And You Will Find Infinity

• Work thursday was brutal. Work friday was phenomenal. Work saturday was pretty decent, but close was fantastic. I LOVE MY CO WORKERS. Love, love, love, love them.
• I am soooooooooooooooo excited for Church. AH, Sunday, could ya come any faster please?
• I'm a little sad that I had to miss the Back Alley tonight, but I am so exhausted.
• I'm excited to visit Darlene and Keddy. I love how I am going to see my boyfriend's parents, and he is not even in the province. That is fantastic. They love me (I hope). He should love me, too.
• My feet hurt.
• My boob is so itchy. Its because I left the key for my lock in my bra, and now I am having an allergic reaction. UMMMMMMM, GO HOME.
• Need sleep. Need.
• And take your time, to trust in me, and you will find infinity <3
• LORD, thank you so much for answering that prayer. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Insanity

I am sitting on the living room chair, in the kitchen. Infront of me is a table, beside me on one side is a dishwasher, on the other side are lamps, and a dresser. Just behind me is a book shelf, and a vaccuum. Needless to say, the house is utter chaos. I had takeout Chinese food for lunch that spent half the night outside on the deck because we couldn't reach the fridge. My mother is breaking out so bad that her nose looks twice the size it should. She is rudolf. And I, am just about to spend 10 + hours at work. After in which, I will come home, immediately go to sleep, and then wake up and do it all over again. I've never heard my dad talk to himself so much in my life.

God, for the love of everything that is Holy, help us.

You Got Me

• I struggled a lot today with my self esteem and physical appearance. It's usually not too much of an issue. I don't know what it was... I am just feeling... repulsed.
• I CANT BELIEVE BIGGEST LOSER. GO HOME. I WANT TO BOYCOTT YOU NOW. :(
• My parents were on my nerves today, and I am doing my best to not be disrespectful.
• I'm here. I have always been here. You can open up to me.
• I love you, but this is hard.
• My breathing issues are coming back.
• I'm excited for tomorrow night. Superrrr excited.
• My thoughts are constantly on You, and what you have done for me. You've answered prayer after prayer. Give me strength to live for you, and through you.

The Whole Earth Shakes

Haaaay, Kj.
I think you're cute.
AND, I love you.

Hosanna In The Highest

You broke my heart for what broke yours.
And you will continue to break my heart for what breaks yours.

Last night, literally, changed my life. It is the turning point of my life with God.
I just can't believe it took me this long.

Busy, Busy, Busy

My goodness. The last couple of days have been pretty full.

On Friday I worked, and then Kaleigh and Tanya slept over. We hardly even did anything. We watched homevideo's of junior high, and of my birthdays. We picked out changes in ourselves. It was crazy to see how much has changed both physically and socially for us. But I am so glad for the memories that I can look back on, now.

On Saturday I got up, and I was feeling sick to my stomach from nerves 'cause of this thing Kj had invited me to. I always get that same feeling... I just feel so uneasy when I'm anxious, even if there is nothing to be worried about. I really need to work on that. Some sort of calming ritual, lol. Good luck with that, Amy. Anyway... Tanya dropped me off at his leaders' house, and my heart was seriously pounding so hard. It was nervewracking, knowing I was about to meet this group of teenagers that Kj is becoming so close with. But they all were wonderful people. I feel so happy for Kj because I don't think he could have better people to accompany him on this trip. They are all such a strong support system for eachother, and each of them were totally different. It was so neat to see.

Kj came over afterwards, and we just kinda hung out. That's probably the first time we have spent any real time together since he started bootcamp. I felt really happy to be able to finally talk one on one, and just be together. After going days and days without seeing him, especially on a busy week like the last one where there wasn't a huge amount of communication either, I get really restless for him. But this is a really good test to see how I am going to be able to handle it once he leaves. So far, I think I'm doin' pretty good, save for the exception days where I'm off my game and get emotional. I'm trying not to complicate things. And I'm trying to keep my head clear. I really am. I know my heart. Just trying to take it step by step. I love him.

