy I'm giving you the silent treatment today". Just kidding, but I just feel dry in that aspect. At the same time, though, I honestly don't feel like pressing in to change it. I don't have th energy. I really just want to cuddle up with my boyfriend. :( But I suppose I will just crawl into bed and watch movies for the evening. I really don't know why I feel so off. I just kind of feel like crying. Actually, just kidding. I am pretty sure I am going to start right now. I think my job is really getting to me. It would be so hard to quit. I don't know what to do.

Obssessed with the "One Life Stand" song. I have been listening to it on repeat since I got off work.

I had this friend.

I used to be best friends with this girl named Kayla. Well, there was actually five of us. We had our own little group; our own little world. Throughout our years of friendship, there was a lot of fights, a lot of drama, a lot of lying. Eventually ties were cut between her and I. And I guess, cut between her and all of us. We all stopped being her friend at basically the same time. I tried to be nice and stay civil because I didn't want any hurt at the end. But I think I did anyway. And I think a big regret of mine is cutting ties the way I did. Even though there were no words exchanged between us, even though it didnt end in a fight, it didn't end properly either. We just stopped talking, and all of a sudden there was a hate between us. Even though I didn't hate her, and I never will. And then a few months ago, I got this message from her mom telling me to back off and delete pictures with bad comments on facebook. I hadn't even said anything, nor had I stopped being friends with her for the reason her mom said I had.

I've done a lot of changing in the past year since Highschool ended. And lately I have been thinking about Kayla more and more. I know that she has not only blocked me, but the other three girls from Facebook so that we can't look her up or see her at all. That makes me sad. It hurts me, because I know I must have hurt her a lot in order for her to do that. I wish that I could have the chance to apologize for all of things that happened between us. I definitely don't think it was just my fault, because it wasn't. But if I had the chance to put things right and talk to her, I would. I still remember her laugh, and how silly she was. More than anything, I remember that she needed a friend. She always was struggling within herself. I hope that now she has been released from that. I really hope the best for her. And maybe God will give me the opportunity to connect with her again some day.

I wanna dance in the lights.

You know that feeling when you keep your hair up in a ponytail too long? And your scalp hurts like a mother? I have that feeling right now, and it's driving me mental. Probably doesn't help that yesterday I was too lazy to shower. I guess I should do that now. I am glad that my part A of my diploma is over. So dumb, this is now the third time I have written a Social diploma exam. Like, really? I need to get on with my life.

I am actually starting to get really excited for school. I really did not think it was going to happen. And then all of a sudden I was accepted and there were classes that looked so interesting. And here I am, only three months away from it. I am so excited to start learning again. I feel like I am in a much better place to be able to learn and do the work properly. Because before I just never cared. School was last on my priority list. I feel that starting to change now, and it's such a good feeling.

I can't believe it's only 19 days until the Lake. I can't even deal with my life I am so excited. And there are only 73 more days until the girls and I go see Lady Gaga. UM, EXCITEMENT. I can't wait to go to Value Village and find outrageous costumes (which, do NOT include bird cages. Kj seems to think that I am going to be wearing one on my head. Not happening) to wear to the concert. I also am really excited to just have some serious girl time. It's going to be good.

I am obsessed with dance music right now. I just want to dance every second of my life. And speaking of obssessed, I rediscovered twitter yesterday. This evidently will not be good for my mental health. I am already a Facebook addict. And a status update addict for that matter. Whatever! I feel that I am becoming addicted to blogspot again. Which is not bad. Because I LOVE looking back on entries from months ago and seeing the changes. It is the neatest thing to be able to look back on. Oh, memories.

Yesterday I went on the computer computer in the basement, and was looking at all of the pictures from there. There are some on there dating from 2006. There are so many memories from those pictures. Wow, it just blew my mind. I had forgotten.

Today I feel like being really lazy. I really, really hope mom decides to buy little ceasers pizza for supper. I wannnnnnit. I am craving.

Hey, you?

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

You act like you just saw a ghost.

