There is a difference.

I don't know how to talk to you about this, but it needs to happen.

I'll get him hot, show him what I got

1. I think I am going to have to skip out on the first part of this evening. As much as I love Morah...
2. I have never met you. But I know I will at some point. I am praying for your recovery, and for ease during your tough road ahead. I know exactly what it is like to watch a family member to go through medical problems time after time. My Aunty Donna suffered from cancer three times, as well as a tumor in her stomach before it finally ended her life. But from what I can tell from you, God has certainly been watching out for you. I know that He has a certain plan for you, just like all the rest of us. I can see just how much your family loves and cares for you, and somehow, it brings me to tears every single time something happens to you. It seems like your brothers only weakness is you. He cares so much, and though I think you know that, it is heartbreaking to watch. And your mom, she is the very same. I have heard about all of the trouble you have gone through, and how much it affects her. And it is hard to hear, even though this family has been a part of my life for such a short time in the big picture. Until I meet you and talk to you in person, I wish you the very best of luck for the beginning of your chemo. And just like many, many others, God will hear my prayers for you, too. You are anything but alone.
3. I am excited for the girls' night tonight, even though I might not spend the night. It will be nice to spend time with everyone.
4. Jenny JUST texted me, and said that she just saw a lebanese man with smaller ears than me, and I DEFS LOL'D. So good. I miss you. No more fighting.
5. I am back to being obsessed with Poker Face. Such a good song.
6. CAMPING IN FOUR DAYS. We went and bought food today, and stuff for our alcohol shots. I'm friggen excited.
7. That is all, for now.

Tickin' like a time bomb

Secret.


I lied.

'Cause I wanna make it right.

Kj and I have been through a lot.

Spending that 24 + hours with him was eye opening for me. What the magazines say about distance is good, about needing to be able to be independent; it's all true. We have something different. Part of that is because Kj isn't like a "normal" guy. For the most part, I can't even compare him to any guy. I think that's why initially, I fell for him. We don't spend a huge amount time together, because both of us have lives, with things to do and people to see. But it makes the moments we do share all that more special. It's always those, "wow" moments. We are probably the weirdest couple in some people's eyes. But it's always been that way for us. We either look like we shouldnt be together, or we look like we've been together for years. Some people don't seem to realize that just because we aren't always touching or in physical contact doesn't mean our feelings aren't strong. On the contrary, we both know that when it comes down to it, it's him and me. And that's it. On the other hand, some people see us, and they wonder how a couple who have only been together officially for just over five months can have such a strong understanding and connection. If you asked me, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I could tell you that we've been through a lot, and then try to start from the beginning. But that would be pointless, because there is just so much.

For those of you who read my blog and don't know, Kj is going on a mission trip to Malta and North Africa in January of 2010. It's something he has wanted to do from the second he heard about it. And really... No one, or thing will stop him from going. He will make it happen, because that's the kind of person he is. I have always been a supporter of him going to Africa. Right from the get go, even when he worried about me and how I would adapt. And to let you in on a little secret, when I first found out, my heart dropped probably about as far as it is possible for a heart to drop. But you know... I'm not scared of what's going to happen when he gets home anymore. Because I will still be me, and he will still be him. Undoubtly, this trip will change him. And Kj will be modified, in a way. And both of us will have to adapt. We have watched each other go through entirely life changing situations, that were difficult to say in the very least, and because of this, we have learned about each other inside out. But just like I have the utmost faith in his ability and incredible drive to do good all the way in Africa, I have just as much faith back home for me, and what happens afterwards. I didn't have that before. For months, I worried about loosing him. And then all of a sudden I realized that he is always going to be in my life in some way, whether that be in a relationship or friendship form. Having him in my life at all is more than important to me; it's everything. You wouldn't be able to understand unless you knew him personally. It's still four months away, but those four months will go fast, and I think we both know it. Deep down, I know that how we feel about each other is enough to get us through it all. It hasn't failed thus far.
He's always t w o s t e p s a h e a d of me in the thinking process when it comes to stuff like this. But knowing that, now, it is a matter of making the right decisions and choices, of being who we are and being able to accept each other exactly for who we are. It's a matter of understanding even if it's hard, and of learning to just take it day by day. It's a matter of fighting for what we need, and what we want.

And more than anything, I think it's a matter of remembering where we are coming from, and where we have the potential to go.

Circle of Life

Holy, absolute PERFECTION.

