I Love Meryl Streep

It's been a busy couple of days. Christmas was wonderful of course. I took some time to reflect what Christmas is really about, which is obviously the story of Jesus' birth. I think I honestly can say that I have never really acknowledged the real story before. I got some neat gifts; more than I actually needed or expected. Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunty Laura came over for Christmas dinner, and it was super nice. Dad finally told them about my going to Church at Rockyview, and how him and Alex were not far along to join me. From what I was actually told, they seemed to take it well. So, who am I to complain? I guess I was being a little silly, because I shouldn't care what they think. I am happy with where I am going, and my life. But they seemed content with the fact that I am, infact, attending Church from my own free will. And, I guess they should be. I think they are still worried about my dad. I think there are things he has done in his past that I don't, nor will I ever know about. On one hand, I am curious. On the other, I think I would probably rather not know.

Grandma and Grandpa told me about their trip to Jeruslam with Aunty Laura and Uncle Daniel. I was so intrigued, and I thought it was so neat. I have decided that some day, I am going to go to Jersulam. There would be SO many neat places to go, and so so so much history of Jesus and the bible. It would be such an incredible spiritual experience. I am going to go! Someday, it will happen.

Today actually went a heck of a lot better than I was expecting. When I got into work, all I could think about was whether or not I was going to make it through the day without wanting to blow my own head off. Luckily, it went by fast. We passed time by cleaning table after table, dancing through the crowds of people, and eating junk food! It was good, even though it was a long day.

I am looking forward to this week.

Birthday = Perfection

I had the perfect birthday.

I sort of ended up seperating them into part A,B,C, and D. And at the end of each one, only one word came to mind: Perfect. It was wonderful. I had Tanya and Kj over when the clock struck twelve to begin my birthday, and we had the best time on youtube watching retarded game show videos. Then I slept for like seven hours, and got up, cleaned ma room, and did some laundry. Breanna came over and we talked, and then Tanya picked us up and we went for Wendy's and to Sunridge. We went home, and I got ready for my Birthday dinner. I got a couple of other presents, and Kj's present which I will talk about in a second. It was SO nice to have everyone together and to be able to catch up and just talk and laugh. We spent literally three hours at Boston Pizza. It was neat! Thanks to Nicole, we had a limo pick us up and take us to cowboys and then we danced danced danced the night away. It took us like 26732234 years to actually leave cowboys though because the coat check girl failed. I felt bad for her, though. Then it was chaos getting into cabs, but finally it all worked out. So, by the time I got home, I was exhausted. And could not have possibly been any happier. LOVE you guys!

My boyfriend and I got eachother the exact same christmas present. The same frame and everything. Same brain? I think so. It was super cute. I like the pictures Kj put in mine more than the pictures I put in his, so he can change those up if he wants to. And then, at the bottom of this bag I see this tiny box. And the first thing I think is, what on earth is possibly small enough to fit in a box like that? But my hands start shaking, and I look at him for like a millisecond, and I know this is important. So I open it, and what do I find? Yeah, it was a ring. My goodness. I immediately blush so hard, that i'm pretty sure my face probs looked like a tomato. Not that Kj would have seen that, because I couldnt look at him at first. I knew that if I did, I would burst into tears. I had to force myself not to cry, but I don't think tears were needed for him to see how happy I was. Kj explained to me that it was his mom's old ring (I love his mom. I love her. She is fantastic.) and that they talked about it for awhile and he decided it was something he wanted to give to me. It's simply to solidify our relationship. It's a promise that everything will be okay when he gets home. And I was just speechless, and completely overwhelmed. I have never been given something so meaningful, ever. I just... it's perfect. The ring is beautiful. And I know that at the end of the day, I'm still his only. And it will still be like that when he comes home in May.

And everything is perfect just like that. I don't even have any more words. I love you, so much.
Thank you.

Busy, Busy, Busy

It's been a pretty crazy week since I last wrote. Even though it hasn't been quite a week. Who cares.