Well, this new template business is pretty neat! I enjoyed taking 347543 years to find the right background. And it will probably change in a week, anyway. I like to change things up.

I've decided that this blog needs a new direction. Well, not really a new direction. I think I just need to look at it more like a public diary. Which... is kind of redundant. Who cares! I am just going to write what I think. I am going stop leaving mystery messages to people or put secret things hoping some one will realize what I am saying. I do that too much. If I feel like I need to say it, I am just going to write it (unless there is a specific reason why I can't) how it is. I also feel that I need to start writing more in here. I haven't been. I need to be true to myself. Last night I realized that I am trying too hard to be someone I'm not. I am trying too hard to say the right things in order to create an effect on people. And that needs to stop. I'm not going to try and be better or say better things to make me seem... Well, whatever it was I was trying to seem. I don't know why I do that to myself. I'm done with it. And along with that, I am done doing that in my every day life, too. I need to spend more time listening and observing. I need to be who I am. The reserves I put on things are in place for a reason. I have to feel confident in who I am and what I portray to the world. And most importantly to the people I love. And I don't think I have been true to that. That ends now.

So, hay. I'm 19 years old. I am going to be starting University in the fall, but I am only taking Open Studies right now because I don't know what I want to be. I believe in GOD. I am a devout christian, and Jesus is the biggest and most important thing in my life. I love him. If you don't like that, then don't read this blog. You'll hear a lot about it. I can't make decisions, and I am really loud. Sometimes I have insight about things that I don't really understand where or how it comes. Other than from God. I am a really, really loving person. I always am looking at the best of people, rather than their flaws. I don't have the capacity to hate, or even fight for that matter. I probably have the weirdest dreams out of anyone I know, and my imagination can go to extremities. Both good and bad. I am so silly sometimes that you could easily think I have a problem. It is so easy to connect with me. I have such a strong heart for not only the people around me, but for strangers I've never met. I am really passionate, and I have so much emotion pent up inside of me every second of my life. Sometimes I am too sarcastic. I have such a profound love for music and the ways it reaches and connects to people. I have a past that still burdens me. I care too much about what people think of me. I am always smiling. I think everyone is beautiful. I will always try to be positive even in the worst of situations. A lot of the things I have said above are all from changes in just the past year. And I live for no one except God.

I'll Never Be The Same

Holy crap.

That came out of nowhere.

Holy. I am overwhelmed.

I Hope You Don't Mind

I am kind of having one of those reflection days. You know when you get rolling on one thought about you past, and then that just brings on a whole new set? I am thinking about what my life would be like if I hadn't of moved to Calgary. But at the same time, I can't picture it because it goes back to that whole "everything happens for a reason" phrase. I don't believe it was coincidence, nor do I believe that it happened by a chance. It was fate. And it was fate because God made it so. I know that it is biased for me to say that to anyone who does not share the same belief. But, for me, personally. That is my truth. But I wonder why God chose this path for me. Why was I put here, in Calgary. Why was I given this family, or this group of friends? It is so weird to think that I could be anywhere and nowhere right now. My life, had God chosen it, could be of completely different circumstances. I could be in a far worse situation. I am so grateful for what I have been blessed with so far. But sometimes it is hard to look back and see all of the hurt and pain in the world, and not question why God has made it this way. Why, if he is in all powerful God, is he seemingly unable to rid the world of the pain? I guess because without suffering there would be no compassion. Or, because without pain and suffering there would be no room for hope or faith either. We were not set on this earth to waste our human life, regardless of whether or not we'll spend eternity in Heaven. We have to perservere always. We are constantly on a fence, wondering which way is right, and which way is wrong. God, you are so big. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with your presence, and what you have already done. Just, wow! I love how I completely went off topic. It's strange having days like this. And it's so peculiar how the human mind works. I am so fascinated by people and their behaviours and personalities.

I've just decided I am going to forget talking about my reflections, because my mind seems too ADD to talk about it.

I love my life, even through the obstacles.

