Yes.

I just gotta say, thank you.
Even at the end of the day, when no one else is there
You are.
And I can find peace in You.
You can stop the sobs I cry, and the hurt in my heart.
The one that I have complete trust in, and total faith.

"In me you may find peace. In this world you will have great trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Hello, Hello Baby

• Thursday evening was fantastic, even though the Awards Assembly was SO long. Sleeping over at Chels' was lovely. We got a chance to talk and just hang out. I DEFS missed my best friend.
• Friday Tanya and I got to go play in the snow! That was fun, even though it was seriously crazy icy outside
• GOT MY LAPTOP ON SATUDAY. My favorite part of that day, besides getting the laptop, was Steph just out of the blue telling me she loved me. I needed that so bad. Thank you. Satuday was not a very good day.
• Church today was, of course, fantastic. So good. Kj's friend Desiree got baptized, and it was so cool to watch. It made me so excited to continue my life with God, and to eventually get baptized as well.
• The photoshoot went very well! Got a few really good shots. Then we went to the Harley Davidson Diner, and the owner told me I might be able to take weddingg photo's for her sons wedding next august! SO NEAT. Im gonna practice new techniques and stuff. That would be so friggen neat.
• FSSHFSSHFSSHJKJKJKJKJKFSSHFSSH. OMGOSH. JK IS KJ BACKWARDS. ahahaha. kjkjkjkjkjkj.
• I need to either work on my confrontation skills, or learn to stop being a nutcase
• I'm excited for my birthday, and to spend it with people I love
• I love christmas carols
• I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE JESUS.
• It bothers me so much. Cant you just read my mind? It cant stay this way. Im trying, you know? Im trying...
• I looooove my laptop
• 'cause I'll be dancin...

Show Me Your Teeth

I am very quickly falling in love with Lady GaGa's new album. Even though a couple of the songs are really, really weird. I just love listening to her sing. My goodness.

Mom is driving me mental right now. It's really hard being who I am, and having her accept it. She doesnt understand. Last night she was pissed right off at me because I went for a walk, and was convinced I wasnt going by myself. When I kept telling her I was by myself, she then turned her tactic to, "Well, there must be something wrong if you are going for walks all by yourself at night" Im like, SERIOUSLY? Go home. People are allowed to go for walks by themselves, at night, without something being wrong. I JUST LIKE THE FRESH AIR, OKAY? Geez, lol.

It was SOOOO nice to hang out with Chels. It honestly doesnt feel like she had been gone for that long, but I know it felt different to her. I'm really greatful for the talk we had, it was so easy to be open and relate. Tonight I will see her again, because we are going to see Awards Night, 'cause Kj is getting an award (who I am oddly seeing a lot of lately, also. Not that i'm complaining). It should be good.

Church in three days! (GOD is FaaAAAAAAntastic!)
New photoshoot in three days! Lookin' forward to both.

Holy

I was having an off day right from the get go. The pent up emotion from last night, and the bad dream that was filled with Evil and Demons had taken a toll on me.

I dreamt that I was with what seemed to be a bunch of people from Lifeforce on Kj's team. It was supposed to be them, but it didn't look like them. Kj wasn't there, but I was. We were somewhere, not in Calgary. It felt like we were close to a body of water, but still I did not see any water. There was one girl, and a Demon went into her body. We were all standing on the street, and then she was on the ground, and her eyes were wide, and the Demon wouldn't get out. All of a sudden, I looked down, and there was a baby in my arms. The baby was Demon possessed. It was crying out in such an evil, but desperate way. All of us were walking, and it started to pour rain. The baby wouldn't stop crying. I wanted to set it down, because it was making me feel sick to my stomach, but I could not let it out of my arms. Then the rest of them were gone, and I was walking up a road with the baby by myself. I started to scream out to God, I wanted him to heal the baby. Everytime I screamed His name, the sky would flash with shapes, kind of like fireworks. It was last for a second, and then leave. I just kept screaming, and then I woke up. I was shaken by it.

The only time I felt happy was when I was in Church, and able to sing out to Jesus. The rest of the day, I could only half pay attention to what was going on around me. But this evening, I finally stopped and really listened. I asked him to affirm my strength for what is coming. I was so overcome that my knees gave out, and I just was on the ground and was crying. But I knew He was there.

