What Can I Say.

• So, Snaz was fantastic. I forgot how much fun it was! So glad I went.
• I definitely needed that perspective. I feel so stupid for feeling sorry about something I shouldn't be feeling sorry for. I need to get over myself.
• I have to stop having nights like that. They are getting me nowhere.
• I miss you.
• Buck up. Just... buck up.

12:05, September 24th, 2009

I have just come to the most terrifying and beautiful realization of my entire life.

Its 30 Degrees Today.

• So, first of at all, WTF. Kaleigh and I go through all this trouble to catch the effing mouse that was in the basement, release it into the wild (aka, the complex) and then an HOUR later hear ANOTHER ONE. Like, is that mouse really that smart that it found its way back, or did we just have two the whole time. Either way, NOT IMPRESSED. Go home. You're like the cat that came back, except the mouse. Gtfo.
• Kaleigh needs to wake up.
• I'm excited to get my hair cut tomorrow. Buddy who did it last time fucked it up.
• I'M SO WAY EXCITED FOR SNAZZZZZZ. Friday, could you get here any faster?
• It's supposed to be 31 degrees today. Yesterday was the first day of fall, and today we might hit record breaking temperatures. What IS THIS?
• I'm borrrreeeeddddd. I want to go outside.

I Can Take Pictures.

I did my very first homemade photoshoot yesterday. This is one of my very favorites, unedited.

As long as you love me

I can't believe today is six months! This is our first big anniversary. I look back, and it makes me smile how far we've come from a year + ago until now. We're nuts. I've never known of such a weird couple. But it fits, perfectly.
I'm so happy. And my fingers are crossed that he is too.

Ssss, Ahhhh.

As weird as this is to say, I miss you, and everything you stood for. I miss seeing you every day, and for that one period of the day that could always cheer me up.

Life Goes On

God, give me strength.

And The World I'm In, Makes Me Delirious

1. I had an actual, legit conversation with my parents today. It was good. We talked about how my upgrading (Or lack thereof) is going, and sort of made a time frame up. It's going to take me two years to do all my upgrading. And I think that's okay with me. A lot of people wait years and year before they go back. I think that two years is acceptable for me. It's enough time to give me a taste of the working world, and to get all the upgrades I want done, and at the same time it's not too much time that I decide that I dont want to go back. Because as simply as I can put it, I want to do something fantastic with my life. And the best way I can start that is by going back to school. But I need some time to explore, and to just do what I need to do.
2. I've decided my mom was also right about my financial situation. I really need to start saving. You know, I know that people don't need a lot of money to be happy. But at the same time, they DO need money. From the way I am going, I'm going to be terrible at keeping a living. I am glad, though, that I atleast have a job that I for the most part, don't hate.
3. I'm excited for work tomorrow. It's gonna be super cool to have a DJ there! PLUS, I got to buy a new cute dress that everyone loved on me. Even though it's really short and not really something I wear...
4. I have the worst period cramps of my life. It feels wrong. Something doesn't feel right.
5. I'm really tired of not being able to take a full breath. What is going on with my breathing! I've turned into Tanya!
6. I love how I found out Patrick Swayze died from a number of status' I get to my phone. Good lord.
7. Wooooow. My six month anniversary is in three days. I love you.
8. I enjoy fake nails. I've had to replace most of them, so now I'm glad I spent the 13 bucks on the pack of 36. Makes them last longer.
9. So I'm with my mom and my dad in the kitchen today, and I'm talking to mom about my cramps and how I am positive that if I had any idea what labour cramps felt like, this would be it. And dad comes in, and he's like, "Oh, you're pregnant?" (yes, jokingly, he's not THAT big of an oaf.) And I'm like, "Oh, forsure. Even though that's not physically possible." And dad's like, "What, you don't have a WOMB?" And I'm like, "No dad, I'm not having sex." What an idiot.
10. I think it's a little funny that the wool has been pulled over your eyes.

In The End, It's All Nice ... ?

Drugs.

It's such a broad subject. Usually there are only two sides of the spectrum. People are either for it, or they are against it. There aren't many who are in the middle. Atleast not many that I know of. Today really opened my eyes. I was out with Steph and Kj, and we realized a girl we went to school with was in the same park as us. Eventually, she made her away over to where we were, and sat to talk. But she was... demented. It was like watching something out of a movie. She had all of the effects, all the actions, all the words of someone so completely high that they could barely function. She talked about a "universal thing." In some aspects, I could catch what she was saying. And on another level, when I stopped thinking and just listened to her, it was hard to keep my head up. I couldn't even force myself to look her in the eyes for more than a second. I just couldn't do it. It made me feel like puking. I thought I was used to seeing people acting unlike themselves. A good example of that is growing up with my father. Being a pot head for what, 37 years? Save the few years he didn't do it because I was young, and again when Alex was young. I don't think I have ever been pushed into such a hard perspective in my life. It was like all of a sudden, it all clicked. I remember so many times telling myself that I would never try bad things. And, I mean, I have for the most part stuck to that. The one experience I had with a scary drug was enough of a reality check. But it's like... you wonder how people can live like that. I am so curious of what they see, what they feel, how they think... What is life like when you are always on a self induced high?

It's so scary to watch.

