Darling, When They Tell Your Story.

I feel like I've been writing this blog for other people. But that's not what this is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be for me, so that I can have these memories. I need to stop writing it wondering who will and won't read it. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. These are my personal thoughts, and I shouldn't be ashamed of them no matter what they are...


I am having so much trouble sleeping right now. Still dreaming every night! I can't remember my dream right now, and I wanted to share it. I should just start writing them on here... Too much effort. But getting to sleep, and staying asleep is a pain in my ass. I don't know what it is. I just literally cannot turn my brain off. It is not because of a certain thought; it is just in general. It's kind of like having ADD before one goes to sleep. I just jump from one thought to the next so fast. One triggers another, and so on. It is seriously so frustrating. Must find a technique to better my sleeping habits. I need the sleep.

I can't believe I worked 1-close the last two days. Not that it's such a mind grieving task. I'm just not used to it. My boss asked me if I am looking for more hours, and I said yes. So, I suppose that means I'mma be getting more and more of those nasty shifts. I need to remember to take of f the concert night, and Kayla's birthday. And truthfully, the shifts really aren't that horrible. I don't mind them. As long as I'm working with the right people. I can only take Colleen in small doses. She is just.. too "in the face" for my liking. The only thing I will give her credit for is that she is a damn good boss. She knows how to run our store, and she is the ONLY manager that has been able to do it properly. It is not an easy job, either. So, props to her for that. I LOVE the upbeat atmosphere. It's my favorite part about my job. Colleen says I am the most optimistic and happy person she knows. And I want to be like, "How is that possible?" I do like being happy. It makes life 100% more enjoyable.

Next on my "I can't believe" list, Halloween is in two days. WTF. When did this happen? How is Halloween in two days and I still don't have a costume? What do I want to be? However! Jenny and I are going shopping today, and hoooopefully *fingers crossed* I will find something that doesn't cost a million dollars. Because I think everyone around me, including myself, might shoot me if I wear my rag doll costume for a third year in a row. Haha. It's a good costume. I don't know what they all are complaining about. I don't feel very excited for Halloween. Maybe there just hasn't been enough hype. I don't know. I'm sure it will be a blast. I could care less how many people show up to the party. I get to spend it with my best friends, and Kj (Minus the Jenny best friend, in which I will miss terribly. Little nasty). And I am pretty excited to see Kj. It will be two weeks on saturday! I think that's actually the longest we have gone without seeing eachother, well, ever. Unless you want to include the month we didnt see eachother last summer when we were "seeing eachother". That probs doesn't count. So yeah. It's weird. But I'm not suffering, so that's a bonus! I think that being able to text fairly regularly is a big help on that basis. God continues to give me strength in that area, and in any area that requires strength. He is blessing me with SO much of it that sometimes I don't even know how to handle myself. It feels like a burden has been lifted right off my chest, and I am not used to that. He is giving me the chance to live my life without fear and regret. Right now, I couldn't ask for more. It's wonderful. It seems now that I was a wimp before. Well, not a wimp. Just.. less strong? Lol whatever. I WENT OFF TOPIC. The point is... Halloween. It'll be interesting. I'm kinda more excited just to decorate with Tanya, Breanna and Kaleigh. Let's get a bottle of wine and do it up! Haha. Fsshh.

I am so proud of Jenny for making it two whole years with Cody, today! It actually doesn't feel that long to me, unless I really stop to think about the memories of when they first were dating. Then it seems more like two years. But on the whole, it doesn't. I knew they'd end together until there was some sort of apocolypse. I've been right so far. Wish I could have a two year anniversary. The longest I've made it is eight months, LOL. I fail at life. Cares. I will someday. Today is Jenny's day.

That is all. :)

It's Tuesday.

• I must have had some serious lapse in judgement to agree to work from 1 - close today. Somebody should just kill be right now and be done with it. I am going to die. Brandon is working, though, so I will hopefully alteast get some entertainment out of today.
• Thank you for the talk last night. I know how stupid and confusing that topic must be. Well, I dont really know, but I can definitely imagine. I needed to tell somebody that, and I'm glad it was you. I'm always here. You can't get rid of me.
• I miss you! We were supposed to have a sleepover like twice, and it never happened. Gtfo. Let's go have coffee soon, okay?
• I'm walkin' tall against the rain.
• I'm so happy for you and your continual healing! I can't wait for the day when the cancer is all gone. Everybody will be so happy for you, and with you.
• I still need a costume. But I don't really feel like going to find one.
• Help my heart be great.
• My passion in photography is growing so much.
• I miss playing music.

• God.

Secret #2

I'm not sure I can do this.

Psalm 61.

Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer

From, the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher
than I.

For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your
wings.

Secret #One.

I can't be who you are.
I can't be who you are.

It's 4:39 in the morning, and I like to ramble.