I love you. I am not going to give up on you. I am going to be here until you are set free. I promise you that right now. Even if that means you hate me by the end of it all.





We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus.
The greatness of mercy and love at the feet of Jesus.
And we cry Holy, Holy, Holy.
And we cry Holy, Holy, Holy.
And we cry, Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb.

I Want Your Love, And I Want Your Revenge

I want Lady Gaga's voicebox switched with mine. Also, I would like her body. Thank you.

I am so excited for Dinner + Concert + Cowboys (maybe?) tomorrow. NO, JUST KIDDING. Today!

Church in two days! "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world ." John 16:33

Love, love, love. I am SERIOUSLY going to overflow with love I have pouring out of me for everyone. It is sickening. I LIKE IT.

Im SO excited to see Chels tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!

I love my aunt so much. She makes me happy.

Lord, thank you. Holy. This is fantastic.

You know that I want you, and you know that I need you. I want your love, and I want your revenge. You and me could write a bad romance. Want your bad romance, want your bad romance, want your bad romance.

Ra Ma Ra Ma MAaaa

• I have 1,017 in my account. That's more than I have ever had in my life! Holy!
• I am going to be praying so hard for you. I love you. You know you can come to me with everything and anything at ANY time. No matter what.
• IM SO EXCITED TO SEE MY AUNT.
• 4 days until Church. Holy. Could ya come faster, please?
• Im excited for Kelly Clarkson on fridayyyyy, and saturday too.
• KJ, YOU STILL owe all four of us a special blog each. And mine still gets to be the longest, because I say so. :) And they have to be nice!
• LOOORDDDDDDDDD, you make me happy. :)
• Thanks for the talk last night.
• Im excited to see my US ATENDEE BEST FRIEND.
• Lady Gaga is friggen weird. But I love her!

EIGHT MONTHS.

Holy, Lord.

Tonight was absolutely wonderful. Today is Kj's and mine eight month anniversary. We decided we would meet downtown and hang out. It was lovely even from the beginning. We walked for like eight hours because Kj wanted food and was determined. I think we seriously ended up walking down every main street in the downtown area. Finally, we settled on Eau Claire Market. We just talked, and joked around, and it was sooooo good to spend time with him.

Then we went and got coffee from Tim's, and decided to go to Princes Island Park. It was BEAUTIFUL. The wind died down, and the street lights were out, and it felt like we were something out of a movie. We were a couple, and it was so nice. Finally, our topic turned into the most important one of all, GOD. We stood on the bridge and appreciated how beautiful the night was. And then I finally was able to show Kj how far I have come, even since the last time I saw him. I was almost bursting with emotion and joy. We talked about his trip, and about me, and how much God was in my life. I dont think he was expecting it, because it even brought him to tears. And we hugged, and it was just right. Everything was in its perfect element, and it was perfect because God was there, and it was right. We were for the first time in the year and a half we have been eachothers significant either, able to open up about the only thing that stood in our way, which was our difference in spirituality. But now, I dont think it will ever have to be an issue again, and I am just SO thankful. I could feel God watching over us, feel him in me, and it was fantastic. ahhhhhhhhhh. And then Kj and I were just laughing so much, and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much because we were both so happy. God made us glad, he filled us with SO much joy, and we were glad for what we had with God seperately, and for eachother, and for everything!

We walked more, and we prayed for the people around us, and for us. It was beautiful. I started crying because it meant so much. And then we continued to walk downtown, and just were silly and in love, and we did it all through the Lord, and it was fantastic. It was wonderful. I am so happy.

I love this. I love it.
I could not possibly be filled with anymore happiness.

My Story

Yesterday's service was one that really spoke out to me. And honestly, they all do, because REALLY knowing God is still something new, and I am thirsty for knowledge and the passages all the time. This sunday, it was about telling your story. The pastor spoke of how everyone always loves watching movies or reading books that are real stories, because we know that they have at some time and place happened, and it makes us all that more intrigued. And then we read from Acts about Paul speaking to King Agrippa. Paul had been in jail, and he had finally been given the chance to speak for himself. So Paul did exactly what all of us need to do. He asked the King to just simply listen. And then he told his story of coming to Christ, and how it happened. The pastor spoke of how we often see two sides of Christians. Either they are very quiet, and like to fly under the radar to avoid confrontation and because they don't want to upset anyone else's beliefs. And then there is the other side who are VERY opinionated, and in a way ig norant to anyone else's beliefs. Neither is the right way. For the right way, is just simply to tell your story. By telling your story, you are telling the Lord's, and no one's story is more or less important than anothers. Because in the end it all means one thing, and that is to live through Jesus. Then the pastor asked all of us who were willing to tell our story whenever the Spirit called for us to, or for anytime it was brought up in conversation, to stand. Almost everyone in the service stood. It ended with communion, and that was the first time I was able to recieve communion knowing I really believe, really feel Him, really know him.