• Friday I had to work all day, and it started off with a really bad day. I was bummed out 'cause I couldn't do the outreach and spread God's love with Kj and Steph and everyone else. But I soon realized that I had another purpose that night, and so that was defs cool and I embraced it as much as I felt I could.
• Saturday was Kj's Open House. It was super neat. I got to see Chels! And she gave me a SNUGGIE for a Christmas present. I was like, fantastic! Good stuff. I think my favorite part was just turning the music up full blast and dancing in Kj's basement. And both his parents were drunk and they made me dance with them even when no one else was. My goodness. I love his parents.
• Sunday was lovely. Alex and dad came to Church. ALEX AND DAD, YES. I was so excited. I couldn't believe they wanted to come, but as if I was going to complain. And they both liked it. I had a feeling they would. It was a turning point. Then that evening I had my staff Christmas party, and Kj came too. I was glad to be able to show Kj the people I work with and have fun with them. And it made me want to go out dancing so bad, BUT, that will have to wait one more day.
• Yesterday I was supposed to go shopping with Jenny. But she got sick, poor thing. I went with Kaleigh to her bank, and then she bought me a red dress for my birthday present. NEAT. Then Kj came over, and we had to go early to sit at the Olive Garden and wait for the rest of my family. It wasnt even busy, go figure. It was a really good night. Kj and I were seriously constantly laughing.
• I think God set up the talk Kj and I had last night. Perhaps it was for my benefit, but who really knows. I know that I needed it. Kj leaves in less than three weeks now. I was having so much trouble wrapping my head around it, and when I did, all I could do was cry. And last night when we were chilling and he was being cute, what did I do? Yes, I started to cry. HOWEVER, I did a friggen good job of hiding it. Anyway. It was hard. It is going to be hard. And I am scared. Mostly, I am scared to say goodbye. But at the same time, I think I'm ready for it. And I am super super super excited for Kj. This is going to be such an amazing experience for him. I will be able to do a lot of focusing on me and my life, and God. And when he comes home, it's up to the both of us to make it work. I think we can probs do it. :) That guy is mine, and I love him.
• Dad told us a really neat story about Rick. It actually blew my mind. I really hope that Rick can get his life together.
• The time has come, to put my strength to the test.
• My birthday is tomorrow! WOW.

Being Alive

When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just
to know you're alive.

Well... I am feeling sort of odd tonight. I am in a weird mood. I feel really happy on one side, because, well just LIFE. Life is good. But there is an ache in my heart that my brain is not really processing. I think that I am thinking too much. I need to just be. I can't believe my birthday is in 6 days. I am getting so old. I have a very busy week ahead of me, with A LOT of celebrating. Celebrations for my birthday, and for Christmas, and most importantly, for the birth date of God! But my goodness, I feel like I am getting old. Time has certainly caught up with me. Actually, no - No, it just keeps running. I can't believe it's almost the start of a new year. I can't believe Kj leaves in less than a month. Its our nine month today, even though I dont really know why we even go by this anniversary anymore, when clearly we have been together since the dawn of time. Just kidding, but still. Holy. It is time to start making some decisions about where I am going to go next with my life. But I seem to be having trouble making them, and I know exactly why. I must work on that.

Oh boy. I feel like spontaneously combusting. I feel so alive, and yet there is a nagging. I feel like i'm on the brink of a huge change. Which, for obvious reasons I am. But it is more than that. I can just feel it. I guess I need to pray about it. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. I feel off right now, but I need to let it out somehow. Thus, the rambling. I think maybe I need a hug or something. I don't know. I don't know about anything right now - Except God. Because he is the consistancy in my life that I desperately crave for and need . I don't really have it anywhere else. Well, that is not true. In a few places, I do. But sometimes it's not where I really need it to be. I need Him now, more than ever. I need His strength, I need His direction. I need consistance. I think that is perhaps, a huge inner problem of mine. I have been struggling with keeping something, anything consistant my life since I was a child. From situations, to hobbies, to academics, to people. Or maybe it's them being consistant with me. I don't even know what I am trying to say. I don't understand why my brain does this. It always over thinks to such an uneccesary level. Over analyzes. But I think I am having a realization. I have never had anything consistant in my life. The good things are always changing, leaving, falling apart, becoming unimportant (except obvs my family and few friends). And I mean, of course to an extent that is life. Those things will happen. I think maybe it has happened so many times that it has caught up with me. But God won't. He will ALWAYS be there. He is unchanging, incorruptible, unfathomable, undying in His love. He won't ever leave, or go away, or change unless I am the one to will him away. Lord, I need your consistancy. More than anything in my life ever before, I need this to keep me strong.

I think I need to cry, but the tears aren't really coming out. So I think I am just going to try and calm myself down in a different way. Or else, I will wait for the tears to finally come. Because sooner or later, everybody needs an escape. God is my escape. My friends are my escape. But tears - Well, they are my physical escape.

Take it All

"For once you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord." Ephesians 5:8

O Holy Night

It is ten days until my birthday. I am excited to spend time with my friends.
It is twelve days until Christmas. Twelve days until Jesus' birthday!
Friday night was so funny, up until Tanya started puking.
We went to Cross Iron, and jammed in the car. I got some yummy icecream.
And then Tanya took the wrong way, and we were on our way to Red Deer.
Luckily, we got that corrected.
Then we went and got pizza and headed back to the house.
SO FUNNY. And then Tanya had to go and give herself alcohol poisoning.
And even then, there was funny moments there. I think she learned her lesson.
I have missed those girls nights. We need to start having them again.
More often. Minus the out of control alcohol drinking, LADIES. ;)
Saturday I worked the dumbest shift of my life, but it was fun with Olivia there.
I love her.
And then in the evening, I headed over to Kj's. We just chilled out and talked.
I have not grown, by the way. We checked! So, go home.
Then Steph came. Eventually Kj's parents came back from their Christmas party.
So we talked with Darlene for like a million hours.
It was really nice.
Found out something pretty cute, plus funny. My goodness.
I am excited.
Church, was of course, fantastic. Some of the songs were so full of energy.
It was such a wonderful feeling, and thick with the Spirit. So good.
It made my heart and my soul feel peaceful.
I want a baby. :( Right this second.
I am so excited to be a mom, and have a husband and a family.
I hope that I don't have to wait too many years for that. I know I'm only 19.
But still.
Today was a pretty laid back day, I got to have a nap.
Then mom and I made supper, and decorated the Christmas tree.
I made her listen to the same Christmas CD three times over.
The house finally looks like it is back in order. Mostly. Which is nice.
Lord, thank you. You know what for.