My throat hurts so bad. Maybe that's why I'm awake right now. I would much rather be sleeping. When you wake up in the middle of the night and toss and turn until the realization hits that you are not tired, it opens up a world of possibilites; most likely of which is that you will continue to lay in your bed and let your thoughts take over. That is exactly what I did. So now I am sitting (laying... whichever) in a puddle of thoughts ramming through my head. Ramming? Does that word work in that sentance? Im pretty sure it doesnt. My brain is too lazy to figure it out. I just keep wondering what in the world is possessing me to still be awake. I mean, other than the obvs reason. Again, I would just like to point out that my throat hurts. I just had a yogurt tube. Is it sunday today? It is. Haha, oh Amy. Just wait until your count down starts at 18 weeks. I am excited to start at a gym, and learn how to cook with Jenny. Dangit, Brandon will be disappointed that we didn't meet up in our dreams to fight crime. And I was all excited, too. :/ Oh just kidding, I'm too busy with my eyes open instead of closed like they should be. I am still dreaming every night. It's been like this for weeks, now. I should really start a dream journal and record these vivid and completely random thingers we call dreams. Honestly, though, I am not sure I have enough motivation in the morning to be able to write about my dream first thing. I am like zombie girl in the morning. Ma hair is like zombie girl, too. Ouch my throat. I'm pretty sure imma brave it out and get the h1n1 (R2D2) virus vaccination. One of the girls from my work called in sick today because she went to the doctor and they told her she had symptoms of Swine flu. I will die if I get swine. I have zero immune system. So, therefore, the only logical thing to do would be to eliminate the possibility of getting it. Me and daddy are going to get it, I think. My feet are hanging off my bed right now. OH HAY, I'M GODZILLA. And speaking of... Quail was mentioned in the bible again tonight when I was reading. Did you guys know that I am trying to read the bible? It's hard. The pages are thin. But the title was "Quails from the Lord" I lol'd so hard. Even though I hate the word quail, and it should not be used as a replacement term for fail. A fail is a fail. A quail is a bird. Plain and simple. I have been listening to the same song on repeat for like an hour now. Should probs change it. But too lazy. Oh goody. It's five now. How have I been writing this for almost twenty minutes? It seems like it was like four or something. Oh, there are lingering thoughts on my brain that I should not be thinking. They need to gtfo before they mess me up. The last thing I need is to become emotionally unstable because I got caught up in something that had no meaning in the end. God knows I have worked hard to be at the point I am today. And He's the only one who knows how hard. My ear is so itchy. My room is dark, and I do not like. I reallllllllllllllly want to see Paranormal Activity, but there is no way on earth I am going to do it without Kj there. It isn't going to happen. I won't sleep for a week afterwards. Mmmmm... Sleep. I would like to do that, now. Especially since I have to be awake again in four and a half hours so I can go to friggen brunch. I am just going to sleep all day if I don't sleep now. That's how that one will work out. I am craving Timmy's. And subway. Mmmmm, food. Why do they always make the number on an alarm clock red? Why not blue or green or something? Because when it's red, and you look at it out of the corner of your eye, it looks like devil eyes. Ahahaha. Or like some sort of animal. That's not even funny, but I'm busting a tit laughing. My throat hurts. I miss you. I need to stop talking now that I have sufficiently wasted a half hour of my time writing this very long ramble. Oh good, now I have a second part to my title so it doesnt have to just say "it's 4:39 in the morning." My back hurts.

Fa La la la

• It's ma birthday in exactly two months. I'M SO OLD.
• There has been a ton of miscommunication between us both. Maybe there still is a little. But I have missed you more than you even know, and I hope that the last couple of days mean that things are getting better. Atleast, that's how I have taken it... :/ Let's stay friends. please?
• I'm getting excited for christmas and it is not even Halloween yet. There is a problem with that.
• I got twenty bucks in a Halloween card from my grandma today. Imma use it for breakfast with the girls on sunday.
• Super excited for saturday. AND NEXT SATURDAY. Halloweeeeeen, wooooo
• Hey, I love you girly.
• That song will always be for you and me. Regardless of the past, and the future. You still have a place in my heart. That song always strikes a chord. Always.
• I should really try and think of something solid to write about instead of having these random one liners.

Sun Flowers

1. I had a lot of fun with you today. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you. Your history is so deep and interesting. Thanks for the laughs. :) Needed those.
2. Maybe it's completely the opposite of what I thought. Maybe it's the other way around. The thought of that bothers me, but it's not something I can ignore.
3. My brain is on overload. Fantastic.
4. I was such a retard when I was a kid. Holy smokes.
5. I walked so much today. I didnt even go anywhere significantly interesting. Infact, mostly I hung out at work. I am lame.
6. I'm happy for you. I really am.
7. Please just talk to me. I need you.
8. I miss you. Can we please hang out soon? I miss us being able to talk about the stupidest things and laughing about nothing.
9. I can't give you what I know you want.
10. I've lost 3 more pounds. I should try just not eating more often.
11. Help me understand.
12. You're making my stomach drop.

What Does This Mean?