I want to tell my story. It's not finished yet, because for me, it just recently began. But I have a story. I will not be ashamed for what has happened to me.

This is my testimony.

I was brought up in a family where the awareness that there was God was always there, but it was never enforced except when in the presence of my grandparents. That was because my grandfather was a pastor, and my grandmother loved God just as wholly as he. While I had always believed in God, I never gave it a second thought. Reading the bible was not important, worshipping him or praising him was something I definitely never did. The passages that my grandfather would read to me went in one ear, and out the other almost immediately. For me, prayer was the extent of my faith. This was a good start for somebody who was young. But, never did it progress from that. As I entered my teenage years, I also entered a life that was completely avoident of the Lord and what I knew to be right. I engaged in sexual immorality, I put foreign and bad substances in my body, I swore and cursed the Lords name in vain, I lied, cheated, broke the law, and was very disrespectful to my parents. On the outside, I was still such a sweet girl. But that is the raw truth of it. I was taken advantage of, manipulated, lied to, corrupted with, and in return, had no idea what was right, and what was natural. For a couple of years, I was unstoppable, out of control, and broken.

I eventually left my rebellious years behind me, and comfortably fit into a life that was better, yet still not fit to follow the Lord. I began to become more aware that God could easily be a part of my life, yet still the barrier was up. Church was something that I went to on a very rare occasion, and often times I only appeared at my grandpa's church once a year, if that. But somewhere along the way, I lost my way entirely for a second time. Part of it was my own fault, and part of it was from the influence and actions of another person who caused me great pain. It took until I hit rock bottom to finally see that He was infact still there, because I had lost all faith in Him, and in myself. I despised Him for the life I had been given thus far, completely ignorning all the blessing and grace I had been given. I stopped praying almost altogether. And when I did, it was only for me, and not prayer for others. I was selfish. And then one night, like many before it, I felt as if I would not make it to the morning. I lied on my bed, in darkness, and I let grief wash over me. I had been broken so fully that it was hard to even function through a day. I called out to God, sobbing. I asked why he was doing this to me, and I asked why it was so hard to smile. And then, a voice told me to wait, a voice that did not come from my own mouth. It was inside my head, and yet it felt as if it was spoken out loud. For the first time, God had spoken to me through my heart. And for the first time, I chose to listen. I fell asleep, and when I woke up again, I felt something different. It is unexplainable to this day. And right then and there, I knew something had to change.

It took many months after that to actually begin this change. I had proved myself incapable to God to be able to do it alone, and soon there was a man whom I became very close with. Without even knowing it, this was the person that God had given me the chance to change my life with. I believe now, I would never have come fully to Christ without him. I was inspired and completely awed by his love for God. I wanted so desperately to be a part of it, but I was afraid AND ashamed because I did not want to rely solely on faith, and certainly not on something that I could not see. I doubted his power and his love. So, in the beginning, I watched from the sidelines as God worked in him and with the people around him. And as I fell in love with the man, who's own faith grew into something incorruptible, eventually something began to change deep within me, too. I fell back in love with Him. The Lord himself. It felt as if the door had been opened, and I made the adamant choice to walk through it. I took the big leap of faith, literally. I began to listen instead of ignore. I began to talk about Him, and began to voice the words I was unable to verbalize for so long. I came out of my double life that I had so naively been living. I recongized right away that I had thought I knew who I was, but in reality, did not. I was aware that I thought I was Christian, only to find out I could know nothing until I knew Him. I began to believe wholeheartedly in His love, and because of that, my faith was restored. He restored me, and gave me His grace. He washed away my sins, and broke and convicted me of what I knew all along was wrong. I acknowledged myself as a sinner, and began to live through Him and for Him. Emotion and love for God began to pour out of my heart unlike ever before. For those reasons and more, I began to experience Him on a whole new and personal level.