I'm Defying Gravity

I'm sorry. But I can't do this anymore. I am sick of it.
It feels like this may be the beginning of an end.
I like how there was a whopping five whole people in class today. Lolz.
Get with the program, people.
God's the best thing that ever, ever happened to me.
I am at such a good place with myself and who I am. It's such a refreshing change.
Everybody always looks beautiful, everything always looks beautiful.
Everything is beautiful.
My heart and my mind's perspective is changing so much all the time.
OHHH SOOO NERVOUSSSS!!! Please, God, give me this chance.
I miss you. Only 34 more days until we start our next chapter. I am getting excited.

Great Is Your Name

I had a really wonderful day. But tonight hit me very hard. And some of the things we talked about did, too.

I have some thinking to do.

yep.

That was a bit of a punch right through the heart.

Neeeeeeat!

Oh hayyy, today is my one year anniversary.
And it's also eight weeks until Kj comes home.
I luhhh you.

Carry Out

/ It's been exactly nine weeks. 63 days. And to think, I used to complain when I hadn't seen him for 14 days. I miss you more than I can even put into words. Honestly.

/ Lord, let tonight be good.

/ I feel you in my bones, you're knockin' at my windows. You're slow to lettin' me go, and I know this feeling oh, so, this feeling in my bones.

/ And now the real work begins. I can do this!!!

/ Let's bring it back.

/ Cannot wait for summer.

Seriously?

Are you kidding me? Did that really happen tonight? After going MORE THAN A YEAR without a glance of you. And then all of a sudden having this super vivid dream of you like four nights ago. You show up to my best friends birthday, with whom you don't even talk to, to buy her a shot, stare at me for a couple of minutes, and then leave? What WAS that? You dont even have the balls to say hi, let alone make eye contact. Go home.

Peace

I am at absolute peace with myself again.

Let it rain
Let it rain
Would you open the floodgates of Heaven

I Was The Last To Know

I didn't realize it was possible for things to become any more confusing, but of course you were the one to succeed in proving me wrong. You can go home, too. I am going into hermit mode until further notice. Until I can fricking figure life out.

Oh Hey, Life? Stop Throwing Curveballs.

WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

1. I think it's amazing. But you are seriously wigging me out.
2. UGH. GO HOME.
3. I wish my boss would stop calling me pretty, or whatever, every single time she sees me. She doesnt do it to anyone else, and it makes me feel like she feels sorry for me and thats why she says it to me. And then I just feel worse about myself.
4. I don't understand.
5. I'm sorry, but I'm sick of this. The ball is in your park.
6. Can't wait for next Monday. Gonna be so good.
7. I need direction.
8. And strength.
9. I love you.

Attention.

And this, is why I love my boyfriend.


Amy Johnson February 20 at 10:54pm
I guess I already answered your question, lol.

I've been watching stupid romantic chick flicks with my mom tonight, which evidently was a bad idea. I'm sad tonight, because even though I get to talk to you all the time, and I get to see you, I dont get to be with you. And I miss you terribly.

Kj Munroe February 22 at 1:20pm
Awe, babe, that made my heart sink :(I know its hard, and it will be easier at other times, but you just have to know that you have a fantastic guy that will never leave you. I love you too much to even think other-wise. I know im not there with you, and i could probably say something really cheesy to make you feel better, but evidently im not there. I think about you all the time, not a day goes past that i dont think about you. Your my heart and i love you so much. Im so excited to come home and see you, and were just gonna be so strong. Plus, God has made it so much easier with everything.Just hold me close to your heart, and know that im yours because its true. I love you Amy

My Mistake

Oh dear. Not a good thing.

Oh Haaaaayyy... Or Not

Despite the few minor things that are immensly bugging me right now, I am not going to let them bug me any more than they have. I am not. Busy week, can you be over soon, please? This afternoon is the first time I've had time to actually breathe. And that's because I gave up going to the gym. I was too tired. Ennnnnnddd, now. Well, actually, you can end after Friday, 'cause I am looking forward to Thursday and Friday night. I still haven't made my bed. I should do that.