It's time for me to just write. I feel overwhelmed. But at the same time, I don't feel a sense of total unhappiness. I am not unhappy. I just feel overwhelmed by my life. Since I could walk and talk, I have been the girl that wants to please everyone. I physically cringe at a sad face, or a tear. Especially if it is my fault that I caused it when a person was undeserving of it. I have spent my entire life trying to be the person that everyone loved. And usually, that's how it was. My personality was what came through when everyone saw me. I was that big loveable teddy bear that people could come to for their problems, or for a good laugh. But lately, I don't feel like myself. I feel like part of me is acting. Because I have to. I don't know if its because I'm not sure if people, or more particularly the people I love, won't accept me, or if it's because I don't know who I am. I think it's partially a combination of both. But I honestly have never felt so confused about who I am as a person. I feel like I'm in effing junior high again. You know those awkward and uncomfortable years where you try to figure out what you are into, what you arent into, who you are, what you believe in? Apparently, I am having a repeat of that. I know that I'm a good person, a go- to person. I'm a listener, and I'll sit and listen to people's problems for as long as they want me to. But I can't seem to stop and listen to myself. I avoid the problems I feel, or think of. I avoid them, and pretend they arent there. Eventually I do that so much that I dont know which are problems, and which are realities. And then at that point, I've been doing that so often that I don't know how to fix them. Or change them.

Well, You Know.

• Nasty, disgusting, gross rodents. COULD YOU PLEASE GO FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO LIVE? OKAY? Okay. THANK YOU.
• Oh honey, you better take a good long look at where you have put yourself. You're becoming someone that no one wants to be around. You think you are so much better than us, but you don't even know what the meaning of "better" is. Get real.
• I have a kankar (is that how you spell Kankar?) sore on ma tongue, and it huuuurts.
• I probably shouldn't be thinking the things I am thinking right now.

• Mmm, whatcha say. Mmm, that it's all for the best? Of course it is...

Here Goes Nothing...

Another day, another new realization.

Today marks the beginning of Kj's training for Africa. I can't believe it's here already. But I can say that I feel much more prepared to be there to support him now then I did before. I could hardly support myself on this subject. I am so proud of him for getting this far already. I remember when this trip was nine months away, and thinking that it felt so long. I remember feeling scared. And now here we are, with less than three months until departing day. And the training is the first big step. I am so excited for him to meet and start bonding with the 10 other people he is going on this trip with. Oh gosh. Today is just such a big day for him. I think about how far I've come mentally and emotionally in a week, and it seems weird how I felt before. It seems I've come to terms with so much. And although in the future it could be bad or good, it's okay with me now. But, I guess I am just glad that I am able to take days to make these changes, instead of taking months like I would have if I was the old me. I am so thankful for the strength god is providing me. I don't think I would, or could be as strong otherwise. And not only him, but the absolutely unfailing support system of my friends. Especially from the select few, and they know who they are. I am thankful for them, too. Bring it on.

Bring it all on. I am so ready.

PS. I know how hard it is. Believe me, if anyone does, it's me. I promise that it will be okay, whatever happens. Just don't forget that I am here. A ten minute walk, or a phone call, or a text away. I love you.

Let There Be Light.

Everything happens for a reason. And I absolutely can do this. My last wall is down, and it's time to just live, and remember that I am not alone. I can't hold back. I have to live my life as it was meant to be lived. I have to stop looking, and just be. One day at a time.

Help My Heart Be Great.

Today is thanksgiving. I think a lot of people take this day as a day of great food. And its left at that. But behind all of the good food, which was fabulous... there is such a deeper meaning.

What am I thankful for?

In reality, there are so many things I have to be thankful for. So much has changed since the last thanksgiving, the last time I really thought about what I had. But sometimes it really hits you. I think today it has. Granted, these last few weeks I have not been happy. On the inside. There is a lot of changing and adapting that I am going through for myself, and for who I am. But when I take that aside, I can't remember the last time I've been this content with my life. I have such wonderful friends and family to thank for that. I have so much, a lot more then sometimes I even realize.

Turn the Lights On

There are so many thoughts in my head. Please make it stop.

Take It From Me.

I have things to think about. I need to re evaluate who I am, and what I want and need. And I need to do it now, before I become anymore unhappy than I already am.
No, I'm not pushing anyone away.

Day and Night

I can't believe how fast time is going. I always knew that the summer would go by fast, but I thought that once the end of August hit things would kind of slow down. How wrong I was! I can't believe we're already into October. It's fall already. It's so beautiful outside. Everywhere I go, I just feel like I could stay there and look and experience for ever. I wish I could freeze time. To right now. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Change is fast approaching in so many different ways, and because time is going so fast, I'm having trouble adapting to it. And anyone that knows me already knows that I have trouble adjusting to change as it is on a regular basis. I feel like I am constantly telling myself to just take a deep breath and go with it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like being busy, and having things to do.

But it's always just like... UGGGGHHHHHHHH.
If that makes sense.

I guess the best thing I can do right now is to keep telling myself to breathe, and just go with it. Deal with the things that are stressful one baby step at a time. If I complicate things, I will only make everything that much harder on myself. Breathe.