Sidenote: The weekend was fantastic. Snaz was lovely, and so was my UB work party.
I have had a couple of really crappy days. Well, today is not over yet. But yesterday was awful. First of all, I woke up to one of the worst self esteem days I've had in a very long time. This has not left yet. I'm sick of myself. I want to change it, but I am too lazy and that makes me really angry and upset with myself. For example, I'm sitting here right now eating chocolate when I could just as easily be eating cucumber. I worked yesterday and that went badly because of this one person I work with. I have tried and done so well with finding the good in everyone, and today I realized this is the first co worker ever that I haven't liked. I get a bad vibe, and they make me extremely uncomfortable. Plus, the way they talk and act is rude and vulgar. I don't like them, and I am going to talk to my manager and ask her to not schedule me with this person. That added a measurable amount of anger to my day. By the time Tehillah came around, I was having a rough time getting into worship because all of a sudden it hit me that I have not yet been able to forgive myself for the things I've done in my past that I regret now. I thought I had let these things go and I just layed it all down for God. I did do that, but I never really personally forgave myself. So right now I am having a lot of trouble coping with this. I know that I need to really let go, but the guilt is overwhelming. The sickness I feel in my stomach won't go away.
Needless to say, yesterday was really bad. Today has not been as bad. I am better in the sense that it's easier to smile and laugh. I am not, however, any better on the inside. I feel like I'm fighting a major internal battle with myself. I am trying really hard to come to terms with everything and move on. But I feel like it's going to take a little time. Today I was supposed to work, but I called in and even though I couldn't get anyone to cover my shift, they let me stay home because I started crying on the phone. I am feeling a little overwhelmed just simply for the fact that I have been very busy and haven't been able to stay on top of all my reading and note taking. I am going to take this evening to get as much of that done as I can so I can focus on my two essays due next week. I am now curled up in my sweats and Kj's sweater (who has been an unstoppable force of support, mind you. Steph, too.) and once I am done this blog, I am going to start on my Sociology. Then, tonight I am going to watch Glee which hopefully will cheer me up (and I'm sure it will because its the Britney Spears episode) and then I will go to bed. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I have faith.
I also need to go to the doctor for a few medical reasons that are really starting to bother me. Oh, and did I mention that on top of that all, I also am right in the middle of my period? Yup.
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