What goes up must come down

Sidenote: The weekend was fantastic. Snaz was lovely, and so was my UB work party.

I have had a couple of really crappy days. Well, today is not over yet. But yesterday was awful. First of all, I woke up to one of the worst self esteem days I've had in a very long time. This has not left yet. I'm sick of myself. I want to change it, but I am too lazy and that makes me really angry and upset with myself. For example, I'm sitting here right now eating chocolate when I could just as easily be eating cucumber. I worked yesterday and that went badly because of this one person I work with. I have tried and done so well with finding the good in everyone, and today I realized this is the first co worker ever that I haven't liked. I get a bad vibe, and they make me extremely uncomfortable. Plus, the way they talk and act is rude and vulgar. I don't like them, and I am going to talk to my manager and ask her to not schedule me with this person. That added a measurable amount of anger to my day. By the time Tehillah came around, I was having a rough time getting into worship because all of a sudden it hit me that I have not yet been able to forgive myself for the things I've done in my past that I regret now. I thought I had let these things go and I just layed it all down for God. I did do that, but I never really personally forgave myself. So right now I am having a lot of trouble coping with this. I know that I need to really let go, but the guilt is overwhelming. The sickness I feel in my stomach won't go away.

Needless to say, yesterday was really bad. Today has not been as bad. I am better in the sense that it's easier to smile and laugh. I am not, however, any better on the inside. I feel like I'm fighting a major internal battle with myself. I am trying really hard to come to terms with everything and move on. But I feel like it's going to take a little time. Today I was supposed to work, but I called in and even though I couldn't get anyone to cover my shift, they let me stay home because I started crying on the phone. I am feeling a little overwhelmed just simply for the fact that I have been very busy and haven't been able to stay on top of all my reading and note taking. I am going to take this evening to get as much of that done as I can so I can focus on my two essays due next week. I am now curled up in my sweats and Kj's sweater (who has been an unstoppable force of support, mind you. Steph, too.) and once I am done this blog, I am going to start on my Sociology. Then, tonight I am going to watch Glee which hopefully will cheer me up (and I'm sure it will because its the Britney Spears episode) and then I will go to bed. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I have faith.

I also need to go to the doctor for a few medical reasons that are really starting to bother me. Oh, and did I mention that on top of that all, I also am right in the middle of my period? Yup.

Chicken salad is wonderful

I just realized that the only kind of meat i'm into right now is either chicken or turkey. Isn't that weird? I've been such a meat person my whole life, but I am kinda off everything else right now for some reason.

So I was on the bus home from school and was, as always, jammin out the ipod. And for whatever reason, I always always forget that I have that "note" application on there. Every few months I remember again (for example, the last one I wrote was in March, oops). I was looking through the very few of them and there was one that was written almost exactly a year ago on the first day of fall. I had written briefly how I was scared to say goodbye. HA! That is so weird to think about how scared I was for Kj to leave. Now he's been home for over five months and sometimes I forget he even went. I guess it's because now it seems like such an insignificant amount of time compared to the big picture. I guess when I put myself back into that time I remember how long it was. But life is moving too fast for that. And besides, we are going to have a new obstacle to start on pretty quick. Well, in a year. But that will come quickly.

School is going so well. Oddly well for me, actually. I have never been into this as much as I am now. It is a little strange, but that's okay. AND. I have decided on what I want to do... ! I'm going to apply December 1st so that I will get in forsure! I am excited for next semester so I can do French and finally not feel like I'm partially cheating the system since I don't have that last 30 level. As much as I feel like a University student, there is part of me that doesn't because I am only in Open Studies AND because I still have that one course to do. But, by the next beginning of the school year, that all will have changed.

Snaz is tomorrow and I am so excited! I CANNNNNT believe this is the third time in a row that I'm going. That's so crazy! I love those kids so much, and they are finally starting to really know me and trust me. Which, is good! I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun, and the kids will love it too.

I have been cranky lately, and I think it's because it's that time of month coming up right away. Hopefully these mood swings will end soon, I hate being cranky.

One more thing

I should also bring attention to the fact that I am blessed with the best possible man on earth. This evening we went out for dinner because its our year and a half officialeee ('cause unofficially we've been together since the dawn of time. Just kidding, but seriously) on Friday, and he bought me roses. So we had a lovely dinner, then we went to walmart and spent eight years busting a frickin' tit in the toy section. Yup, that's us. When I got home I opened the letter he wrote me, and it was just filled with lovely things and it was beautiful. I feel so blessed to have such a modest, loving, and functioning relationship. He is so good to me, always. I just love it, I love him. He's everything to me.