PS, last night was lovely lovely lovely!!!!!


I am so worried about you, please text us soon. And we love you.

Valentines Day.

I think that to an extent, a lot of people have a point when they say today is just a commercial day. I mean, really, if you love someone, you shouldn't need a specific day to pour out your feelings for them. If you feel a fire hot burning need to tell someone how much they mean to you, then you should just do it. It's not about the day. But regardless of that, I had a very lovely Valentines Day. Tonight was great. The four of us girls cooked dinner, and then us, plus Tony and Cody, and Michaela ate it. The food was great. The cake masterpiece that Kaleigh and I made was fabulous. And just in general, it was a good time to just chill with everyone. Parts of it were so so so funny! I love you guys very, very much. There was a moment when the four of us were standing in the kitchen and joking about something, and it was just one of those, "wow" moments. That after all of these years, we were all standing there in Kaleigh's kitchen, and still best friends. It's the coolest thing to me. And I wouldnt trade it for anything. The only part of today that was missing was Kj. But that is okay. I'm not sad about it, because I know there will be plenty of days after he comes home that we will probs be just as mushy as if it was Valentines Day. So that is something I can look forward to. But today definitely made me remember that there is a piece of me missing right now. And that piece is up in Malta. And I can't wait for it to come home. In a few months! Lol. I love you so, so much.

This membership course with Rockyview is going to be so good. Today was part one. I learned so much about the Church itself, and some of the technicalities and history behind it. And I met some really great people that are taking the class with me. I am so excited for it.

It's gonna be a busy week. AND, I need to stop eating junk now. Period! Time to get down to work.

Clothed In Rainbows

Tehillah just keeps getting better and better. Tonight was THE most intense service I have ever been to. I literally had to sit because my knees gave out, and everything just felt like jelly. I was so drunk in the Spirit. I couldn't even hold myself up, and I had to lean on Kaleigh. And then me and Katie just couldn't stop laughing because everything felt so light. LIKE, HOLY. Jesus you are so good. So so so good. The only thing is that I wish that I could share some of these experiences with Kj. BUT, there will still be so many more after he comes, because our walk with God is neverending. Oh my Gosh. And the message was all about love. Which is right up my alley. But it just made my heart literally swell up, more than ever before. And, I really loved spending some time with Kayla and Katie and Kaleigh tonight before Tehillah. Wow, three K's! But it was cool, and so good.

School tomorrow! I am excited! I only have one class this week because of Teachers conventions or whatever, but who cares. I am looking forward to it, and to work, and to life.

What more can I say!?

Kj, I love you so much. Coincidentally, because tonight made my heart open so much for everyone, it just swelled so much for you, too. I keep thinking and remembering so many memories, and I just feel so blessed to have you in my life. I am so blessed to be loved by you, because there is no one that could do it better (obviously other than God).
And that is just a fact that I know.




PS. You have come so far, that sometimes it's hard for my mind to wrap around it. I am so proud of you, and I hope you know that if you have questions or don't understand something, all you have to do is ask. Dont be afraid to open this part of yourself up to me. Press in. It excites me more than I could possibly put into words, and I love you so much.

You Hold Me Now

Oh my gosh. Words cannot describe how good Tehillah was this week.

Well?

1. I LOVE the song "You and Me" by Dave Matthews Band. It is so good.
2. My first class is on Tuesday. That, I am pretty excited for.
3. I need to go to Tehillah. God, I need you right now.
4. I forget how much I miss you until there is glimpse. I hope you come back into my life. I'd like you in it.
5. Maybe I was wrong about this.
6. I am sorry.
7. I miss you. Every day.
8. I don't think Taylor Swift should have won Album of the Year. I just don't.
9. Make. A. Decision. Amy.
10. I also love Three Days Grace, and that beautiful song, with Adam's beautiful voice.