He has answered countless prayers, and given me real and solid signs to show that he is there. Today, I am new, and whole, and live only for God, and for all that he has done. Now, I can happily say that MY faith and my love for the Lord is incorruptible. He died for me, for the sins of everyone. I know his Love, and I know HIM, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

And You Will Find Infinity

• Work thursday was brutal. Work friday was phenomenal. Work saturday was pretty decent, but close was fantastic. I LOVE MY CO WORKERS. Love, love, love, love them.
• I am soooooooooooooooo excited for Church. AH, Sunday, could ya come any faster please?
• I'm a little sad that I had to miss the Back Alley tonight, but I am so exhausted.
• I'm excited to visit Darlene and Keddy. I love how I am going to see my boyfriend's parents, and he is not even in the province. That is fantastic. They love me (I hope). He should love me, too.
• My feet hurt.
• My boob is so itchy. Its because I left the key for my lock in my bra, and now I am having an allergic reaction. UMMMMMMM, GO HOME.
• Need sleep. Need.
• And take your time, to trust in me, and you will find infinity <3
• LORD, thank you so much for answering that prayer. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Insanity

I am sitting on the living room chair, in the kitchen. Infront of me is a table, beside me on one side is a dishwasher, on the other side are lamps, and a dresser. Just behind me is a book shelf, and a vaccuum. Needless to say, the house is utter chaos. I had takeout Chinese food for lunch that spent half the night outside on the deck because we couldn't reach the fridge. My mother is breaking out so bad that her nose looks twice the size it should. She is rudolf. And I, am just about to spend 10 + hours at work. After in which, I will come home, immediately go to sleep, and then wake up and do it all over again. I've never heard my dad talk to himself so much in my life.

God, for the love of everything that is Holy, help us.

You Got Me

• I struggled a lot today with my self esteem and physical appearance. It's usually not too much of an issue. I don't know what it was... I am just feeling... repulsed.
• I CANT BELIEVE BIGGEST LOSER. GO HOME. I WANT TO BOYCOTT YOU NOW. :(
• My parents were on my nerves today, and I am doing my best to not be disrespectful.
• I'm here. I have always been here. You can open up to me.
• I love you, but this is hard.
• My breathing issues are coming back.
• I'm excited for tomorrow night. Superrrr excited.
• My thoughts are constantly on You, and what you have done for me. You've answered prayer after prayer. Give me strength to live for you, and through you.

The Whole Earth Shakes

Haaaay, Kj.
I think you're cute.
AND, I love you.

Hosanna In The Highest

You broke my heart for what broke yours.
And you will continue to break my heart for what breaks yours.

Last night, literally, changed my life. It is the turning point of my life with God.
I just can't believe it took me this long.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My goodness. The last couple of days have been pretty full.

On Friday I worked, and then Kaleigh and Tanya slept over. We hardly even did anything. We watched homevideo's of junior high, and of my birthdays. We picked out changes in ourselves. It was crazy to see how much has changed both physically and socially for us. But I am so glad for the memories that I can look back on, now.

On Saturday I got up, and I was feeling sick to my stomach from nerves 'cause of this thing Kj had invited me to. I always get that same feeling... I just feel so uneasy when I'm anxious, even if there is nothing to be worried about. I really need to work on that. Some sort of calming ritual, lol. Good luck with that, Amy. Anyway... Tanya dropped me off at his leaders' house, and my heart was seriously pounding so hard. It was nervewracking, knowing I was about to meet this group of teenagers that Kj is becoming so close with. But they all were wonderful people. I feel so happy for Kj because I don't think he could have better people to accompany him on this trip. They are all such a strong support system for eachother, and each of them were totally different. It was so neat to see.

Kj came over afterwards, and we just kinda hung out. That's probably the first time we have spent any real time together since he started bootcamp. I felt really happy to be able to finally talk one on one, and just be together. After going days and days without seeing him, especially on a busy week like the last one where there wasn't a huge amount of communication either, I get really restless for him. But this is a really good test to see how I am going to be able to handle it once he leaves. So far, I think I'm doin' pretty good, save for the exception days where I'm off my game and get emotional. I'm trying not to complicate things. And I'm trying to keep my head clear. I really am. I know my heart. Just trying to take it step by step. I love him.