Drum roll, please...

Okay, ladies and gents. Picture this: Amy Johnson, is sitting right in the midst of her University, Laptop plugged in, and her books covering every inch of the table that she is currently occupying. It's hard to imagine, let alone be the very truth of. I can't believe I'm here, and it makes me so happy. It has been a very long time since I have liked to learn, but I am loving it so far. I realize that I am only into my first week of school. I also realize that at the end of the term it is going to be hell. But the fact that I am here is proving myself wrong. I thought that I would never get the motivation back to further my education. At the back of my mind, I knew I needed to in order to live a decent life. But I was frightened that I would never get here. It only took me a year! Every day I am coming closer to reaching my goal of picking an actual major. Whether that be a diploma that will eventually turn into a bachelor, or going straight into a bachelor. I am, for once, excited to be challenged. I feel like I am more than ready to be challenged mentally, and I am sure emotionally, too. I feel right here. I feel like I should be here, and that I deserve it. It is such a good feeling. The newest chapter of my life has begun, and I am moving forward!

I dreamed a dream

WOW. I love Mount Royal. The atmosphere is so great. Everyone is so nice, even the people that I thought wouldn't be. My professors are great. I haven't met one of them, but the other two I like. I LOVE my sociology class. I had no idea that it was this fascinating. Infact, for the first time in my life, I feel like the knowitall of the class. I put my hand up and answered like every question my prof asked because the reading we had to do I re read AND made notes on. Holy frig. It is so interesting. If it stays this good, I might end up applying for my BA and majoring in Sociology. The facilites in the school are awesome, like the gym. They provide so much help and sessions we can take. They have a chapel, and a place you can go for to pray and there are people on campus that we can talk to. There are also faith groups I can join and stuff, and I think that is fabulous. I'll have to check out the chapel. And the classroom sizes are so ideal, as opposed to trying to learn with 200 people in one class. Although, that would kind of be cool to experience. I love it. I know that the school work hasn't even started yet, but I love it already. I can't wait to finish my french in the second semester so I can get started on an actual degree. Ah. So good, y'all. :)

I know it's inconvienent that I can't drive, but I love taking transit to and from school. I like the time to reflect and to just walk and observe people. A lot of the time I hang out with God, too. Today I was on my way home and had just got off the bus downtown, and I had to pull out my earbuds for some reason. I heard this jazz music, so I followed it and got to hear this fantastic live jazz/funk/soul band. I was thinking to myself what a blessing it was to hear them. They gave me shivers! At the end, I went up because I saw that they were giving out cards. I grabbed one because I wanted to know the name of the band, and then I looked on the back and there was a small message from the lead singer. This is what it said:

music is what liberates people from within
In it's tones are the keys to life & death
I went to the mountaintop
I saw that I am but a child of God
I am a musician
I am going to play for God
Lord, thank you for the oppertunity
I promise to do my all to uplift,
to illuminate and to transform
the consciousness of humanity to divine truth

SO, SO NEAT. God most definitely set that up for me perfectly. I love it. I am going to email this guy, and tell him that. And tell him how wonderful his band is, too. 'Cause they were great! God is good.

I am learning the Glee version of "I Dreamed A Dream." Well, Breanna and I are learning it seperately, and then we are going to sing it together. Maybe we'll put it on Facebook if we get good enough at it. I love it. It is such a powerful song.

La di da

I wish I was writing on these more, but I really don't have much to say! Things have just kind of been same old around here for the last bit. On September 4th I celebrated my two year anniversary at Urban Behaviour. I think that is crazy. I can't believe i've been working there for so long. I would have never in a million years thought I'd still be here a year ago.

Tomorrow is orrrrienatttionnnnnnnn. I am getting so excited. I cant wait. I was supposed to be getting up early today to pick up my school books, but that didn't happen so now I am just going to do it tomorrow when I'm there. It's labour day today, and I have to work. But it's time and a half I think! Which is neat. Im only doing four hours, but it will be like getting paid for eight. Beautiful. And then I have Tehillah tonight. I think I might be just going by myself, because Steph and Kj are both probs not going. Oh well! I am there to meet with thaaaa lord anyways. I don't mind going by myself once in awhile. Last night I went to change my shirt and my hand was way up high, since I'm so tall y'know, and I scraped my knuckle on the light in my room and now it is very sore. ALSO, Kaleigh and I went for a walk in the rain the other night, and I scraped by toe because I was trying to splash her and it didn't go so well.