Let It Rain

• Ah. Tehillah was wonderful tonight. I can't believe I went so long without going. I guess I wasn't in the right place with God before. But it just feels so good to be able to be myself and not have people judge me or wonder what the heck I'm doing. The Spirit was just so thick, I was getting shivers up my whole body. And Clay just really spoke out to me with his message. He was so passionate, as were his words. Life. So so so good. I am yours, God.
• Caramels are fabulous.
• I am watching The Devil Wears Prada for the third time since I bought it on Saturday. Fricking fantastic.
• Last night was lovely.
• I can't believe it's already almost tuesday. This week is going to go by fast, I think.
• I miss you. But it's not that familiar, "Oh I havent see you in two weeks, i miss you" feeling that is the usual. It's a legit, pit of the stomach feeling. I miss you. But I love what you are doing, and I am so glad you are there and serving the Lord. Love you, babe.

Sigh.

Okay. Today = not good. Please be over now.
Think im gonna have a good cry and then just get some sleep. Oohfta.

PS. No.

Run Along, Cold. I Don't Need You.

Okay, so no wonder I was having an off day yesterday. My body must have known I was just about to get sick. This cold needs to gtfo asap. I don't need you!

Tonight I got to see Chels one last time before she goes back to Bolivar, and it was really nice. I don't think we got to spend any time together to just talk while she has been on this winter break, which makes me a little sad. But better late then never, I guess. I think she is the first person I have ever been able to openly talk about that possibility with. She is also the first person to openly say how she felt about it, and it made me extremely grateful. That is the first time I got to actually want that, and feel that it was a good chance. And it made me so excited. I know that part of me has to remember that there is just as much of a chance of it not happening as there is. But thank you for what you said. It means more to me then you know. I love you, and I will miss you while you're gone! But time will fly, just like the first semester.

I'm defs excited for my date with Breanna tomorrow. We are going to get some cheescake, spend some time in Chapters, and then see a movie. I hope I am feeling better. That would be lovely!

PS. Note to self: I think it's finally time for a new job. Ugggghh!

UM, God? Help please?

It's weird that I haven't written in so long. Usually I write all the time. And a lot has been happening. I just.. haven't had the effort to sit down and write. The days have been going by equally slow and fast. During the day they seem to zip by, but by the very end of the day, I feel like it's been such a long day, which drags things along. It's a strange feeling. I think that I need to do something better with my life. Because right now, I am just existing. There are some good things, but I am starting to get sick of doing virtually nothing. I need to start upgrading, I need a full time job, or something. I need some direction.

I went out for breakfast with Steph today, which was nice because I haven't seen her since Kj left. But now that I have had a nap, I feel down. I don't really know why. I just feel sad right now. And that is also strange because I have been so positive lately. It's a weird day, I feel weird. Weird days can go home!

Calm Down Cowboy

I would like to dedicate this blog to how much I love dancing. BECAUSE IT'S A LOT.
Holy, last night was nuts. Why does it always get so busy at the Alley?
And I am pretty sure it's safe to say that I have never in my life had more guys attempt to grind on me, and/or slap my ass/ put there arms around my waist/ etc etc. Like, seriously? Go home. I ain't a piece of meat! Lolol.
No, but seriously.
And now we are going out again tonight! Thankfully it's not to the Alley again.
I'm not sure I could do two nights in a row of that place. Plus, my ears are still ringing.

ps. Yikes, that wasn't good. Ugh.
pps. I miss you.

On The Dancefloor

Aint looking for romance, mance, really just came to dance dance

Story.

Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.
Today I went and got my Library card. Immediately following, I went back into the Library because I wanted to get a couple of books to read. I started off in the Adult Fiction section. All of a sudden, my legs were taking me some place else. I was walking past the Non- fiction section, past the animals, plants, political studies... And then there was religion. And of course, I couldn't help myself. I went down the aisle... Then, my eyes passed over a book, and I stopped. I picked it up, and right away I knew it was a book that I was meant to read. That I needed to read. So, hardly even glancing at the back to see what it was about, I took it, as well as two other books, and got them. I started the book. It's called "Story" and it's by a man named Steven James. And now, I am done it. I read it from start to finish in one sitting. Two hundred pages, three hours. It was unbelievable. It just spoke to me in such a way that I couldn't put it down. I physically could not. I was so interested that I had to keep reading. I love when books do that, I love it with such a passion. But the way this guy told his story, and intertwined it with all of our stories, jesus' story. Just... Wow. I can hardly wrap my head around it. In some parts, it was like he was talking about the story of my life. I could relate to so many parts of it. And within the story, he used humor and a modernized way of explaining the more complicated aspects of living a vegabond life, and of Christianity and the stories from the bible in general. Like, it was just fricking fantastic. I am going to find this book and buy it, so I can read it whenever I want. It is just filled with so much personal insight and wonderment. AH. So good. He also incorporates personal poems of his that are just so raw. They literally caught my breath. And holy... It was just wonderful. He went through the beginning of the world, and then through the birth of Jesus, and the death and rising of him. OH my goodness. I can't even describe it. And it helps. He relates his own troubles of being tempted and not wanting to give up his life for one like a vegabond. He is honest and explains so well. But in the end, it all comes down to making the choice. Just WOW.

"God's silence offers us the choice- faith or sight. We can either abandon our faith or learn to trust in the dark. God leaves that choice up to us. And all the while he's more interested in our faith in him that our ability to dechipher his silences."

"When you listen to a song, you only hear the harmony because of the emptiness between the notes. If the song is too full of notes, it becomes nothing but noise. It's like each note is a pearl upon a necklace and the silences are what strings them all together.

Maybe God knows that without his silences in our lives, we will never hear the melody of faith."

According To You

My goodness! I have the next four days off. HOWEVER, I have a busy weekend coming up. So far this week has gone by pretty fast, considering Kj leaving and everything. Tomorrow I am going to buy a Library card, because I miss reading ALLL the time. I'm super excited! It will be nice to be able to take books out and read in my spare time, instead of doing something much less productive. Tanya and I were discussing how I stopped using my card in the tenth grade because all of a sudden boys were taken as the priority. Which is kinda funny, LOL. Mah bad. Good thing Kj is gone. ;) ANYWAYS. Friday night the girls and I are going out to the Alley to dancedancedance. On saturday I am pretty sure I am going to go get my gym membership, so I can start on that. I have been doing really good with eating well. Then our second night of dancing at the Roadhouse. NEAT. I am gonna be really tired out.

Then Sunday, church. So excited to continue talking about the Trinity. Sooooo interesting.
Love it. GOD, YOU ARE FANTASTIC.

I am excited!

Eleanor Powell

'Cause our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
with wisdom, power and love
our God is an awesome God

"What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God."

ps. So close to finishing the entire New Testiment for the first time! Excited!

Mighty To Save

First of all, would just like to say that yesterday was wonderful, despite how mother eff cold it was. Everything felt back to normal, and good. And it was just lovely.

What an odd day. I mean, I guess it's all relative. It was just an odd day because it... Well, it's hard to explain. I don't really feel like typing it all out just so I can look back at this particular blog months from now and remember. That's the reason I write any of these blogs. But God was definitely with me this afternoon. He was working in me in a very strange way today. I think that I am going to have to really pay attention. He has something for me, something that I need to do... I just need to figure out what it is. FRIG lord, could ya like be a little more clear or something? Just keeeeeding, take all the time you waaant! Ya nasty.

Saw Nine tonight. REALLY enjoyed this movie! All of the actors did a really terrific job. And the musical numbers were very neat, and very well done!

I'm sad again tonight. My hands smell like pears and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. But that is besides the point. I think I would almost rather do my wallowing now, so then when Kj leaves I can just pick up and start my new routine. I think that would be easier then pretending it's all fine, and then falling apart a week after he leaves. I mean, either way, falling apart (if only for awhile) its unfortunately inveitable. I wish I didn't have to, though. I wish I could be strong enough to not let it phase me. But how can I? This is somebody that I have been close with for over two years now, that I have spent almost every day of my life in contact with since knowing him. How can you not miss your best friend who also happens to be your boyfriend, and the love of your life? It's impossible. And I think what is most daunting to me is when I remember how long it's for. That's what I let get to me. I mean, yeah, we have a very, very strong and stable relationship. Im not so worried about us not being able to get through it. I'll just miss him.