They talked about that in church this morning. But about taking it step by step in faith. It's about actions speaking louder than words. You can call yourself a christian, and say that you are full in faith, but are you living out those words? That was really interesting to me. Because that's exactly what I did for so long. I said one thing, but never acted accordingly. I pretended. That is changing. And I am really glad. I'm already excited for next week, and this time I'll actually bring my bible so I can follow along. I'm glad that Steph went with me. It was nice to have someone else there while I am still getting used to the church. But I think I might have finally found some place that I'm comfortable in. It actually gets me excited to get up on sunday mornings, and praise God for everything he's done, and will do. It's so good.

We are finally putting the laminate on the floor. My parents worked ALL day. Once I got home from church, I helped clean the basement because my aunt is staying overnight down there. It will be nice to see her. Anyway, it's about 3/4 of the way done in only the living room so far. We have a loooooooooooooooooong way to go. It will look so nice after it's finished though. My mom and dad have worked so hard for this. I hope that it gets easier to get everything done, now that they have the hang of it. Im going to try and help as much as I can.

I am going to be very busy this week... I have 41 or possibly even more hours. I work monday through saturday, with INSANE like ten hour days. Our biggest event of the year can just go home right this second. I am going to be the textbook definition of a zombie by saturday night. I'm wishing myself luck for this one. Oohfta. Sorry if I am a little incommunicado, espeically for the later half of the week.

I'm Weary

FIRST of all, since when did it become thursday? Where has the first part of this week gone? What have I even done this week? This blows my mind. It feels like it should be monday, and it definitely isn't.

So tuesday I went for coffee with Steph, after much grumbling and complaining on both ends. Somehow we managed to make our way to sunridge. FUNNIEST thing happened while we were on the C- train. This drunk native guy, he looked pretty young, comes up and asks us for change. We of course say, no. And then thinking he would just swear at us and then leave, no, he continues to talk. "GOSH, you girls are pretty. YOU. and YOU. You are reallllllly pretty. Gosh, I wish you could be mine. GOSH you girls are pretty. I need another drink." Something like that. He must have said it like ten times. In the meantime, Steph and I are like half laughing, half feeling the need to run away. It was a good time. And then we sat in the food court, and talked. About a lot.

Yesterday I was really grumpy. This is what happens, ladies and gentlemen, when Amy has her monthly friend. But it was weird, because in the morning I was fine. Mom and I went out grocery shopping and I conned her into buying things we didn't need. But I decided I wanted to have a nap before work. So then I woke up at like 3:30, and was realllllllly grumpy. And I called Kaleigh, my poor best friend who has influenza. Get better you little nasty. Atleast it isn't H1N1, dear. Then work. Again today... SO DEAD. The manager from Cross Iron Mills called, and told us they were only at $400 dollars. Okay, seriously? In UB world, that is like... not good. At all. And we only did like $1800, or something. Baddddd. So it was dead all night. I bought the boys french fries, and now they have to love me for the rest of their life. Brandon made this robot costume out of a box, and that was super funny. All in all, Brandon and Greg managed to get me out of my grump. Props to you both for that. Thaaaank you. :)

I got home and didn't really know what to do with myself. I started reading, but then felt restless. So I watched Passion of the Christ. Haha, I know. Of all the movies. But I figured that now that I am learning so much more about scripture and the bible, watching it now would give me more of an understanding. I cried lots. That's no surprise. It was really good, though.

I really need to shave my legs. This is what happens when you have a boyfriend you never see (and apparently the communication is a hit and miss as of late, also). You don't have to worry about these things. Which is a good, and a bad thing at the same time. avhauihfiuaojvioahfhwa. Im confused. He did, however, ask me to go to his leaders' house on saturday. Which is really lucky, because this is the first saturday in awhile that I havent worked. It will be interesting. Dont understand why they all want to meet me. I'm like... Well i dont know, but whatever.

Gotta keep movin' on. Even when things are out of whack, and confusing. Clarity will come with time.