Disney's, the Lion King - Hands down, the best experience I have up to date of a live performance. Wow, wow, wow wow wow. I could go on for hours about this broadway show. It was so incredibly well done that I have no words for it. Every single thing about it was phenomenal. I had chills that started at the tip of my toes and spread through my whole body, enough to make even my lips quiver. I probably was either crying or had tears in my eyes for 75% of the show. The opening, and the ending were both so powerful that I found myself holding my breath once the lights went out. I have to say that my favorite casted character was Rafiki. My gosh, the lady that played the character was astounding. And boy, could she sing. Ah. I get chills even thinking about it over in my head. The ensemble did an INCREDIBLE job with the music. It wouldn't have been half as good without it. And, of course, the singing. There were no wrong or sour notes to be found. I... God, it was just so good; the lights, the set, the props, the costumes, the dancing, the singing, the humor, the emotion, the universal effect. Every character was portrayed perfectly and convincingly. This is something I am never going to forget. As a child, and even now going into adulthood, the Lion King is my favorite disney movie ever made. It was the very first movie I went to see in a theatre, when I was only four years old. It feels like such a blessing to have been able to see this. As much as I wanted to see it when I first heard about it, I knew I wouldn't have the money to go. But thanks to Kj's mom, whom I am now eternally in deft to, I was given the chance. I walked into the Jubilee expecting nothing like what I saw. It was one of those, "wow" moments. Seeing that performance made me realize just how much I miss performing. I want to get into it again. Obviously, I am nowhere near a level that would suffice for broadway...

But I want to do something.

And one week and 5 days later...

I'll make this one short and sweet.
I am so exited to see ma boyfriend. Period.

Ashlynn Rain, this one is for you.

I thought I may as well write a little before I go to bed. Yesterday was another full and exciting day with my cousins whom I love dearly. We slept in until like noon, and then headed back over to our grandparents house. We watched like 18 episodes (Or not quite) of CSI. Grandpa took us on our annual trip to Eau Claire Market. That lasted about ten minutes. At any rate, it was long enough for us to get some candy at the candy store. Caramels, yogurt covered raisins, chocolate covered raisins. Mmmm. How I am 18, I have no idea. We got home, played rooke, which seems to be the famous game around there, and then went out for dinner at this place called...

Samosa Grill - It is east indian based. I was admittedly not at all looking forward to it, as our last endeavor to a restaurant based on a very different ethnicity did not end very well. It was called Saltan's tent and it was... Well, this is getting off topic. I was pleasantly surprised by this place. It wasn't too bad. I mean, I wasn't raving or thriving from it afterwards. But it filled me up, and the food was pretty decent. I think it's one of those things you sort of have to acquire a taste for, like chinese. I would go to it again, but it's again, not one of thise places I'd eat at every week. The bread they served was my favorite. Oh, and the coke was ridiculously cold and that was SO good (And of course, the one thing I do thrive about just happens to be coke). My favorite dish was the butter chicken. That stuff was some good chicken, man. I'll definitely give 'em that.

Moving on, parents took Alex and I home to get our stuff because we were spending the night our grandparents. We got there, and then I made dad go all the way back because I forgot my sweater. And I wasn't about to borrow my grandma's sweater like dad suggested I do. I'm sorry, It just wasn't going to happen. Grandma tried to bribe me into joining her ladies choir again yesterday. "I swear, if you join, young people will be popping up all over the place." Yeah. Still isn't going to happen.

Speaking of joining choirs. So, a couple weeks ago I was browsing Calgary for extra curricular choirs I could maybe join. I came across the Calgary Girls Choir. I send in my information, and basically said that I was looking for a choir. They called me back yesterday. The ladies name was Meghan. She said that she hoped someone had gotten ahold of me, and that they were doing auditions next week and to call. All of a sudden, I don't want to call. I don't know if I should bother, I don't know if I'm good enough. I'm wigging myself out with the "what ifs." So, at this point... I don't know whether to call. But I NEED to make a decision.

After dinner, and the hubub about going back to the house for my sweater, it's time to go to a movie. Grandpa pays for all of us. Sara, Emily and I went and saw...

The Ugly Truth - SUCH a good movie. I mean, yes, it is a chick flick. Yes, it is a cheesy romantic comedy. But it had that hook. It was raw and hilarious, and made you want to laugh, scream, cry and smile all at the same time. Now maybe I am just a sucker for movies, and I give good reviews easily, but I just can't help myself. People overrate movies so much these days. They pick them apart because they have nothing better to do. Seriously... these people went into this movie because they saw the potential. And so should you. You little nasties. ANYWAY. I recommend any girl who is a sucker for a good love movie to go to this one, with or without your man. It's a gooder.