They talked about that in church this morning. But about taking it step by step in faith. It's about actions speaking louder than words. You can call yourself a christian, and say that you are full in faith, but are you living out those words? That was really interesting to me. Because that's exactly what I did for so long. I said one thing, but never acted accordingly. I pretended. That is changing. And I am really glad. I'm already excited for next week, and this time I'll actually bring my bible so I can follow along. I'm glad that Steph went with me. It was nice to have someone else there while I am still getting used to the church. But I think I might have finally found some place that I'm comfortable in. It actually gets me excited to get up on sunday mornings, and praise God for everything he's done, and will do. It's so good.

We are finally putting the laminate on the floor. My parents worked ALL day. Once I got home from church, I helped clean the basement because my aunt is staying overnight down there. It will be nice to see her. Anyway, it's about 3/4 of the way done in only the living room so far. We have a loooooooooooooooooong way to go. It will look so nice after it's finished though. My mom and dad have worked so hard for this. I hope that it gets easier to get everything done, now that they have the hang of it. Im going to try and help as much as I can.

I am going to be very busy this week... I have 41 or possibly even more hours. I work monday through saturday, with INSANE like ten hour days. Our biggest event of the year can just go home right this second. I am going to be the textbook definition of a zombie by saturday night. I'm wishing myself luck for this one. Oohfta. Sorry if I am a little incommunicado, espeically for the later half of the week.

I'm Weary

FIRST of all, since when did it become thursday? Where has the first part of this week gone? What have I even done this week? This blows my mind. It feels like it should be monday, and it definitely isn't.

So tuesday I went for coffee with Steph, after much grumbling and complaining on both ends. Somehow we managed to make our way to sunridge. FUNNIEST thing happened while we were on the C- train. This drunk native guy, he looked pretty young, comes up and asks us for change. We of course say, no. And then thinking he would just swear at us and then leave, no, he continues to talk. "GOSH, you girls are pretty. YOU. and YOU. You are reallllllly pretty. Gosh, I wish you could be mine. GOSH you girls are pretty. I need another drink." Something like that. He must have said it like ten times. In the meantime, Steph and I are like half laughing, half feeling the need to run away. It was a good time. And then we sat in the food court, and talked. About a lot.

Yesterday I was really grumpy. This is what happens, ladies and gentlemen, when Amy has her monthly friend. But it was weird, because in the morning I was fine. Mom and I went out grocery shopping and I conned her into buying things we didn't need. But I decided I wanted to have a nap before work. So then I woke up at like 3:30, and was realllllllly grumpy. And I called Kaleigh, my poor best friend who has influenza. Get better you little nasty. Atleast it isn't H1N1, dear. Then work. Again today... SO DEAD. The manager from Cross Iron Mills called, and told us they were only at $400 dollars. Okay, seriously? In UB world, that is like... not good. At all. And we only did like $1800, or something. Baddddd. So it was dead all night. I bought the boys french fries, and now they have to love me for the rest of their life. Brandon made this robot costume out of a box, and that was super funny. All in all, Brandon and Greg managed to get me out of my grump. Props to you both for that. Thaaaank you. :)

I got home and didn't really know what to do with myself. I started reading, but then felt restless. So I watched Passion of the Christ. Haha, I know. Of all the movies. But I figured that now that I am learning so much more about scripture and the bible, watching it now would give me more of an understanding. I cried lots. That's no surprise. It was really good, though.

I really need to shave my legs. This is what happens when you have a boyfriend you never see (and apparently the communication is a hit and miss as of late, also). You don't have to worry about these things. Which is a good, and a bad thing at the same time. avhauihfiuaojvioahfhwa. Im confused. He did, however, ask me to go to his leaders' house on saturday. Which is really lucky, because this is the first saturday in awhile that I havent worked. It will be interesting. Dont understand why they all want to meet me. I'm like... Well i dont know, but whatever.

Gotta keep movin' on. Even when things are out of whack, and confusing. Clarity will come with time.