But I am so incredibly proud of him. I've done what I can to show him that, and to support him. I hope he knows it, im sure he does. I feel so conflicted with emotion sometimes, because part of me is seriously like jumping on the inside for him. It is going to be such a fantastic experience in every way. And God is just going to bless everyone so much. I am so excited for him to begin this journey. And it all begins in 4 days. In four days he will get to see the world in a way he has never before. And its going to be tough for him and for all of Lifeforce emotionally and mentally. But the cool thing is, is that they all are they for one purpose. And thats to serve God! They all have such a strong support system, and that's really good. It is going to be wonderful. I can't wait to hear about all of the experiences, and what is going on! It is going to be so fascinating. When I write this and think about it, it makes me not as sad anymore. It makes me happy, because I know he is. That's what matters to me. That he is doing what makes him happy, and what he wants. This is months of preparation mentally, phyiscally, emotionally and spiritually about to come to life. This is life.

Frig! Look what happens when you fall in love with someone. You get all gushy and emotional, and its just ridiculous!

I Like to Eat Eat Eat, Apples and Banana's

I really should be going to bed, but there is so much on my mind!
Luckily, I came to a conclusion today that has been making me feel much better about things.
It doesn't stop the other feeling I have completely, but it subsides the panic.
I am very excited for the Banff trip tomorrow with those girls that I love.
And I have to be up in like eight hours for that nonsense.
Goodness.

Thanks be to God.
Goodnight, everyone.

Well...

It makes me feel sick,
sick to my stomach.

Beginning 2010.

It has been a whirlwind the last week. Everything has been very fast, and wonderful.

You know, I honestly couldn't even believe it when it was New Years eve on Thursday night. It didn't even feel like it. And then the countdown started, and all of a sudden everything hit. I could just feel my mind racing through the year. And what a year it was. Last year changed my life, in every way possible. At the end of 2008 I was positive that last year would bring nothing good. I was positive that things were never going to get better, because I was a mess. I'm pretty sure I couldn't have been more wrong. There has been a lot of good, some bad, and more than anything, memories that I will never trade the world for. All I can really do is sit back, and think, "wow." That word pretty much sums it all up. It's actually making me cry. And God showed me the way. It took awhile, but I finally came to. I have so many wonderful memories, and moments that come to mind when I think about 2009. And now I can look back and say, now that was a good year. It was hard at times, there were mental and physical obstacles that were constantly there. But the difference is that I had the strength to pick myself up every time. I owe that to God. And I owe that also to the people that love me. What a year filled with revelations, experiences, and new beginnings. I had a wonderful time at Kj's. He just had a few of our friends over, and we did nothing special. I really couldn't have asked for a better New Years regardless. We didn't sleep like at all, and spent all night talking. Loved it.
Goodbye, 2009.

To start off the New Year, was a trip to Camrose. I was pretty positive by wednesday of last week that Kj was not going to be able to come. But then, he was! And I was super excited. Camrose has always meant a great deal to me. It was where I was born, where I spent my childhood growing up. And I couldn't wait to share it with Kj. And as it turns out, I had a fantastic time. We laughed so much on Friday. We were just so silly; we were being us. Kj got to meet a few of my family members, and I was impressed at how he was trying to get ahold of who they were and how they worked into my huge family. I was excited for them all to meet this wonderful guy of mine. We hung out with my two favorites from Camrose, and it was so nice to catch up with both of them. It's not until I go back to visit that I realize how much I love them, and how much I love that place, even though it is no longer what I call home. Today I got to spend a few moments with him in my favorite place ever. And we were silent, and even though it was freezing, it was a beautiful moment for me. And I was so happy. The last two days with Kj meant more than I think he knows, and I think, for me, it was the perfect way to start off 2010.