In The End, It's All Nice ... ?

Drugs.

It's such a broad subject. Usually there are only two sides of the spectrum. People are either for it, or they are against it. There aren't many who are in the middle. Atleast not many that I know of. Today really opened my eyes. I was out with Steph and Kj, and we realized a girl we went to school with was in the same park as us. Eventually, she made her away over to where we were, and sat to talk. But she was... demented. It was like watching something out of a movie. She had all of the effects, all the actions, all the words of someone so completely high that they could barely function. She talked about a "universal thing." In some aspects, I could catch what she was saying. And on another level, when I stopped thinking and just listened to her, it was hard to keep my head up. I couldn't even force myself to look her in the eyes for more than a second. I just couldn't do it. It made me feel like puking. I thought I was used to seeing people acting unlike themselves. A good example of that is growing up with my father. Being a pot head for what, 37 years? Save the few years he didn't do it because I was young, and again when Alex was young. I don't think I have ever been pushed into such a hard perspective in my life. It was like all of a sudden, it all clicked. I remember so many times telling myself that I would never try bad things. And, I mean, I have for the most part stuck to that. The one experience I had with a scary drug was enough of a reality check. But it's like... you wonder how people can live like that. I am so curious of what they see, what they feel, how they think... What is life like when you are always on a self induced high?

It's so scary to watch.

Today made me remember a movie I once watched, called "Requiem of a Dream." It was one of the most screwed up movies that I have ever seen. And at the same time, it was so emotionally charged and so completely raw that I remember not being able to take my eyes away from the TV. How do people choose to live that way? Why is it so good? Is it because they are scared of their own life, of their self... That they don't know how to live? Are they insecure, and seek comfort in a high that will allow them to feel just as they want to feel? Or are they just looking for a "one time" good time... And then somehow get caught up along the way? How do they wake up and can feel how physically sick their body is, and just continue to abuse it until there is nothing left of them.

Why?

I think that I have made a life choice, starting today, to not involve myself with drugs. I know that I can't promise and hold myself to it yet, but I am going to try. Knowing me, I have such a terrible habit of saying one thing, and then doing another. But even the thought of getting high on weed, and then by some chance starting to do it every day makes me feel like vomitting repeatedly. I think about the times I have been high on weed, and I feel gross. I never want to look at myself in the mirror and see what I saw today. See what I see on a regular basis, just by looking at people I have never seen or met before. Who have never made on impact on my life until the second I look into their face and say to myself, "They are fucked up on something." It makes me sad. I have seen enough. From people I know personally, and from people that I don't. And I don't want to be one of those occasional/ and or recreational pot smokers. I don't want to encourage it.
It's a life choice, and it's something that I want to stay far away from.