And now, a new week begins....

Secret #3

It's quite simple, really.
I'm head over heels for you.

I Am Good

He loves me.
They both do. :) !!!

I worked until 10:30 this evening,
and I work at 8 in the morning tomorrow.
Fan- friggen- tastic.

I need to do some Christmas shopping
And do a little life saving. I'm excited.

God has made me glad. I am happy.

Greater Things

I hope my strength rains down enough for this. I am scared.
I am scared.

Everything In Between

It's beginning to get easier. Just, everything. In general. I can't believe how much easier it is when I just ask to be graced with strength.

Today, I talked to mom about Curch. We talked a little about how forceful grandma and grandpa are, and how that's effected all of us as a family. And I told my mom that I am pretty sure that if I hadn't of had that forcefulness, I probably would have started going to to Church earlier on in life. But my grandparents just turned me off of it. Like they have my brother and father. I told mom how much better Rocky View is. I told her that I want to get involved, eventually I want to become a member of the Church. She told me that was my choice. And I could hear it in her voice that she was only partially okay with it. So I just told her that I thought she should know, because its an important part of my life now. And I told her that I want dad, and Alex to go. Because I know better than to ask her to go. She said very bluntly that she is not into "organized religion." But today helped me open up a little. It's the first step, so I'm glad.

Kj and I spent some time together finally. It's been nice to be able to see him more often than I expected, but it's still not quite the same because it's never time alone. I finally was able to tell him what I had been needing so desperately to talk to him about. It was hard. But I asked God to help me with my words. And he did. So I am really glad. And I hope that things can be different now. I really do, because it was hurting me so much. I love you. I hope that everything I said made sense. And then we just chilled, and it was really nice. Church this morning was good, I really related to the message this morning, and it just felt like a breath of fresh air.

I can't believe this friggen weather. LIKE, SERIOUSLY? It looks like we live in Alaska. I LOVED NEW MOON. So good. I am getting really excited for my birthday. And for Christmas. I love being filled with this joy. I hope the reno's are done soon. Mom is gonna lose it soon. Love it. I love my family.

My Heart Will Choose to Stay

Being sick is really rotten. It first of all, not only physically makes you feel uck, but it
puts you in a downer mood. So, that being said, tonight was another one of those nights. I was in a very dark mood. But a really neat thing happened. I was home alone, and I knew I needed Jesus. So I went upstairs, and turned off the TV, and all noise makers. The house was completely silent, so I just listened for a few minutes. And then I started to talk to God. At first I felt stupid, because I was talking outloud to myself, and then I remembered that we live through faith and not by sight. So I talked. I asked Jesus to listen and comfort. It was very emotional and I felt very overwhelmed. But I knew He was there, because everytime I asked a question, or asked if He could hear me, I would get goosebumps. Everytime I came to a conclusion, a right one, the goosebumps would be all over my body. And it only happened then, otherwise I felt really hot. I was honest, and confessed how I had been feeling about things, about situations. I let it all out. I asked for peace in my heart, because I felt I was too overwhelmed and crying. Then I got on my knees and prayed. I saw something out of the cornor of my eye, it looked almost like smoke, and it physically made me jump. Nothing was there, but seconds later, I had another full body goosebump moment. And then I started to smile again, and laugh. For no reason! And then I realized it was because the Spirit was deep within me, settling into my heart. And now I feel full of peace again. It was so neat. I love you, Lord. Thank you for all of the grace and salvation you have given me. You just prove to me over and over that you are infact, very much there. Through faith, through everything, I am yours.

Every blessing you pour out, I'll turn back into praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be your glorious name.

PS. DEFS EXCITED for mine and Tanya's date to New Moon tomorrow night, plus Tanya's mom making us a Hot Totty. Lol. Will be good. :)

SICKNESS, PLEASE GO HOME. Kthxbye.

Beside You

God, help me remember the right words you put in my head tonight. Please.
Also, please heal my knee.
Otherwise doctor tomorrow.
I can do this. Dont be afraid. I shouldnt have to be.
And the words you want are out of reach, but they've never been so loud.
Lunch date with Steph tomorrow, I'm excited.
AGH. God I love you.
I also love you.
My birthday is in 22 days.
I get paid tomorrow.
I'm sick of this pre- period emotional spurt I've been on. Definitely sick of crying.
No more please.