Today made me remember a movie I once watched, called "Requiem of a Dream." It was one of the most screwed up movies that I have ever seen. And at the same time, it was so emotionally charged and so completely raw that I remember not being able to take my eyes away from the TV. How do people choose to live that way? Why is it so good? Is it because they are scared of their own life, of their self... That they don't know how to live? Are they insecure, and seek comfort in a high that will allow them to feel just as they want to feel? Or are they just looking for a "one time" good time... And then somehow get caught up along the way? How do they wake up and can feel how physically sick their body is, and just continue to abuse it until there is nothing left of them.

Why?

I think that I have made a life choice, starting today, to not involve myself with drugs. I know that I can't promise and hold myself to it yet, but I am going to try. Knowing me, I have such a terrible habit of saying one thing, and then doing another. But even the thought of getting high on weed, and then by some chance starting to do it every day makes me feel like vomitting repeatedly. I think about the times I have been high on weed, and I feel gross. I never want to look at myself in the mirror and see what I saw today. See what I see on a regular basis, just by looking at people I have never seen or met before. Who have never made on impact on my life until the second I look into their face and say to myself, "They are fucked up on something." It makes me sad. I have seen enough. From people I know personally, and from people that I don't. And I don't want to be one of those occasional/ and or recreational pot smokers. I don't want to encourage it.
It's a life choice, and it's something that I want to stay far away from.

And then there's nights that never end...

I can't believe we had to end up telling Kj about our fundraiser. We thought we had this so cleverly planned out. Or, atleast in the beginning stages... But such as life.

I'm excited to do this. Very excited.

Faith and Understanding.

Wow.

Last night was really a turning point for me. In a lot of ways. It's weird how sometimes, the shoulder you use to cry on comes from the most unexpected of people. Granted, Justin has done a lot of really rotten things to me, and to people I care about in the past. We both have come a long way from them. Sometimes he says stupid things that piss me off, or piss people off that love me. But speaking to him last night with such openness felt like a genuine breath of fresh air. It's like they say about how sometimes hearing things from an outsider point of view, or maybe just the right person, is the only way a person will see. I spent four hours talking on the phone with him. And really, that's always how it is. We have never once, in the almost three years of knowing eachother, run out of things to talk about. Some of it was completely pointless. Probably just to make me feel better. And it worked. But I got hit hard last night.

I'm sitting in my living room, on the couch, watching my mom watch TV.

But I am not even really here. I am completely engrossed in thought. So I am just going to write. I am thinking about the things he said. About life, about dealing with situations, about never being able to know whats going to happen. I think that this is a problem I have. I search for an essential truth. I dig, until I really know. I don't like to be in suspense. I never have. I think that I have always thought that I could somehow help my future along. But Justin said that not one person can prepare for what the future holds. And he is right. No one knows what is going to happen. I have to live, and get hurt. I have to live, and get hurt until it pays off. And some day, it will. It is right now. Sometimes I am so weak, and at the same time, I have strength that no one knows. A strength that not any person on this earth knows about, other than me. I am the strength that my friends can't make for themselves. I am the strength for a person who feels like they can open up to me. I am their strength. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to use that own strength on myself. Sometimes I am able to. And sometimes I am not. Where does strength come from? Does it come from faith, from experience, from understanding, from learning? Where does your strength come from? For me, it is all of the above. It really depends on the situation. Sometimes, I cannot rely solely on my faith for the source of my strength. And I don't blame myself for it. That is just who I am. A lot of my faith comes from the strength I have learned to give myself from experiences; both good and bad. Maybe I feel the need to talk about my faith because it has come up in conversation so often between my boyfriend and I, between Justin and I, between a lot of people lately.

It is so hard to explain how I feel about my faith. I know that I have it. I know that such a huge amount of it comes from God himself. I know that at the end of the day, where there might not be anyone else, there is Him. He watches over me, and He has helped me overcome more situations with clarity than I can count. I have seen a lot of people be influenced by god in the most indescribable of ways. But it is a different kind of experience for me. Because of that, some people mistake me for someone who does not take religion and faith very seriously. But they are wrong. This is me; Sometimes I lie in bed at night, and all I do is cry. And it's because I feel so overwhelmed by Him, by something I can literally feel inside of my heart that He wants me to do. It can happen at random, but mostly it happens when I pray. It's like a tug at first, and then a complete clearing of my head. Like all the stars have aligned, that all is in its place. And I can see what I need to do right infront of me. My heart slows, and I know that He is there, that he is listening. My hands will start to shake, and then there is a calming. Everything is numbed down, and I feel Him. At those moments, I think clearly and in the most mature and understanding way. I have flashes of knowledge and understanding that I did not have before. I have perfection. That, is my faith. That is my God, that I have known since infancy. Years and years of experience have shown that is what he does for me. I don't think I've ever told anybody, or even written it out before. It is such an emotional, private part of my life. It is beautiful in every single way. It's something that I share with Him, and only Him. It is what it is.

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth, until you learn to lie
You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes, just open your eyes...
And see that life is beautiful.

Time After Time

Camping was wonderful. I had such a great time. Probs drank more than I should, but at this point, I had too much fun to regret it. It was so nice to just get away from everything. I took like a million pictures, as per usual. And it allowed me a lot of time to think.

Sometimes, I'm not sure I can live up to what you expect of me. I know, it's not even like you have ridiculous expectations. You've never asked for me to be anything more than I am. But I see the the things you say, write, say, or feel. And I feel inadequate. I'm not sure I can get rid of it. And if I can't... Nothing good will come from it.