PS. I don't even feel you anymore. :(

It's A Choice, Not An Attitude

I feel exhausted of how I am living my life. I feel exhausted for living in mediocrity, and living in sin. How many times have I expressed my frustration, spent nights crying over something I still have done nothing to change. I know that I'm not ready to take that final step, yet. But I feel it coming. I feel my life starting to make sense again. And I definitely feel that sense of urgency to change it. It begins with God It begins, more importantly than anything or anyone, with living for him and through him. I am done being ashamed of what I believe in for the sake of others who do not. Because I, too, have spent many years living a double life. On one hand, I wanted to call myself Christian and pretend that I knew what that meant. But I had no idea. Not until recently. And on the other hand, I wanted to be able to speak freely with my personal experiences with God. But I wasn't able to speak out for myself and tell people what I truly believed in, other than saying, "I believe in God." Seriously, what does that even mean? It means nothing unless you have a foundation to run with. Whyyyyyy did I do this to myself for so long? It's not wrong for me to believe in Him. It's not wrong for me to love what He can do for me, and for other people. It's not wrong to have someone to always turn to, in any dark moment.

And then, it continues with my future. I am so much smarter then I let myself be, simply because I am unmotived and lazy. I am so lazy. What do I want? I want to finish the courses I need to go to university. I don't want to go to a college. I want to be in a unveristy, and I want to study something that makes me happy. I want to get a degree, and do something for me. I need this. I need to start getting my life together. I can't yet. The barrier is there, and it stands in my way. It feels like a physical disability. But this new year, things are going to change. I just need to make that final sprint. I have to. I have to do it for me. I have to prove, not only to the people involved in my life, but even more importanly to myself that I am worth this. I am going to change everything about myself. I am going to shape who I am, and still find time to be me. I WILL NOT compromise who I am for anything. I will always be me, no matter what. No one can change that. I'm going to do this. I am, I am, I am.

Another Tuesday

• I CALLED IT.
• I'm excited to have my coffee date with Steph. I haven't seen her in like a year, and I miss her. Imma pray for her sibs' (that makes me laugh) that they all get better soon.
• This hot chocolate I made is soooo goooood.
• UM, could you not? :( Kay, thanks.
• Ugh.
• Last night was SO neat. I'm just filled with so much emotion because of it. Oh my gosh, it was good.
• I miss my family. Don't wanna wait another 7 months. SO EXCITED for Aunty Denise to come.
• My tummy hurts. I need some ibuprofun. I BE PRO FUN.

If You're Up For It

You know what?

I feel fantastic. And it's because God worked so much in me today. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like that's not how I feel. I read what I am writing, and my previous blogs, and I can see Him changing me. It was the weirdest thing. This morning I woke up, and Kj offered for me to go to church with him. At first I wasn't sure, I feel awkward easily. But... It's like, my whole body was telling me to go. Something in my heart was tugging at it to just dive in, and go. So I did. And then the service talked exactly about what I fear the most, what I struggle with in my faith the most. And I knew I was meant to hear that message. How can I follow God and do everything he asks of me, when it could lead me straight to trouble and hardship? I've never been able to cross those waters. I have ALWAYS stopped at what is comfortable and easy for me, spiritually. And, before today, I never had any indication that it was a problem. Today changed that. As I grow in faith, that changes. He pushed me today, in my heart.
And I know now, that it's time to step it up.

And I know it must look and feel weird for the people that are closest to me, more particularly my best friends and my parents. Part of me worries that they will start to shy away from me because I'm becoming more spiritual. But I can't deny something that is so profoundly becoming a part of me. And I hope, hope, hope that they will be able to accept me for my changes. I'm still the same person. I can still act like a retard, and make mistakes, and swear, and do things that I probably shouldn't. The only thing that is changing is how I live for myself, and God. I hope they know that. Today really showed me the potential that Kj and I have together. You told me that if I felt anything, or if He confirmed anything, that you wanted me to tell you. So, I am telling you right now: We were sitting in that church, singing, and I all of a sudden just felt that I don't have to be afraid of where we are headed as a couple. I can do this, if you can do this. If you're up for it, let's get it right this time around. Let's be happy, and be together. I dont know what the future holds, and for now, I dont care. I don't know what I was being so stupid about. The two of us have been through more personal changes then I can count. So, here is one more.

Halloween was... good? Or... bad? I can't quite decide. I cried a lot. I had so much pent up emotion. Tanya's mom was fantastic, and let me cry on her for probably an hour. I just needed desperately to finally let it out. And I'm glad that it was courage to tell Kj everything I needed to, even if it maybe wasn't the best way to say it. It's like a tradition that everything comes out when one of is drunk now, haha. Not really. But actually. Anyway. The party. It was fun. I had a good time, even if no one else did.