PS. I don't even feel you anymore. :(

It's A Choice, Not An Attitude

I feel exhausted of how I am living my life. I feel exhausted for living in mediocrity, and living in sin. How many times have I expressed my frustration, spent nights crying over something I still have done nothing to change. I know that I'm not ready to take that final step, yet. But I feel it coming. I feel my life starting to make sense again. And I definitely feel that sense of urgency to change it. It begins with God It begins, more importantly than anything or anyone, with living for him and through him. I am done being ashamed of what I believe in for the sake of others who do not. Because I, too, have spent many years living a double life. On one hand, I wanted to call myself Christian and pretend that I knew what that meant. But I had no idea. Not until recently. And on the other hand, I wanted to be able to speak freely with my personal experiences with God. But I wasn't able to speak out for myself and tell people what I truly believed in, other than saying, "I believe in God." Seriously, what does that even mean? It means nothing unless you have a foundation to run with. Whyyyyyy did I do this to myself for so long? It's not wrong for me to believe in Him. It's not wrong for me to love what He can do for me, and for other people. It's not wrong to have someone to always turn to, in any dark moment.

And then, it continues with my future. I am so much smarter then I let myself be, simply because I am unmotived and lazy. I am so lazy. What do I want? I want to finish the courses I need to go to university. I don't want to go to a college. I want to be in a unveristy, and I want to study something that makes me happy. I want to get a degree, and do something for me. I need this. I need to start getting my life together. I can't yet. The barrier is there, and it stands in my way. It feels like a physical disability. But this new year, things are going to change. I just need to make that final sprint. I have to. I have to do it for me. I have to prove, not only to the people involved in my life, but even more importanly to myself that I am worth this. I am going to change everything about myself. I am going to shape who I am, and still find time to be me. I WILL NOT compromise who I am for anything. I will always be me, no matter what. No one can change that. I'm going to do this. I am, I am, I am.

Another Tuesday

• I CALLED IT.
• I'm excited to have my coffee date with Steph. I haven't seen her in like a year, and I miss her. Imma pray for her sibs' (that makes me laugh) that they all get better soon.
• This hot chocolate I made is soooo goooood.
• UM, could you not? :( Kay, thanks.
• Ugh.
• Last night was SO neat. I'm just filled with so much emotion because of it. Oh my gosh, it was good.
• I miss my family. Don't wanna wait another 7 months. SO EXCITED for Aunty Denise to come.
• My tummy hurts. I need some ibuprofun. I BE PRO FUN.

If You're Up For It

You know what?

I feel fantastic. And it's because God worked so much in me today. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like that's not how I feel. I read what I am writing, and my previous blogs, and I can see Him changing me. It was the weirdest thing. This morning I woke up, and Kj offered for me to go to church with him. At first I wasn't sure, I feel awkward easily. But... It's like, my whole body was telling me to go. Something in my heart was tugging at it to just dive in, and go. So I did. And then the service talked exactly about what I fear the most, what I struggle with in my faith the most. And I knew I was meant to hear that message. How can I follow God and do everything he asks of me, when it could lead me straight to trouble and hardship? I've never been able to cross those waters. I have ALWAYS stopped at what is comfortable and easy for me, spiritually. And, before today, I never had any indication that it was a problem. Today changed that. As I grow in faith, that changes. He pushed me today, in my heart.
And I know now, that it's time to step it up.

And I know it must look and feel weird for the people that are closest to me, more particularly my best friends and my parents. Part of me worries that they will start to shy away from me because I'm becoming more spiritual. But I can't deny something that is so profoundly becoming a part of me. And I hope, hope, hope that they will be able to accept me for my changes. I'm still the same person. I can still act like a retard, and make mistakes, and swear, and do things that I probably shouldn't. The only thing that is changing is how I live for myself, and God. I hope they know that. Today really showed me the potential that Kj and I have together. You told me that if I felt anything, or if He confirmed anything, that you wanted me to tell you. So, I am telling you right now: We were sitting in that church, singing, and I all of a sudden just felt that I don't have to be afraid of where we are headed as a couple. I can do this, if you can do this. If you're up for it, let's get it right this time around. Let's be happy, and be together. I dont know what the future holds, and for now, I dont care. I don't know what I was being so stupid about. The two of us have been through more personal changes then I can count. So, here is one more.

Halloween was... good? Or... bad? I can't quite decide. I cried a lot. I had so much pent up emotion. Tanya's mom was fantastic, and let me cry on her for probably an hour. I just needed desperately to finally let it out. And I'm glad that it was courage to tell Kj everything I needed to, even if it maybe wasn't the best way to say it. It's like a tradition that everything comes out when one of is drunk now, haha. Not really. But actually. Anyway. The party. It was fun. I had a good time, even if no one else did.