Pavement = 1, Amy = 0. Fail.

Slap in the face

So, last weekend was phenomenal. I had the best time with my best friends. I cannot believe that the four of us have been best friends for 6 years now! That's incredible! That means I've been living in Calgary for 6 years. Time really flys by. Lady Gaga was so, so so so so amazing. She did such a fantastic job. It was by far the best concert I've been to. I am so happy that I can look back on last weekend and know there was never a bad moment. I feel so appreciative towards the girls because we have made it so far, and through so many changes. That's some serious commitment right there! And we have done it even though there were fights, though there were periods where we barely talked or didn't talk at all, though we have our own lives to balance. But the thing that has always stayed is that we have perservered through it. I know there were times when all of us were just ready to give up. But we didn't. We've always worked it out. And I think we are coming into a season where everything is finally okay again. There is peace where there used to be tension. I am so grateful.

Last night was a really heavy night at Tehillah for me. I just have felt so spiritually dry lately. And it's so hard because I know what I am doing wrong, but I just can't seem to get out of the rut. I just want to be close to God again, like when it first all happened. I can't believe its been almost a year since I accepted God into my heart. At the end of October of last year. That's crazy. I've got some stuff I need to work out with him. Right now it seems like he has decided I need to be given the silent treatment which I am not liking so much. Frig. I need to set my priorities straight.

Summer has gone by so quickly. It feels like Kj came home yesterday, and summer was just starting. But tomorrow is September 1st! I just finally ordered my textbooks, which is a good thing because I start school in 9 days! Well, 7 if you count the two days of orientation. I am getting so excited for this. I know it is going to be hard to balance school, and work, and my personal life. But I do have faith that it is going to work out. And I know that atleast I still will be involved spiritually because I will be continuing to go to Church, and Tehillah, and I am becoming a permanent youth leader at Steph's church this year, too. It is a lot of commitment, but I want it.

It's weird growing up. Today I spent like eight years on the phone with my credit card company, cancelling stuff and finding out information about my actual bank account. And about halfway through I thought to myself, "this is stuff I've been watching my parents handle." and it's strange. I know that I've been dreading turning 20, but I think I am also excited. I think that I am finally starting to appreciate new responsibilites.

I know that these next few years are going to be pivotal. But, I think I am ready for it now.

Today I am doing nothing with my life, which is okay, because I need to recouperate anyway. I somehow was plagued with a cold. Kj insists it wasn't him because I had different symptoms in the beginning, but I think it was him. Because yes, I've been going around and kissing many others besides him. Except, not.

GAH!

I did something awful to my back. And I have been getting awful back spasms for the last two days, and it has hurt for the last four. And I want it to get better, RIGHT NOW. Before I cut myself.

I have to work all this week, but it will be worth it because come Friday morning, I will be Edmonton born with my girls, and we are going to have a fabulous weekend! We are going to see Gaga, which I am SO STOKED for. And then shop, and hang out with my party animal cousins. AH. So excited.

I am almost done my secular music fast! I have until Tuesday. Im not sure if I have to go all day Tuesday or if Im done starting Tuesday, so I guess I'll see when the day comes. I'm really proud of myself for doing this, and it has really helped. Im happy with it.

I am so worried about Chad. I hope he can find himself again.

I LUHH YOU BOYFRIENNN.

Whiter than snow

Today is August 17th.
I am starting a fast, but it's not one of those no food fasts. I'm fasting from secular music. Basically, that means when I am at home or in control of the music I listen to, it is all worship music. Of course I cant do anything when I'm at work or with other people. But this is a chance for me to get focused with God. Last night at Tehillah really hit home, and there are things I need to change. I need to make him number 1 again, because life has been getting in the way. This is the first fast from anything that I've done. And I hope this will be a small step to being able to make fasting a consistent thing.

Also, I am starting my own personal diet TODAY. I have failed at it. And I am tired of looking the way I am, when I know I can look better. It is a personal goal of mine, and it has to start right now.

Hey, I'm in love.

It's no secret anymore that I hope I spend the rest of my life with him.

It was fate that brought us together; God's will.

And every day I just love him more.
Sometimes I kind of feel silly because of it.

Everything that was exciting about him when we first started seeing eachother even, is still just as exciting and beautiful now .

I honestly am treated like no one could ever compare, and that is a great feeling.

I always feel on the top of the world.

And I am so blessed that it's overwhelming.