Last night was my favorite with the cousins. After the good movie, I almost got ran over by a van. Oh, yes, that was fun. Everyone was killing themselves laughing while I screamed at the van. To it's back, of course. As if I have the balls to yell at the people in there to their face. We got home, changed into our pajamas, and immediately went outside. There is this hill type thing behind our grandparents called a BURM. Weird, I KNOW. But that's what it's called. So anyway, we went up there and were being goofs. We walked along the burm to a playground near by, and played on the playground. I was on the swing. The stars were out last night, so I just stared at them. Dreamy, right? We only had a limited amount of time, or the girls did actually, because of their dad, so then we walked back. We layed down on the burn right behind the house and just looked at the stars. And talked. It was good. Finally, we surpassed our alloted amount of time, and uncle Matthew came out and made us come back in. I went to the close the gate and crush the palm of my hand in between it. Oooh, that felt greeeeaaat. I went into the freezer and took our some frozen pees. No, idiots, I didn't eat the pees. I used them to ice my hand which was throbbing and swollen. I woke up this morning to it being bruised, and I'm pretty sure its bleeding under the skin. Which means I broke a blood vessel. I'm good. What can I say. So, we're all sitting around the TV, watching Family Guy. Alex has the remote, and Sara wants it. Here is the conversation which has Emily and I in tears.

Sara: Can I have the remote?
Alex: There's not any left.
*Blank looks*
Emily: What?
Alex: There's not any milk left.
Emily and Amy: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Sara: I asked for the remote, NOT FOR MILK.
Alex: Oh... I thought you... Oh *passes remote*
Emily and Amy: HAHAHAHAH
Alex: Stop cackling! You'll wake up the grandparents
Emily and Amy and Sara: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Today, I had to skip out going to Cross Iron Mill because I had to work at three. I went and saw the girls on my break to say goodbye, and then they ended up coming to my store for a visit because grandpa and grandma wanted desert. It was nice. After work, I went out with six of my co-workers to Moxies for one of the girls birthday. Eden turned 20 yesterday. It was really nice. I found out that we are all very loud and laughy when we are together. I'm glad I went.


LASTLY. I got a text message from one of my best friends early this afternoon. He found out that a girl I went to junior high with, and was friends with, died yesterday. Nobody knows how, yet. I couldn't believe it. Jenny mentioned that it was the first person of our graduating grade 9 class to die. It scared me a little. Tonight my prayers will be for her, her family, and her friends. Rest in peace. And speaking of God... Well, you know what I am asking to be answered. I'll keep it just between us. Please.

And I feeeeeeeel nice, like sugar and spice

Who invented Amusement parks?

I want to kiss them. Okay, well, I suppose this person is dead now. So kissing may be out of the question. Today I went to Calaway Park with my fam. Dad, grandpa, and Uncle Matthew, just kind of followed us around while we acted like five year olds and wanted to go on every ride possible. So, of course, being us, we wanted to go on the roller coaster first. Okay. Getting on the ride... everyone feelin' good. It starts to go up the track, oh, and wait - what happens? IT STOPS. So we just chill. The announcer guy is like, "Everyone stay calm." Meanwhile, Em's like, "OH, THATS REASSURING. THANK YOU." It was great. Finally, they get it started. And we go about our ride and on its second trip around, we have a repeat technical problem. However, it is fixed even more quickly then before, and all is well. Rides continue... Our last ride before we all died of hunger was the Log ride. In which took an hour to wait in line, and then for all that its worth, get completely soaked. There was a lot of squealing to be had. Food is then distributed. Chicken fingers and fries, mmm. Rides continue after that, but at a slowing pace as we have been there for like, four hours. Finally it is time to go home. We stop at the Candy shop, an annual custom. Let me just say, candy apples are not EXACTLY the easiest food in the world to eat. Can I get an amen?

Our way home consists mainly of deciding what is going to be done what's actually home. However, all is disgarded shortly thereafter, and we all crash and fall asleep. And now, I must share with you the bits and pieces of the conversation I heard between my grandparents whilst I was in and out of sleep:

Grandma: They sure do seem to get along
Grandpa: Oh, absolutely
Grandma: Was it busy out there?
Grandpa: Oh, you'd better believe it.
Grandma: Those are such NICE SHOES.

Grandma: Nunc, the corn needs to be husked.
Grandpa: Let me start the barbeque first. I think I remember how... I used to do it all the time...
Grandma: NUNC, DON'T PUT YOUR FACE DOWN THERE... I don't like this...
Grandpa: It smells like its working
Grandma: It smells like oil

Dad: Do you have a carving knife?
Grandma: I have a fork

After much delay, and we passed the time before supper by playing an invigorating game of Rooke, supper finally was served outside. The meal tonight: Corn on the cob, roast, baked potato, salad. The four cousins were pleasantly put OUTSIDE of the normal table, and I suppose I cannot blame them. And some more highly entertaining conversations... Although, it will only be entertaining to those of you who know me, and/or my grandparents.

Grandpa: JoAnne, there are 5 potatoes left.
Grandma: Give them to the neighbours
Cousins: LOL.

Amy: Wanna be my friend?
Cousins + Alex: LOL

A series of very funny faces came forth... uncontrollable laughing. So, so good. Alex is useless as being retarded. Which, is kind of ironic.

Tonight, Emily and Sara (Who, if you havent caught on so far, are my cousins) are spending the night at my house. Our plans? To remake a Harry Potter Puppet Pals song. To sing an actual real song, in our real voices. And basically, to annoy the living crap out of my parents. All will be done very, very well. Tonight's gonna be a good night.

More later...

What you want, baby I got it, all im asking, is for a little respect

Today is a good day. The last of the Johnson offspring have arrived here in Calgary. I love my cousins. Alex (my brother, to any of you bloggers who read this and don't know who he is), and I got to my grandparents this afternoon, and immediately the giggling fest began. We started off with lunch, to which my grandmother would sporadically add things like, "OH, WE HAVE LETTUCE. (Lettuce, what an awkwardly spelled word when looked at for a long period of time) AND A TOMATO! I FORGOT." Hoots of laughter. Laughter. This happens a lot while they are here. We moved downstairs to play this card game called Rooke. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, it is a seriously addicting game. But I am not going to try and explain the purpose, so you have my full permission to GOOGLE IT. If there is one thing about this family, it is that we love to sing. So, for the two hours that we played this game, I am pretty sure we sang Poker face, The american anthem, I Feel Good, Respect... to name a few. Ah, the classics. All jokings aside, we seriously would be one hell of a choir. All of us are good.

Originally, I had written an entire paragraph to which I very bluntly describe how much I do not enjoy drama. But, I thought better of it, in case people who may find this insulting come along. I am trying this new thing were I don't start any "drama." Atleast, not on purpose. Not that I regularly did that before.

And while on no particular topic at all, I might as well get into the weather. We are supposed to be eating ribs outside today, but of course, Calgary decided it was going to pour. And now just like that, it has stopped. But the sky is dark blue, which only can mean it will probably rain again. This conversation with myself and my thoughts has come to a grinding halt. I can't think of anything intelligent or worthwhile to say.

So, I shall leave it at this:
Kj Munroe, I miss you.

Always behind the mask

I have lived life, up until this point in my life, pretty safely. I have made more mistakes than I could, or will ever try to count. But something has definitely hit me. And hard at that. I have spent so much time using security as my focal point. I stick to what I know, and to what is safe because I am afraid of losing things. Of losing people. I have always been afraid to just be me. I don't want to be like that anymore. Nobody is any better, or any worse than I am. This baggage that I carry around; It goes tonight. Tonight. I am living life now to it's very fullest. I am going to keep messing up and making mistakes, but that's part of being me. It's part of being human. I am going to stop apologizing for who I am, and I am going to stop trying to justify myself when I don't need to. I am going to stop feeling like I am not enough. Because I should be. And if at any point I'm not to a person, then that's when it's time to let go. I am going to just let go when I need to. It is so exhausting to try every day to be better, so I can be looked up at as a better person. I am my own person, with my own set of beliefs, values, wants and needs.
You can take me, or you can leave me. It's as simple as that.
I am such a good person, already. I don't need to prove anything.
I don't have anything to prove, to anyone, except myself.

I am so much stronger then I let myself be.
And that ends tonight, too.

Okay, UB, let's rock N roll.

Urban Behaviour is lame. I am supposed to work at three, but nooooo. They call me two seconds ago (Time: 2:36) and tell me to come in at four instead. Not to mention that I basically have full time hours this week. Out of absolutely nowhere. Before I was lucky if I was getting 10 hours a week. But no. It's 32 this week. Thanks for coming out... And now on to different subject that will not cause me to furiously type.

1. IM EXCITED FOR MY COUSINS TO BE HERE.
2. I just ate mushy stew. Lol...
3. Today is my 5 months anniversary. I've spent 5 months with that tard (Add on like... 9 months to that... ahahah) if you see this, LOVE YOU. LOL.
4. My eyes hurt.
5. What am I going to do for an extra hour.
6. Seven Pounds IS SUCH A GOOD MOVIE. Will Smith was, of course, unbelievable. As well as his main co star, Rosario Dawson. It was such an emotionally charged, heart breaking film. I admit to crying, and continuing to do so for probably the better part of an hour. It really made me think.

Somebody call 911

WOW. I forgot I had this blog. I fail. Well, I didnt forget exactly. Im just lazy.

1. Dear Kj: I miss you.
2. Shawty, fire burning on the dance floor
3. I LOVE YOU.
4. So stoked for the Alley tomorrow, i dont even know why
5. My calve hurts.